To keep having the same conversations over and over again...

[Hbosh]

Background: I'm in an 8 year relationship, legal partnership, 2 children (6 and 4).
There have been a few hurdles in my relationship. I've not been perfect, neither has my partner. I really don't think there's a good guy/bad guy dynamic at play here. Sometimes I just worry that we're terribly incompatible. I've contemplated separating many, many times. My children are a big reason (although not the only reason) for why I'm still with him.

Todays question.
I feel so exhausted having to have the same conversations over and over again. It feels like I'm constantly having to teach my partner basic logical thinking and basic relationship skills. Meanwhile he gets to be unreasonable and emotional all he wants, and I have to remain patient and understanding. It's a pattern that's been at play for a long time.

An example:
We both work a salaried job and have a freelance job on the side. Our salaries are deposited in our joint household account. Our incomes are very similar.
My freelance income is very stable, a continuous stream of income except for when I'm on vacation. His income is sporadic. A few big projects throughout the year, followed by a big pay-out. Then maybe months of nothing.

We have an agreement that I deposit a fixed amount from my business account to our household account every month. I don't deposit everything, that way I build up a reserve and I can keep up the steady income even when I've not worked due to illness or holiday. It levels out and I have nothing left over at the end of the year (except money set aside for taxes).
His freelance income is not reliable, and therefor we use it as fun money or to add to our saving account. The deal is that he deposits all of his payments in the household account and we decide together what we use it for.

Today I asked about a payment that was due. He casually mentions that he put it in his savings account. I ask him why he did that and why he didn't feel like he needed to split it between the two of us, as we agreed. He got upset and defensive, and then starts saying that it's only fair because I hold back money from my business account too.

So again, I'm having to go back to the conversations we had where we decided how to arrange our finances. I ask him if he remembers. If he feels that this agreement needs to change. If he thinks I'm unreasonable somehow for doing exactly what we agreed I'd be doing. I ask him if there's an issue with trust that we need to address. In the end, rather than talking about why he did what he did, I'm left justifying something that we agreed on together. Which he just conveniently forgot about, yet again. But he always makes me look like the bad guy, as if I'd be deliberately withholding money.

These kinds of conversations just make me so incredibly tired. I try so hard to make everything a conversation, to ask him repeatedly how he would like us to handle certain situation, and yet in the end he paints me as this deeply selfish and inconsiderate person. I'm so sick of defending myself.

Has anyone else ever felt stuck in this dynamic? Is there a way out of here?

You see him as a partner but his definition of partner differs from yours.

Men are very often disinclined to put themselves out unless and and until they have been made very uncomfortable. Your DP is very comfortable so is starting to think of himself first. Changing his thought process may be hard, painful and, on your part, unforgettable.

You need a discussion with him, a long, clear look at the state of your relationship and be open to possibilities you don’t want and have never wanted.

Separate finances is the way to go. Unfortunately the end game will be you carrying the financial load. Why not just skip the next few years of angst and go your separate ways now?

So at the end of that conversation did he transfer the money he was supposed to?

Or did he just give your brain a loading swirl so you would forget?

In the end we always work it out fairly.
In this case he did transfer the money back and we split it. It's more the process of getting there that just wears me down...

He’s not hard of understanding! He did it on purpose bevause he thought he was entitled to it and doesn’t see you as a true partner. I’d be raging about this. Perhaps you are being way too nice. I’d have got really, really angry and let him see it.

This approach hasn’t worked for you because he has come to believe that you are supporting him snd his money is his. When he puts it in you treat it as “fun money” so he thinks it’s optional.

His approach to work and savings is also completely antithetical to yours. Its the Ant vs the Grasshopper all iver again. He is responsible for his share of the expenses year round but he thinks its sporadic and optional. In reality he should be working harder, smarter, and prepaying where he can to make sure the household is secure. He thinks you take care of the bread and butter and his money is jam.

So he has a seperate personal savings account? Do you?

It seems unfair if he's building up savings that he sees as 'his' when everything you earn is eventually deemed 'family' money.

Presumably he also has taxes to pay at the end of the year like you do. Where does he take that money from when it's due?

And that is ghe long game - you stop asking, your extra income becomes shared money and gets spent. his goes into savings and remains his. Wise up, this isca deliberate strategy so you'll just get fed up.asking.

Separate finances from now on.

"His" jam, too.

I do have a personal savings account.
We've decided to merge everything financially except for the savings we both came into the relationship with. He had significantly more than I did.

We file our taxes as a household. Usually I have enough set aside from my business account to pay the whole sum.

To be fair, I was only talking about our freelance jobs on the side.
We are both employed and our paychecks get deposited straight into the joint account. He does feel very responsible for his share of the household expenses. But yes, he does tend to see his freelance income as 'his' income, 'his' fun money. When mine is just part of the joint income.

I don't expect him to have a steady stream of freelance income. We don't need it to live. And anything he earns on the side also takes away from time as a family, since he has to work in the evenings or on weekends to deliver. I'm okay with it being sporadic.