Depressed DH and children - I'm floundering, help

[DamageLimitation101]

My DH has struggled with mental health issues (anxiety, panic attacks, depression) for many years, but is currently going through a really bad patch. We have two fairly young children, 4 and 7.

I'm struggling with a lot of things in terms of his mental health and our relationship but I'm especially struggling with how best to balance supporting him (as much as I can - I feel so burnt out from years of doing so and don't feel I have much left to give) with shielding the children as much as possible from what he's going through.

Right now he is very up and down, and is having frequent panic attacks, and finding it hard to handle noise, repetitive input and competing demands... all of which 2 kids provide in spades. 🥴 I am trying to take the kids out as much as possible but he says he misses us when we're away. But when we're around he is either having to leave the room because a panic attack is coming on due to ordinary family noise, or is short-tempered, or is making comments that I don't feel the kids should be hearing ("oh I suppose it's all my fault again" when someone gets upset, "I'm so shit" etc). My DD meanwhile was busy talking about what a bad person she is whilst I was putting her to bed. 😥

I just... don't know what to do. So much of the advice online about supporting people with mental health issues assumes there are just two adults in the picture, it feels so much harder with DC around too.

If its damaging your kids he needs to go somewhere else to recover, they have no need to hear such things or walk on eggshells

Is he under the care of a mental health professional?

Is he following his treatment plan and taking his meds?

Your daughter has already internalized his negativity so his mental health is affecting your kids. It might be time for you to separate. You can't fix his mental health for him and it sounds like it's overwhelming you and the kids.

Is he getting medical help?
Can he go live elsewhere with friends or family?
He is the adult here. He is responsible for getting his help.
You are the functioning adult looking after the kids so put yourself first put the dc first.
Go speak to your GP. About your needs.

The current bad patch is partially because he is changing medications, under the advise of his GP. He attended group counselling last year but GP hasn't seemed keen to refer him on to a specialist.

Depending how recent the med change was, it might not have been enough time to see effects, or, it might not be the right med for him. He needs to report to the GP that he's irritable and snappy and short tempered and having an increased incidence of panic attacks as well as extremely stressed by his family going about their normal daily activities and his worsening mental health is affecting his family. Frequent panic attacks around the kids, no bueno. Maybe he can push for a psychiatric consult.

I would seriously think about a separation in your shoes. It's not his fault, but the worse his mental health is, the more effect on you and the kids.

I’m really sorry but I agree with the posters saying he needs to move out elsewhere.
My child’s father’s mental health became so poor he said to her “If you keep doing (normal behaviour)I will end up killing myself and then you will never see me again. Is that what you want?”
She’s never been the same since. She tiptoes around him, is adultifed in caring for his multiple younger children as she’s scared of him doing similar to them, but she also copies this manipulative mental health behaviour.
Your DH’s mental health is already affecting your children and we know developmentally this has lifelong effects on a 9 year old- an age your DD almost is!

Yes OP unfortunately I agree with the above posts. He is not emotionally safe to be around the children at the moment. Has he got family he can stay with? I would be looking to separate to protect the kids going forward.

Just wanted to update this thread (and ask for further advice). We have decided to separate. We haven't told the kids yet, he has had an offer accepted on a house but we're waiting for that all to progress a bit more (so we're closer to his move-out date) before telling them. Being so young I think too much advance warning will just lead to DD7 worrying too much.

I guess I'm just wondering whether anyone here has experience of separation/divorce where one partner is mentally ill. It feels like a lot of "standard" divorce advice, especially around the kids, assumes (reasonably enough) two stable adults who just no longer wish to be married. Whereas this is not the case and I just can't expect him to be able to always (for example) patiently answer the kids' questions about the separation when we do tell them.

I'm also struggling a lot with guilt. He has been away for a few nights recently (I asked him to be because I am finding cohabiting very hard, especially with him currently in a very anxious state) and DD has been saying things like I hate it when Dad is away, it doesn't feel like home etc. 😭 Part of me things why can't I just be a better person and have it in me to support him AND the kids. But at the same time I can see that when he's here we're all existing in this awful anxiety soup and the kids behaviour is so much worse, and my temper is frayed!

I guess I just hate this.

Part of me things why can't I just be a better person and have it in me to support him AND the kids
because if you did that permanently and placed him before the dc and you well for the unforeseeable… you’d burn out completely, and who would the dc have then?
You’ve done amazingly to keep everyone together and as stable as you could till now. This is you putting your own oxygen mask for you and dc

You continuing to try to support him at home would not be you "being a better person". It would be you not putting your children first.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your DD is too young to understand that his behaviour is damaging to her. You are protecting her. She will get used to things with time and your home will now be a safe and predictable (in a good way) place for her.

She can see her Dad when his mental health is good and be safe from his unpredictability when it is not good. Don't doubt yourself!

HI , my exdh had massive MH breakdown, echos your "egg shells" etc. He did NOTHING at home , I was still working and trying to juggle his moods, outbursts ( emotional and physical) , the children's care and all his medical care etc. I had to make a choice , I couldn't do all of it, I was going to , quite literally , end up in the river. I chose the kids, and would again in a heart beat .

just to add I had 4 primary aged children when it all started.

Do you mind me asking - how did it all go in terms of managing the whole process / contact afterwards?

So sorry. Can you get therapy for the kids so the in no way blame themselves or think it was because of them.

I was told as a child that the reason my mum ended up in a psychiatric unit was because me and my brother argued too much ! We were normal kids ! These things really stick with kids and I do feel like I've carried guilt into my adult life. Agree with others that he perhaps needs to go elsewhere if that is possible.

The reality is that your DD has probably already picked up on the need to appease dad and make him feel loved, without pressure, all the time. I suspect as they're young, once he's gone, the calmer more normal environment at home will quickly become something they value and appreciate, even if they can't articulate it.

I also think you need to walk a fine line between being honest with the children and not adding to their worries. It might be worth getting professional advice here but I think you need to be thinking about the right way to say things like, "Daddy really struggles to be at home and although he loves us, as you've seen, he gets very stressed out and that's not fun foro any of us, is it? Now we'll see him less often but when he's feeling better and can hang out with us or with you properly without getting stressed out."

At a more practical level, you'll probably have to put more effort into making things feel normal and fun and homelike when he first leaves. Start new traditions perhaps or do things differently - in a way that the DC love - to draw a lien under a new, better phase in everyone's life.

The biggest challenge really is going to be him not being available or accessible to the children and letting them down. Because I suspect he's not going to be terribly present. I hope you've sorted finances as part of the separation? I think him leaving is the right thing because frankly, I'm fascinated by the fact that apparently he was unable to do anything and yet he's found and bought a house....

Oh, and please don't talk too much about daddy being "sick", a)that just adds to the DC's worry and feelings of responsibility and b) it doesn't sound like dealing with his mental health and being a good parent is on the horizon for him so you're setting your children up for upset becasue he never gets better....

This.

Edited, as I just read your update.

It will be a stressful time but it sounds like the right decision and you will come through it. I've not been through it so can't advise, but can only suggest you focus on two or three things that you personally decide are fundamental to your children's continued wellbeing and make sure they happen everyday. That could be deciding your home, without him, will be a calm one or allowed to be a happy, boisterous one where they are allowed to make a bit of noise. Or it could be that you work on helping them develop healthy habits and skills of resilience to try and ward off any genetic tendencies they might have to a similar illness.

He moved out to live with his sister , 3 hours away, sadly due to interference from his family and some of mine, contact trailed off quite quickly , I believe his vulnerable estate was abused by those who were taking "care" of him. It could have been very different. Home, and I , became my DCs "safe place", much less volatile, I was regularly having to chase after him , kids in tow, when he put himself in danger. If me and him had been supported I could have pictured him living close by and having the opportunity to still have a good relationship with the children. .

When I talk of my divorce people just don't "get" it, its not like most divorces. It feels more like others forced us apart rather than support us to be "togther" even if that meant living apart.

it is very hard for you atm, i hope calmer days are ahead

Thanks, this is very much on my mind. It isn't that he isn't "trying" or seeking help - he very much is, but he's been round the houses with it all as long as I've known him and I don't think I can see it getting better - unless, as I do hope, a much quieter daily life helps him to calm his nervous system down. But yes, I agree, there are no promises to be made about him getting "better". And that's a really hard thing to accept about someone I once really, deeply loved.

Thanks, this is very sage advice. And yes, thinking in terms of their adult mental health is at the forefront of my mind.

I've made contact with a nearby play therapist and it's definitely a priority for me for them to have that. Also trying to ensure that DD7 in particular has time around other trusted adults to talk about her feelings without me or Dad being present. I do worry that DD in particular will blame herself, partly because so many of her interactions with her Dad end badly right now with him getting overwhelmed, and she is so self-critical.

Get her daughter into therapy asap, I would also suggest very minimal contact until he is actually well and completely stable - get a co parenting app and keep communication to just about the kids. You are NOT his support system.

Does he have anyone he can stay with until his next place is ready? Because that's probably a better option.