How to deal with dh that doesn’t agree with me on anything

[Redhairy]

Whatever I say or do he has to disagree. We’ve now had an argument as sometimes it’s even things like we’ve moved into a new home and the oven hob wasn’t working. I said I’m sure the water is supposed to bubble to boil (but the hob is brand new so I’m doubting myself) I then got a lengthy explanation as to how new hobs don’t work like that now.

two weeks later the hob guy has been round to sort the dodgy fitting of the hob which led to it not heating up enough. Now dh is saying he ‘didn’t mean it wasn’t boiling but that we could still cook food on it as it was hot enough’

just so angry today. I recall what he said and now he’s changing his tune and does this regularly. And the more I think, the more he never agrees on anything I say, if I say the building is blue he’ll say, it’s more a green isn’t it. Just silly but has built up to being extremely annoying. Not sure how to deal with it. I’ve spent ten years passively agreeing but now want to stop it. Maybe it’s too late.

I’d deal with it by divorcing him. Life is too short for that.

Sounds AWFUL and exhausting.

Any children around all this?

DH did that for decades. My personality used to be to just bottle things up for years and years but then I hit menopause and all the people-pleasing genes seem to have disintegrated.

On holiday a couple of years ago I absolutely exploded at him and explained what he did and how belittled it made me feel, like I was always in the wrong, even when I wasn't. I gave endless examples from the holiday and when he tried to dismiss what I said, I explained he was doing it again, telling me I was wrong, when what he needed to do was listen and consider if I might have a point. I told him that I would definitely divorce him if it carried on because I'd put up with it for years and now I was post-menopausal and DC were adults I felt no need to put up with shit. His choice. Staggeringly, he has changed. He still desperately wants to tell me I am wrong about everything but now he says (in a not very convinced voice) ' Maybe...' or 'You could be right about that.' It makes me grin to see how hard he finds it but I appreciate he's trying.

Would he listen if you explained how it makes you feel?

@Broccolitime yes I have a 12yo I’m only just really realising he doesn’t agree with me. I think I’ve been sailing through and getting on with it all but this really annoyed me because I feel like I could have harmed someone cooking on this hob. He only realised when he went to cook on it and then and only the repair guy be sorted.

since this incident I’ve been looking to see if he actually agrees with me on anything and realising it’s an issue and I’m very frustrated by it even though I’ve been denying it’s a problem for a long time. He doesn’t agree with me on anything. Down to the smallest of things. in fact I think it’s the smallest things that upset me the most because it’s every single time.

I spoke to him about this and he’s saying it’s not true but couldn’t give any examples of agreeing with me.

His 12 year old too?

and you’ve been passively putting up with this for a decade??

I spoke to him about this and he’s saying it’s not true

of course he’s disagreeing with you Op!!!

Op, that's gonna wear you down over time. In fact, it's starting to wear you down now and will only get worse.

What do you want to do? How would your life be better? And I don't mean it would be better if he stopped doing this because he wont.

Op this will be a shit atmosphere and environment for your son.

@Cinaferna id settle for the occasional maybe so thank you for giving me hope .

I have finally exploded. And he even tried to start typing on his computer through the conversation which only enraged me further. But at the end of the conversation he continued to disagree with me. I don’t have anywhere to go and have no family so I think I’ve just put up with it. Now I’m not even sure what to do. It’s not overly easy for me to work out so I’ve been very passive. My fault I know.
I don’t want a divorce either but I don’t know how to improve this.

You are obviously at the end. He's not taking you seriously and dismissing your concerns.

I would find a way out. You need to find a way out. He doesn't respect you.

You cannot improve this relationship on your own. It's not you, it's him and he does this because he can. He has learnt this works for him. If you look at his parents chances are one or even both of them do this self same behaviour.

I would carefully consider if this is a marriage you want to remain in. I would not stay in such a marriage personally speaking because you are not respected within it.

You would not want your child to be in such a relationship as an adult so stop showing them this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level. This is not the model of a relationship this young person should be at all seeing. Do not let the lack of family keep you within this, that is also what he is counting on.

This isn’t someone who will change

He will go to his grave denying this OP

So my elderly dad gets into a groove like this, where it is more about the need to establish I am wrong than what I am actually saying. I just point it out to him. I wonder if you started to do that, what he would do? Rather than actually engaging on each point?

And when you point out he’s trying to prove you wrong, surely he responds “because you are”?

@Hotflushesandchilblains problem is things like the hob, he just changes his tune to make it sound like he’s been right all along.

No, what I point out is that he gets into a mood where he wants to disagree with everything I say, regardless of what it is, and that I wont put up with it.

@Redhairy that is why you have to focus more on the process of what he is doing, rather than the actual content of what he is disagreeing with.

What do you mean by "changes his tune"?

"I said I’m sure the water is supposed to bubble to boil (but the hob is brand new so I’m doubting myself) I then got a lengthy explanation as to how new hobs don’t work like that now."

He literally reinvented the laws of physics by telling you boiling water doesn't bubble on modern hobs!!!

This man is never going to change OP. The sooner you accept that and start working out how to leave him, the better it will be for you and your son.

You must be exhausted after 12 years of this type of abuse, but well done for seeing it now, that takes courage.

Well if water isn't bubbling it isn't boiling. What a contrary twat he is.

Life's too short for this nonsense. Any chance you could divorce him?

@Hotflushesandchilblains yes thank you I have not been realising what he’s been doing. I’ve been going along with it out of my own habits.
@ThreePears it does feel like this may be the only route out of this. I don’t know how to divorce him because I have nowhere to go. I think I will have to work on that at least now.

What kind of job is he in?

I bet he’s bloody awful as a colleague

@Broccolitime he’s a high up director so doubt he has many people disagreeing with him. That may be part of the problem as it’s extended to home.

Sounds like he’s threatened by you, can’t stand you being right and him wrong and so he is trying to belittle you to make him feel big. Depends on whether you think he could/would change or not. I’d be tempted next time record him on my phone to show that when you are proven correct and he suddenly says that’s what he was saying you could play it back to him and show him what a twat he’s been. Then depending on his reaction I would either give him chance to change or leave. But I suspect he won’t change.

Dp is/was like this. I once posted on Mumsnet that if I said the sky was blue, he would tell me it was green and not only that, insist it was green.

I exploded too - and Dp has changed a bit. I’m not sure they realise they are doing it to the extent they are doing it nor the way it makes you feel.

Dp’s problem is that he lost his job in Covid and started a business from home (so no one challenges him either and he can do exactly what he likes) but he’s also starved of company and I think almost becomes over enthusiastic for a ‘discussion’ with me.

for about a month, I reminded him all the time and it’s definitely got better. But you have to keep telling him EVERY time he does it.

It’s exhausting - you have my sympathy. I really hope he listens and makes an effort to change.

Pull him up on it every single time OP, this is the only way he will realise how often he is actually doing it. Also add a few “Of course you are right mr Redhairy, because obviously I’m always bloody well wrong” or similar response. Eventually he will get the message (hopefully)