Did you have Autistic parents

[Prinysoup]

Just wondering if anyone grew up with autistic parents and how it impacted them, if at all.

I just want to preface by saying I know this isn’t all autistic parents. Dh is autistic and a wonderful dad. But my dp were also emotionally immature and I think some of the issues were exacerbated by being autistic.
for example they weren’t very good at modelling friendships and social skills and I really struggled with this and I used to say a lot of rude things when I was younger because I thought you were just supposed ‘to be honest.’ Except, never to them because that would upset them and they would be upset for days and I was always scared of this.
They didn’t know at the time they had autism and as there were two of them and one of me they told me regularly how it was me that was ‘weird’ because I acted differently to them both and any misunderstandings were my fault.
I felt a bit parentified (I think accidentally) and I didn’t feel like I could have my own reactions because I was too busy worrying about their quite strong reactions. As I got older I worried about how people treated them or difficulties they would get themselves into by being blunt or not reading the room and I often tried to manage that.

They are lovely, I really believe they did the best they could, and I don’t believe anything they did was out of malice, but they just were unable to put themselves in my shoes at all.
I feel guilty all the time now that we’re not as close as they’d like us to be, but I often just feel frustrated or exhausted when I’m around them, always misunderstood, or on eggshells trying not to offend them.

Mum isnt. Dad is & so is my grandad, and so am I and my eldest. 🙈
Didn’t impact me as a kid, my dad was successful just wasnt very good in certain social situations- very much this is my opinion & I am correct type thing. He’s chilled out as he’s gotten older though.
My grandad on the other hand might as well be a selective mute. Very quiet but lovely man.

My DS is and I am. I think my DF was, undiagnosed. Everything was black and white, which I thought was the right way. I didn't know how to read between lines, see grey etc growing up. I'm so glad I had a greater understanding of my DS and could help him.

My DS is on a waitlist for an assessment, I believe both my dad and I are also autistic.
My dad was/is wonderful but is quite rigid - he would do all the cooking, washing up etc to make sure it was done how he liked it. This seems great and of course it was but he would then find it very difficult at other people’s houses, in restaurants etc. His idea of hell is a family bbq where he’s not in control! Each family holiday growing up there was at least one incident where he would bubble over and walk off in a strop, threaten to go home by himself or whatever. I always found this really unsettling and scary even though he was never aggressive with us or anything. Good qualities about him is he’s loyal, honest , hard working and very very helpful. He loves to help with any IT/tech problems and was really loved by his work colleagues (IT guy!!)
My sister is on mumsnet and if she reads this she’ll recognise this - hi!

Father is (undiagnosed). He was and is a kindly but remote presence. I don't remember him ever telling me off, praising me or wanting to spend any time with me. He was always, always working (at his very niche special interest area, which he still does 7 days a week now in his 80s). He lives abroad and never sends birthday cards or anything, but I know it's not that he doesn't love me, it's because cards and birthdays are unimportant to him.

Occasionally I will have a dream that he has died, and how upset I am I think is my subconscious checking if I really love him.

Neither are diagnosed and would deny it but given their own siblings, all their children and all their grandchildren are, with lots of the same traits, I feel quite confident that they are.

I wonder if it makes a difference if it’s just one parent. Especially if that parent is the dad.

My mum.

She can only eat a very limited diet and hates eating out. She’s great one to one but atrocious in a group situation. She doesn’t know how to navigate unexpected situations in public. She can’t follow TV programmes, I think she’s got auditory processing issues. We get on great, she’s got a heart of gold.

My MIL.

Wound extremely tight. Repeats herself a lot. Very intolerant. Obsessively tidy. Authoritarian personality. Grandiose. We don’t get on so well.

My mum definitely - undiagnosed but she recognises it herself now. She meant well but was a perfectionist who thought everything was about her and what her children did only mattered in terms of how it reflected on her, and although she claimed she "just wanted everyone to be happy" what she meant was, she wanted everyone to perform happy appreciation of her perfectionistic version of family life and not have messy or confusing feelings or disagreements.

Walking on eggshells definitely required and expected. She did her best in her own way, and didn't have it easy - she put huge pressure on herself and really exhausted herself putting on the performances for often imaginary audiences ("perfect" family Christmas with nobody allowed to do anything that didn't fit the script, making all decisions based on convincing undefined "people" she was a good mother rather than actually noticing her children as people) the way she felt she needed to (masking) especially considering when she was born, but everything was about her.

@InTheMountainsThere I recognise a lot of this. I often feel I was parented how my parents wish they were parented, which is admirable, but neither of them took the time to look at the child in front of them and how that child might actually need parenting.

I also believe they really did think they wanted everyone to be happy, but as you say, no messy feelings allowed and lots of appreciation for their hard work parenting.
I was so well behaved as a child and I thought even into my 20s that it was because of good, strict, authoritarian parenting, but I look back now with my own children and realise it was a bit odd that I never misbehaved even a tiny bit. I was just too scared of the emotional fall out.

My mum had very infrequent but absolutely terrifying melt downs when she got overwhelmed by her children not behaving as she expected - one nightmarish memory is of her screaming and crying as she drove us home from school, because we were apparently being ungrateful about something she wanted us to do (I can't remember what I or my sibling had said, only how terrifying the explosion was as she drove us home down country lanes, and some of the things she said were astoundingly hurtful - we were primary age).

99% of the time she was masking and performing, which must have been unbelievably exhausting, but it was all quite stressful as her children.

Her brother was also very clearly autistic, but quite different. He was very high performing academically and career wise until he suddenly got fired in his 50s for reasons never revealed to us, but didn't mask in his personal life and was very direct (quite nasty to me as a teenager with very personal comments) and also nasty to my mother, who he talked down to and over, but expected to be hosted by regularly. He had three extremely short lived marriages (all three broke down within months of a baby being born). One cousin is diagnosed autistic, the other two are probably not.

My mother had Asperger. No diagnosis but no doubt. My parents divorced then I was 10 yo. My 2 yo younger sister is Asperger woch a diagnosis late in life..
Tbh its wasn't a great childhood.

My mum is currently waiting for an assessment aged 60. With my limited knowledge of autism a lot of traits and behaviours she showed, and continues to show now, match. It makes sense. It's help explained a lot of things but I've always had a reverse parenting role with her which is very draining and overwhelming sometimes.

@Prinysoup Lots of parents have firm ideas about parenting though. They are fairly unbending so don’t change their methods. Neither is parenting a tailored science to each dc. If something worked with no 1, it gets repeated. I did this and my dc are different but my values and expectations remained constant. I don’t think that’s autism though.

@OhDear111 I’m not talking about their values though. But I actually do think parenting should be somewhat tailored to the child and if something isn’t working you shouldn’t just carry on doing it because that’s your method.

Of course rigid parenting ideas doesn’t just mean autism, but as I said I think the issues were exacerbated by them having autism. For example being rigid, having difficulty imagining other people’s perspectives, strong reactions and emotions, difficulty with perceived rejection, getting overstimulated are all common in people with autism.

So relatable!

I think both of mine are and both my brothers and I am not so never felt like I fitted in at home , my childhood was so awful I did not want to live there , had an eating disorder ( that they never noticed or if they had did not say anything) and ironically when I had the chance to leave by going away to university they wouldn’t let me ( was before student loans and they refused to pay their share of my grant )

I’m sorry some of you have had such difficult experiences.
it’s interesting how isolating being the only one who isn’t ND can be

My dad finally realised he is in his early sixties (and possibly ADHD too). But it’s been obvious to everyone else for years! My mum has completely covered for him his whole adult life, and is the peace maker/organiser/‘kind’ one. But it’s made her quite distant as a mother in reality, it must be very exhausting to be his parent and then ours too.
Their idea of being good parents and close with their children is different to mine, and I have to do a lot of managing my reactions to them. My dad will hyper focus on random things which you cannot get him to change topic on. And obviously realising he’s autistic is a new hyper focus!