Hisband cannot engage emotionally

[Aquababe73]

I went through breast cancer a couple of years ago. All good. Back to (a new) normal again. But terrified of it coming back as i know 2nd time round there's a much bigger chance of the journey ending in death. My daughter is 8 so obviously that is my biggest concern. Watching her grow, guiding her, knowing she's happy and settled.
Recently ive been getting a lot of bone pain - back, feet, joints, etc. and I'm concerned ive got secondary. Doctors appointment made for 2 weeks. Its been on my mind massively. This morning in bed, i turned over and got massive back pain. I started opening up to DH. I said "I'm so worried this is bone cancer and that means I'll probably not get through it this time." He said "you could make an appointment" i said "i have" he said "for when" i said "2 weeks" he said "thats a long time" i said "yes" he said " can i tell you about my computer stuff now" and then proceeded to ramble on about how his laptop didnt have the right processor to upgrade to windows 11 blah blah blah.
I was so upset as i just want someone to talk to and he is just so emotionally ignorant. He was awful when i went through chemo (emotionally that is). He cant cope and gets overwhelmed. As a consequence i get left dealing with this stuff on my own. So i just got out of bed. But i couldnt even find it in myself to express to him why it was i felt so upset as it would just be a waste of my breath. Nothing would change and he just flips it on me every time i try to explain myself by saying ive done x y z to warrant that reaction. He's a good DH in lots of other practical ways but i crave the emotional connection.

So sorry to hear this. I am also facing same level of disconnection that’s how I came across your post as I was looking for advice. I don’t know what to suggest but others have told me I just need to accept that’s his personality and find support elsewhere, it’s really sad isn’t it? I always thought my husband would be my best friend and soul mate but I think we both need to accept talking to them won’t make them change. Does he show you affection other ways? Mine doesn’t. He makes me feel unwanted all the time

That's really tough @Aquababe73 , going through treatment for recovering from cancer without emotional support must be very lonely.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone in a marriage?
If you can't speak to him about this one to one, can you consider couples counselling?
If that's not possible I would be asking myself how I want the rest of my life to be.
I'm sure several people will be along shortly to ask whether your husband is ND, whether he is or not is not really relevant to whether you put up with this for a lifetime. After all, if he is NT and could respond in an emotionally available way, the very fact that he has to be told to do so would be a deal breaker for me.
Good Luck

I'm so.sorry you're going through this, @Aquababe73 , and hope your appointment goes well.

My exh was like this. I felt let down one time too many and ended up leaving. It was not the only reason I left, however.

With hindsight, maybe counselling would have helped us relate to each other better.

Do you have other people in your life that you are close to and who can offer emotional support?

@Aquababe73 how are you doing today? Hope you okay

Please ring your doctors surgery tomorrow. Say that you've had recent breast cancer and that you are now experiencing bone pain and ask for an appointment today.

The chances are it is something simple and boring like peri-menopause pains/it's colder weather and you are prone to arthritis, but to put your mind at rest, ask for an earlier appointment.

Hi,
Breast cancer survivor here.
Mascectomy right breast with no node involvement.
I absolutely know the fear when you get pain or discomfort late at night, it makes you feel so alone.
I am actually going through this myself, waiting two weeks for a check up so I absolutely know how you feel.
My partner wasn't and isn't the best at talking about it either, he says it's because he's being strong for both of us and not letting me go down the doom scenario.
Whilst I do appreciate this it does not help when you feel so scared and just want a hug, a cuddle and go to sleep. I honestly think unless you have gone through having a cancer diagnosis you can really get the absolute fear of what if...
It's always there and it is for me also.
Three monthly mammography has helped also knowing I can get in touch with my initial McMallion nurse, can you contact them tomorrow and have a chat x
I absolutely know how you feel x

Morning @Aquababe73I can totally relate, my DH is a bit rubbish with all my cancer stuff and I think once you’ve had it, the fear of what if never leaves you.
Are you on tamoxifen or similar as they can cause a lot of joint pain and I also find with the weather changing that doesn’t help either.

I hope your appointment goes well and that your DH can start to understand your worries.

I can sympathise. My partner of 8 years is dreadful, ive recently had a biopsy for a breast lump and am awaiting results. Ive been a wreck, very emotional and nothing from him at all, no hug, kind words, he patted me like a dog when I was crying! He is like a robot. I was going to start a similar post actually as I feel a bit traumatised by it, sounds dramatic but relationship also not great ay the moment.

I found during my cancer diagnosis, there are certain people who fill certain roles.
While this may sound clinical, I discovered that some people don’t give you the comfort and reassurance you want.
Unfortunately this is your husband but if you know he is not going to say what you want to hear then talk to someone else about it.
It’s worth mentioning to him you would like him to be that person because a lot of the time they don’t know what to say.
The fear of recurrence is real and I totally get it.
The back pain maybe from the endocrine therapy, those tablets are hard going.
Good luck.

So sorry to hear what you’re going through.

I was with someone once who treated all my emotions as weakness or inconvenience. It was torture, and so lonely. But also hard because in other ways they were a “good” partner: no cheating, hardworking, quite committed to begin with.

We went to counselling. It didn’t help as he turned on the charm offensive there. I made all kinds of excuses for him in my head: he might be ND, his childhood, how his mind works, etc.

When I finally gave up trying to solve it and announced I was leaving, he finally admitted he belittled or ignored me on purpose. I was shocked that he had known all along and I’d been banging my head against a brick wall trying to work him out or get him to understand the impact of his actions on me.

But it turned out he knew exactly what he was doing.

I don’t know your husband OP, but my own experiences lead me to believe that these kinds of men don’t like us deep down, and are trying to hurt and control us. I think it’s because they don’t like themselves.

I left my partner and am now with a wonderful man who cares for me, who I never have to second guess, and everything is calm and peaceful and full of love.

I hope you get the all clear and one day find someone who makes you feel loved and safe.

Sorry its taken so long for me to see your post. I've not been on mumsnet due some abuse on another post. It is really sad. Mine also makes me feel rejected constantly. He goes to bed every night without even saying goodnight. Leaves the house without saying goodbye. Would sleep in the spare room frequently if i didn't pile the bed with washing to prevent this. He retreats to his office every evening and we fundamentally have opposite interests now. We used to go out, cinema, comedy nights, live music, etc he now says he is not interested in any of this anymore. He says it just who he is and refuses to seek any help. He doesn't want to admit to needing to make any changes or having any flaws. I'm in a constant quandry as whether to stay or go. But I try to actively tell myself things he does is showing me affection in other ways. For example letting me have a lie in at weekends but then he'll moan about having to do it and it spols it all. He does make me a cup of tea each morning if that counts.

Just to update all the lovely people who have commented. I have only just received the results from my whole bone scan as it took ages for the appointment to come through. The results were all clear but still have unexplained bone pain so am now being referred to a rheumatologist.

I didn’t see your post when you first posted but I’m so glad your bone scan came back clear. I can’t help with your DH problem but I really hope your rheumatologist appointment sheds some light on what’s going on and that it’s nothing serious and something easily managed x

Wonderful news your scan came back clear. Sorry you’ve still got the pain. Could be treatment related.

What exactly do you get from this relationship. You need to ask yourself. If it’s just a cup of tea then there’s your answer. Sounds like you’re already alone

I have one like this. 25 years of marriage. Emotionally illiterate. No comfort, affection, validation, intimacy (no sex for 20 years due to ED)

Had a life or death operation years ago. Was worried about my young child facing growing up without a mum. Night before operation, husband being short and miserable, not because he was worried but because he is a miserable fucker and doesn’t consider my feelings.it didn’t occur to him to think I might be emotional about what I was facing and be kind.

He’s not a bad man at all but I do feel bereft of love and joy. I think it’s down to different love languages. I didn’t leave 20 years ago because I had a young child and I could not cause him any pain. Ironically son is emotionally unavailable to me too, having learnt at daddy’s knee about ‘silly mum’ This breaks my heart daily.

Husband does things that really annoy me, not deliberately but just because he doesn’t think my feelings matter. Belittles me when challenged about it- thinks I am making a fuss about nothing. Eventually, always sorry, but when is it enough to end it? I’m old now and don’t want to be alone.the reasons to leave just aren’t compelling enough.

I’m sorry for you all going through cancer and hope you find the kindness you deserve.