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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tinder advice wife may be on it

9 replies

Elgenius · 27/09/2025 10:02

some time ago I caught my wife talking to men she and met through tinder. She created a fake account and had chats with a few by text and on the phone, although I am certain she didn’t meet any.

Clearly this caused big issues for our marriage but we worked at things and I think things are good.

i have a hunch, nothing more than that, just a gut feeling that something may be up again. She had a missed call from a random number, she phoned it back with me present and the guy who answered refused to talk. I entered the number into my WhatsApp and a profile photo came up of a guy I would guess mid twenties (we are around 40) and he blocked me when I messaged him asking who he is.

i know virtually nothing about tinder. If I were or install it on my phone but try to use my wife’s number to sign in I believe it sends her a code?

if I had this coffee and used it on my phone would it take me into any accounts she may have if she does have any?

she isn’t especially secretive over her phone, the kids have free use of it, I may be totally wrong and have no evidence other than that one guy and a hunch, I know some will day talk to her etc but she will flatly deny it so there is no point.

the nagging feeling is driving me mad. Even though I probably could access her phone I have no desire to as she may have innocent conversations with family etc, that I don’t want to see out of respect for my wife and for them, but if there’s any kind of chat history in tinder or similar I don’t think I am doing anything morally wrong trying to find them.

if she is using tinder I highly doubt the profile pic will be her, last time she used a much younger persons photo and although I think it’s absurd and wrong i do have a vague understanding of her reasoning. I don’t accept or condone it but I tolerate that one episode in an otherwise good marriage.

please no judgement here. Just asking for advice as to if my theory is right from anyone who knows it better than I do

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 27/09/2025 10:04

Just sit down and ask her outright. If you've done work on your marriage this kind of uncertainty and suspicion will wreck what you've done. And if your worst fears are confirmed at least you won't be being played anymore and can make an informed decision.

Original poster
Elgenius · 27/09/2025 10:07

Catsknowbest · 27/09/2025 10:04

Just sit down and ask her outright. If you've done work on your marriage this kind of uncertainty and suspicion will wreck what you've done. And if your worst fears are confirmed at least you won't be being played anymore and can make an informed decision.

I literally said in my post that isn’t an option. Trust from my side is low. If she denies it I won’t believe her. She won’t admit it last time I had to prove to her I’d found it with peoples names and numbers before she finally caved in

OP posts:
Aquababe73 · 27/09/2025 10:10

If she is on Tinder, and this is just a suspicion currently, then it means she's not happy with an aspect of your marriage. Perhaps she needs the flirty connection, to feel desired, to feel a spark. I'm not saying it's right what she's doing, it's not, but talk to her, try and understand what's motivating this behaviour. You may not like the answer but it will give you a starting point to work from.

morbidd · 27/09/2025 10:11

Right well I always believe you should trust your gut feeling. You’ve been here before, so you are likely to be right about her being on tinder. If you don’t wanna confront her without evidence then you are going to have to look for it. I’d be tempted to perhaps create a fake tinder profile to see if you can locate her. Otherwise, look on her phone when you can.

Original poster
Elgenius · 27/09/2025 10:11

Aquababe73 · 27/09/2025 10:10

If she is on Tinder, and this is just a suspicion currently, then it means she's not happy with an aspect of your marriage. Perhaps she needs the flirty connection, to feel desired, to feel a spark. I'm not saying it's right what she's doing, it's not, but talk to her, try and understand what's motivating this behaviour. You may not like the answer but it will give you a starting point to work from.

I totally agree with you and I can understand every point you make, but I’m specifically looking for advice as to whether or not I could find any relevant messages in the way I have asked. Do messages delete after so long etc?

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsMicStand · 27/09/2025 10:12

Create a fake account and match with her

Original poster
Elgenius · 27/09/2025 10:12

morbidd · 27/09/2025 10:11

Right well I always believe you should trust your gut feeling. You’ve been here before, so you are likely to be right about her being on tinder. If you don’t wanna confront her without evidence then you are going to have to look for it. I’d be tempted to perhaps create a fake tinder profile to see if you can locate her. Otherwise, look on her phone when you can.

The problem is any profile photo she uses I really doubt will be her so how do I find her?

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 27/09/2025 10:15

I'm sorry but is this going to be your marriage forever? Suspicious but won't ask. Need to know how to find out but won't have an open conversation because your trust is low..? I can't get my head around that.

Original poster
Elgenius · 27/09/2025 10:18

Catsknowbest · 27/09/2025 10:15

I'm sorry but is this going to be your marriage forever? Suspicious but won't ask. Need to know how to find out but won't have an open conversation because your trust is low..? I can't get my head around that.

im asking for help with a specific issue not marriage guidance. I am aware of any shortcomings and am working on them in my way. I will never truly trust her 100%, ever, but can hopefully get somewhere close. If I am indeed wrong and could log into any tinder account and there are no messages or not even find one exists then if anything I’ll trust her more

OP posts:
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