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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal behaviour from parents?

6 replies

Millierob101 · 27/09/2025 22:40

Not sure if its normal or how to deal with as makes me feel kind of sad. For context i am 31 no kids, my parents are divorced have been for 10 years or so. My dad is a alcoholic who had no regard for anyone feelings hes very isolated, recently my grandmother passed away instead of going to the hospital to be with her he spent his time at the pub getting drunk. He only has me now and i feel like i have to constantly parent him but get nothing in return, he brings nothing to my life but stress and misery and i still feel some sort of responsibility.

My mother equally as difficult, i recently went on holiday but she will not acknowledge the fact that i am on holiday, wont ask anything about it and sometimes dosnt know where we are going. I told her we are getting a new sofa as it was a topic of conversation, she replies with such things as oh must be nice or ignores completely anything ive said. Sort of a common theme with everything. But will use me as free therapy.

My partner seems to think both of them create me to be unhappy as i feel like i cant celebrate or vent but in return i feel like i have to be there for them all the time with no support in return. Over the years they have both caused me to have low self esteem and high stress. Is my feelings valid? Or should i suck it up!

OP posts:
Clueless12389 · 27/09/2025 22:42

I think all you can really do is try to be less available for both of them, and try to focus on the people who do love and care about you.

MCF86 · 27/09/2025 22:46

my parents have never made me feel bad. You don't have to let them

Allthatshines1992 · 27/09/2025 23:25

Millierob101 · 27/09/2025 22:40

Not sure if its normal or how to deal with as makes me feel kind of sad. For context i am 31 no kids, my parents are divorced have been for 10 years or so. My dad is a alcoholic who had no regard for anyone feelings hes very isolated, recently my grandmother passed away instead of going to the hospital to be with her he spent his time at the pub getting drunk. He only has me now and i feel like i have to constantly parent him but get nothing in return, he brings nothing to my life but stress and misery and i still feel some sort of responsibility.

My mother equally as difficult, i recently went on holiday but she will not acknowledge the fact that i am on holiday, wont ask anything about it and sometimes dosnt know where we are going. I told her we are getting a new sofa as it was a topic of conversation, she replies with such things as oh must be nice or ignores completely anything ive said. Sort of a common theme with everything. But will use me as free therapy.

My partner seems to think both of them create me to be unhappy as i feel like i cant celebrate or vent but in return i feel like i have to be there for them all the time with no support in return. Over the years they have both caused me to have low self esteem and high stress. Is my feelings valid? Or should i suck it up!

Recently it seems there's been a spate of posts from childless women in their 30's afflicted with horrible parents. I also had horrible parents and became estranged from them earlier on in life. It was the best decision I ever made and yes it meant being broke with C-PTSD renting a bedroom in shared housing for a decade and yes I have no safety net but nothing could make me go back. They treat you like this now OP, it will never end. They will drag you down until they begin to experience cognitive decline and then you'll be wiping them up after they use the toilet and having to bathe them and deal with disturbing behaviour. There are really callous, heartless people who.truly don't care for others. Just because you do, doesn't mean they do you know...

Maddy70 · 27/09/2025 23:49

Just be less involved. You are craving attention which they both are incapable of giving.

You can still love them, and they love you but devout more time to yourself

WilfredsPies · 28/09/2025 00:38

This is a whole thing in terms of parental relationships. It has a name and everything. You’re a parentified daughter. You feel like you’re responsible for them and their happiness.

You feel like this because of them and their poor parenting. But it’s a complete myth because you are not responsible for them in any way shape or form whatsoever. It’s often a trauma response. They parented you so badly that you’ve taken over and positions have been reversed.

Your parents are parasites. They will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, and they will then turn on you for not being there for them. Nothing you ever do will be enough for them. And that has nothing to do with you or how hard you work to make them happy; it’s because they are broken people. There is something inside of them which is broken and neither of them have any interest in fixing it.

So you have a choice. You either let things carry on as they are, where they are chipping away at you until you have nothing left. Or you start to distance yourself and establish boundaries. Nothing will happen if you do that. If your dad doesn’t have you to rely on, he will manage. If your mum doesn’t have you to use as a free therapist, she will manage. You can’t fix either of them. There’s nothing you can say or do that will turn either of them into decent people. You absolutely must step back and save yourself.

Pumpkindoodles · 28/09/2025 00:43

Why are you doing so much for them? Are you hoping at some point they’ll say thank you and start being nice? They won’t. You need to cut back, your DP is right. they’re not adding to your life and it’s not your job to parent them even if they’ve raised you to think it is

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