Marriage over but husband wants to remain in house

[Southernstatue]

I will try and keep this breif but want to give a bit of backstory.

Our marriage has very much been rocky all year as my husband has become very paranoid and believes because we have had less sex this year that I must be getting it somewhere else.
He has struggled with severe depression in the past and believe it may be rearing its head but he is refusing to seek any help this time and it is impacting the whole family.

He went on a night out with some friends and came home and woke me up at 3am to tell me he had kissed someone else. He then said he didnt mean it and only said that to me because he thought it would get me to admit that i had been doing worse (which i haven't).

Its so stupid and i have tried to move forward from this but its not the 1st that hurtful comments have been made with a similar thought process from my husband so this time I refuse to go back. I dont want this to be the gold standard for our sons on how to treat women and nor do I want our daughter to think this is acceptable in a partner.

Sorry i really seem to have gone off on one.

My question is has anyone let their husband remain in house after breakdown of marriage? I think it is weird and he helps very little as is, so i don't think there would be any benefit to him staying? If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Do you know what mortgage is outstanding and what the house might be worth? Who is paying the mortgage at the moment?

Do you have joint bank and savings accounts? It sounds like you have separate finances at the moment?

Can you get back to FT work, now or once divorce is settled and you need to keep a separate home?

If you can both agree to divorce, financial settlement, and custody arrangements, it could all be wrapped up quite quickly. If not, you may need to stay in the house together for years while wrangling goes on. If you can’t bear the thought of that, and he won’t leave, you’ll have to - which is why you’ll need to have a clear picture of your savings, earning capacity, and child maintenance entitlement.

@Southernstatue sounds like he is projecting his bad behaviours/ thoughts on to you.
Id be asking him to leave . He’s blew with your trust and respect for you .

But he has equal rights to remain there?

Is this not the classic he’s projecting and it’s him that’s playing away but making out it’s you?

True, but he’s the one being the knob so the descent thing to do would be for him to leave. Insisting he stay will do him
no favours with OP.

She’ll have more respect for him if he takes responsibility for his actions and the negative impact it’s had on their relationship and moves out.

He does very little with the kids as is so i cant imagine that will change.
I cant even go and grab a coffee with a friend without it becoming a problem

We have a joint account for the big bills but then the majority of the extras are split. I mostly manage the groceries and have been asking to increase the amount we pay into joint account to include food shop but it never comes to fruitation. Going to book an appointment with solicitor so hopefully they will keep me right

Funny, thats exactly what my friend said too. He says he hasn't cheated and he just said it to hurt me which I dont think is any better

I'd be tempted to tell him that unless he goes, you'll go stay with a friend and he can look after the kids.

I wouldn't actually, but it would be very tempting to make him believe this...

Don’t do living together it just doesn’t work out and turns nasty quickly.
I speak from experience and had a final showdown with my stbxh this week and he’s moved out
these men want their cake and to eat it too at anyone’s expense

@Southernstatue

Ok the him and you bit is a mess. And I think it would be better for YOU, to just talk basics with him.

Along the lines of "I refuse to live like this we need to move forward. And we need to move forward only in what is best for the children, we are adults, we have to suck it up, so we both need housing that accommodates their needs and they need two involved but separated parents, how are we going to do this, and no we are not living in the same house you just looking after you because that's no good for me"

Simple, easy, well not easy to sort but easy to understand, blunt, emotionless even, but practical and honest.

In direct response to your question, god no I wouldn't entertain living with H separated, him "just looking after himself" because he would expect (probably) to do it with a full fridge, a clean kitchen, clothes washed and he drifted around basically being him without the relationship commitment, that is all I would hear. OK maybe, maybe he would wash a pan. Maybe. But would play on the fact I would do it because at some point it would be needed to cook the kids something.

This sort of nonsense.

So no, absolutely not. But I would work towards a civil co-parenting set-up in separate houses and expect him to at least want that basic the same.

What on earth is it about this arrangement that he thinks would be attractive to you? The number one benefit of splitting up with someone is supposed to be that you don’t have to live with them anymore.
He’s paranoid, accusatory, makes things up just to hurt you, doesn’t even really pay his way. Why has he suggested that YOU look after the kids? He’s 50% of their parents. What are the benefits of this for you really? Unless he’s doing 50% of the childcare, all you’ve really got is a shitty hostile housemate.