Lovely man wants to start a relationship with ME? How to tell him I’m bad news

[ThatSunnyRoseOP]

Well, I want to make it clear, he shouldn’t considered it and his life is at a different stage. A different way to mine… some of it I somewhat envy. But I have to make my peace with what I have.

He is 31. I am 27 (almost 28). I feel like we are the same age but I’m more weathered with the throws of hard life lol.

This guy does content creation for advertise his day job (self employed), so know him from that. Messaged one day about something and met up…

In truth, I was really really taken by him before I’d even met him. Just seemed to be such a genuinely nice person. Saw an interview with him in it and he’s not flash. Not OTT. Just a nice, chill guy with lovely friends from what I’ve seen of their social media and videos. Very down to earth.

We met up once and ended up kissing by the end. I felt like I’d known him for years. I am probably on the spectrum and just felt like I could be myself. He found me beautiful and liked how I came across.

Second time I saw him, we went for a walk by the beach and ended up in his room because of heavy rain. Ended up having sex.

He has sent me a few messages and wants to arrange meeting again, but this time it’s for something out and about.

How do I gently but kindly explain I am not want he needs. I really, really do like him. It genuinely is a me problem, not him. But I cannot have a relationship with this man.

I told myself this would be a kiss/maybe sex and that would be it, out of my system. So I feel a bit like I’m going to go through a teenage heartbreak. I do wish life could be different, but it isn’t.

I work very part time in a school reception and have a child with severe additional needs. My life will always consist of never ending nappies and support for a child and then adult who cannot support himself. We manage to go away to see family in Italy once a year, that’s my holiday.

This guy is at the start of getting his proper ‘adulthood’ up and running. He is becoming successful, flying to different countries. Next month, he’s going over to Canada. I could never dream of doing any of this. It simply isn’t possible for me. And therefore, surely this is a terrible match. Something that just can’t continue

I would like to have sex a few more times but get the feeling that’s not really just what he has in mind… and so it isn’t right.

I didn’t explain in my post, I am divorced and have been for 18 months. I got married at 20.

He is thoughtful, polite, kind. But he lives with his parents still and his mum does a lot for him by default such as washing and cooking for him quite a bit.

I have a house and a DC to care for. I am just not… free 😔

It’s early days to be so worried. You can’t know if either of you will want a future together. Why not meet him a few more times and see how things develop. You could talk a bit about your child too
soits not a big surprise.

Life is complicated enough without creating dramas for yourself OP. If he wants to see you, see him?

My thinking is that I need to exercise some common sense and quit this whilst I’m ahead!

As I do really fancy this person and think he’s great. But ultimately, we will never share a life together so dating/any relationship is surely pointless. This cannot possibly be something he will settle for

I’ve explained my circumstances in quite a bit of detail but I don’t think he even comes close to appreciating how difficult it would be to do this or be directly involved someway down the line

How about being totally upfront with him about your concerns and then let him make the choice? Sounds like you could be great together...

I wrote off my now-DH in much the same way (for different reasons) 😁

Your job is to protect YOU. His job is to protect HIM.

No harm in telling him your fears, as PP says! What do you have to lose, especially since your alternative is to pull the plug silently?!

Does he fully know about your situation? If so he's going in with open eyes? If you like him why not see where it goes? What's the worst that can happen?

Okay so I don’t really know how to unpack this with a decent explanation but I’ll try -

It is really, really hard to know what you’re getting yourself into, especially I imagine if you’ve got no experience of special needs really, and you fancy the person who is parenting!

In addition to this, I am frightened of falling in love with this person, wasting 12 months +. All for him to see what life is like with a disabled child by spending a short period of time with us, and deciding he needs to cut me off

My only saving grace is I do have a good sleeper, so get 6.30pm to 5.30/6am child free… but I can’t really go anywhere unless I’ve got respite booked, and it isn’t much. Or, family might step in for the odd evening

This young man deserves to live his life and build a good life for himself. Surely?

Let’s assume, that this man, given the chance and the time, wanted to spend many years supporting you, loving you, accepting your life and what it entails and didn’t think for one minute that you were holding him back….

Would you want it?

Yes, of course. Thing is, the last bit can never be true, in all honesty. There’s no way if for some bizarre reason, he wanted me as a partner, his life wouldn’t be compromised or that I wasn’t holding him back

The two can’t be true at the same time. His home life would be stressful. He is growing hugely in popularity and is really growing his career. What do I have to offer? Nothing. My money is spent tending to myself and my DC, keeping DC safe and happy. And that won’t ever change. I will always be a carer

We give women advice to not settle, and expect from a partner the things they expect of themselves. Surely he’s worth more?

I am not saying I am awful. I am good looking (it’s anonymous so I’ll say it). Friend passing him when we were out said I was way above his league. What was he doing and how did he land me? - It is true, I am very happy with my appearance. I am funny (sometimes). Honest. Compassionate. I am confident in my personality

But, I don’t have anything to offer anyone. And if I was a single person, with no dependents and a developing, promising career, no I wouldn’t date a carer because our lives would never match up

You sound as though you have quite a lot to offer that he's interested in, OP.

What competition do you imagine you're up against?

No one is perfect. Presumably he has had a life with disappointing relationships and has some insight, based on his own experience, into what he wants and doesn't want in a relationship.

Don't make assumptions just yet. Ask?

Let yourself enjoy this.

Relationships don't have to last forever to be good relationships, married people don't have to live together, you deserve a life too.

Aw love you’re placing a lot of emphasis on what you can ‘offer’. What’s wrong with offering ‘you’?! As you are, with all your commitments. You sound like a very very supportive person/potential partner who wouldn’t ’hold Him back’, so what if he’s up and coming! That doesn’t mean you can’t cheer him on in his endeavours, while he cheers you on with yours.

Give him the option! He might run a mile, but he might not! You don’t know!

You deserve happiness for you as much as anyone else.

OP You are being very hard on yourself. Maybe he actually does understand your situation and wants to date you anyway? Are you saying that because of your caring responsibilities you are never going to have a meaningful relationship? If so you are being very hard on yourself. Why not date him, be honest with him and let him learn about your full on caring responsibilities? You do have something to offer, you have yourself and maybe that is what he wants?

To be honest you sound like you’re overthinking this.

Firstly you’ve met up twice and had sex once, wedding bells are not ringing. He might not be seeing a future yet and is happy to just keep it casual? So you worrying over him missing out long term by being with you, might be misguided if he isn’t thinking long term anyway.

secondly it’s weird to call a guy 4 years older than you, a young man that might be wasting his life with you.

you’re happy with your appearance but maybe just focus more on being happy with your life? Like sorry but I don’t think this man is really thinking about being a step dad or nappies or anything. You don’t need to beat yourself up over that. It’s fine to wonder if there’s a future but I wouldn’t be apologetic over my life at this stage.

Yep, this may be 100% true.

But I briefly had a sexual hook up before and although it went on for a good while, he wasn’t asking me anything interesting or discussing things I’d only really say or ask someone who I see a potential partnership with

This guy seems very keen to spend time with me that isn’t sex. I wouldn’t go on a day out to a zoo, with someone I just wanted to shag

He invited me there after last seeing him, I told him I really like animals and strolling around zoos, but my DC hates it so we don’t go.

He wants to go with me so I can enjoy it for myself

You said in your first post the he wants to see you again for something "out and about".

Why not bring your child along (including their wheelchair and any / all support items you would need for a picnic type day out with your child).

Let him see exactly what your life entails and then let him decide if he can handle it - whether he has room on his life for you and everything that dating you would involve.

It may cone to nothing or something. You seem to like him and be having fun ... just enjoy this for now and if it goes no further it doesn't matter. Enjoy the moment.

This is very tempting and something I may consider doing some time soon, if this is going to continue

I would usually always say wait at least 6/12 months before gently introducing any DC. But, maybe this is a special circumstance

DC is a really beautiful child. When something does go well, it feels like you’ve really won at life. When a small milestone or fleeting moment has happened that’s positive, it feels amazing. I don’t think it’s possible to articulate just how much I adore them. There are nice bits. And hey, at least we never queue for stuff on days out!

He has commented that my car is great for X and Y. I prodded that it needs to be to fit a special need buggy and the bag with life’s essentials! He laughed. Said it was a shame with a wink

But the difficult parts are beyond most average people’s comprehension. It is incredibly challenging, I always feel like I’ve ‘won’ when the day is done, we are all washed, safe and comfy. Asleep and me watching telly or doing something I like. But they’re biologically mine. So less of the ‘what the hell have I done, I don’t want this’

A Very immature part of me wants to be a bit mean, say it’s just sex! I just want sex and that’s that. Leave me be. I don’t want you like that. I just want fun.

I’d never do it. It isn’t something I’d say and I’d be mortified if I ever did and rewatched that play out.

But part of me feels like that would feel really good. Not sure why

Does your child stay with his father sometimes or do you have him 24/7?

If you get time without your child then you have time to find out where this relationship might go. Don’t you think you deserve some fun and happiness?

Why don't you just tell him what you are telling us here?
I think you are very afraid of him rejecting you and therefore already want to nip this whole thing in the bud. Open up to him about your life and let him decide if he wants to deal with your situation.

You're not 'bad news'! When I saw your post title I thought you were going to say you were a secret addict, had a criminal past or something similar!!

To be honest, there is a real possibility he will be put off of a long term serious relationship when he begins to see the reality of your responsibilities. But... most new relationships end, that's just how it goes, you meet someone you are attracted to, fall for them and then find out all the ways you aren't actually compatible and get your heart broken and then move on. We put ourselves through that because it feel nice at the time and often because we hope we'll meet someone that we are compatible with for the long haul.

You like him, you deserve a little fun (and sex), don't write him off, give him a chance and even if it doesn't last forever, you could have a lovely relationship without it becoming the relationship.

In your situation, I would probably freak out too. But can you try to take one step at a time? Try to be in the moment. If everything goes wrong, at least make sure it wasn't you who rushed it. Let things go their own way.

Because I am a bit stuck on what to do. In any new romance, it is far too early days to bring up ‘look, is this going to work because this is EVERYTHING I have going on’

He knows a lot. I am not sure what else I can say without coming across to over the top. I want to let things flow but he honestly is in dream world if he thinks we can just live happily ever after. And I don’t want to date him and invest so much precious time if he will just realise that as soon as he meets DC :( Likewise, I don’t want to waste his time either