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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressed and hit a roadblock with my marriage..

14 replies

KaAiLe · 26/09/2025 07:13

Im honestly unsure why im even typing this out as the answer seems to easy but its the hardest thing ive ever went through and im not seeing the light at the end..

Ive been with with my husband over 10 years and its been a rollercoaster and I think at the start I just turned a blind eye to alot of what people were telling me. Anyway we are now two kids later and im drowning. Hes got issues with anger and alcohol but together they are unbearable. Before kids I felt like we had the same plans and likes in life but since having kids I just dont know if we ever did.

Hes plain horrible to me and can also be not nice to our daughter, he ruins every family time away with drinking too much and its hard.

He holds all the cards and in terms of money I work part time, im not named on the house. I did put myself on the housing register in February and I have 230 points but not even sure what that means. He works away so I get a break but im now losing sleep over him coming back. He will go in a mood if he doesnt get sex and accuse me of cheating. Its honestly horrible and I know if I had a house right now id be gone.

I guess im looking for some words of when it will get better and I know when I leave but I dont need to hear that right now. Is anyone going through something similar? My kids are my world and I always keep them safe but my oldest has definitely witnessed things she shouldn't have and I feel so guilty for that.

I have my mum only and she lives a bit away from us so not really suitable for school etc. Im determined to break free but its not as easy as people think

OP posts:
mrandmrsrobinson · 26/09/2025 07:18

See a solicitor. Free half an hour and understand your legal rights and what you're entitled to financially. It may ease your concerns.

You need to get away for the sake of you and your children's MH long term

Nothing good ever comes of being around an alcoholic.

Reachedtheend · 26/09/2025 07:40

I agree with pp. Get legal advice as to your entitlements if you divorce.
Find out what benefits you might be entitled to.

What has your oldest witnessed OP? Is he physically violent? Perhaps talking to Wmen's Aid might be of help you. Even if he hasn't been physically violent you shouldn't be having to deal with his anger.

There are also charities like Al -Anon who give advice and support to families of alcoholics and they might be helpful to you.

Newtojak · 26/09/2025 07:59

I am the child of a recovering alcoholic parent. Neither you nor your children should have to suffer because of his alcoholism. If he is open to AA and is willing to address his problems then you will likely find he is a different person. If he is unwilling to change, please don't wait around and hope for the best as it will only get worse. If you can speak to him without risking a violent reaction try and persuade him to go to AA, explain the effect his alcohol consumption is having on you and the children. If you can't speak to him safely, or he refuses then I would advise you to take your children and leave. Go to your Mum's if necessary, the disruption to school will be nothing compared to the affect on your children of living with an angry alcoholic. Be prepared for anger, suicide threats and emotional blackmail, as an addict will do almost anything to avoid confronting their own demons. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, his alcoholism is his problem to fix, not yours, but you and your children do have choice and agency to not have to live with this behaviour.

VoodooQualities · 26/09/2025 08:35

When you see the solicitor, which might even be free for the first hour (find one that is), ask him/her about a 'marital rights notice' - this is basically a document that you register, which states that you have the right to stay in the home until the settlement is finalised.

It is to protect you in case he tries to sell the house, which he could legally do if your name isn't on it as you say.

Original poster
KaAiLe · 27/09/2025 06:18

@mrandmrsrobinsoni have thought and looked up solicitors but I honestly dont know if I want anything from the house etc like I just want a clean break away from dealing with him.

I know and I can see issues with my daughter already...

I just feel the two weeks hes away go by so fast and I cant do anything then when hes back I cant do anything either

OP posts:
Original poster
KaAiLe · 27/09/2025 06:20

@Reachedtheendso hes not physically hit me since like 2018 but hes been in my face alot and thrown things in my direction to cause fear.

He can be downright horrible but then act like everything is okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaAiLe · 27/09/2025 06:24

@NewtojakUnfortunately he doesnt think he has a problem as he is away for 2 weeks and doesn't drink then comes for 2 weeks and drinks 10 out of 14. Hes ruined the last two family trips with drinking too much.

He knows I think he is so different without a drink but he cant not drink he will say im not controlling him. Now his mum is a recovering alcoholic.

He cant be spoken to as any little conversation sends him angry as he feels like im trying to start an argument and I guess unless he sees he has an issue then he wont do anything.

That's it im just so unhappy now, put up with it for so long

OP posts:
Reachedtheend · 27/09/2025 06:56

Given your update about his violence i really think you should seek the support of one of the domestic violence charities OP
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

Newtojak · 27/09/2025 09:15

If he can't or won't admit he has a problem then the harsh truth is that he will not be able to deal with his drinking and you could spend the next 5, 10 or 20 years waiting for him to hit rock bottom and have a crisis that causes him to acknowledge his problem. The trouble is you don't know what that crisis will be (liver cyrosis, killing someone drunk driving, assaulting you or your children?) nor how long to wait. I'd not normally advocate leaving someone in a Mumsnet forum as I don't know your circumstances fully, and I may be slightly triggered by my own experiences as the child of an alcoholic parent but for your own sake and that of your children I would leave . If you are unhappy now imagine another 10 years of this getting worse and the impact thisbis having o your kids

Omgblueskys · 27/09/2025 10:07

Op what do you want to do tho, you know his feelings, now what do you do about it,
What do you want, were do you see yourself in 6 months time ,

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/09/2025 10:12

KaAiLe · 26/09/2025 07:13

Im honestly unsure why im even typing this out as the answer seems to easy but its the hardest thing ive ever went through and im not seeing the light at the end..

Ive been with with my husband over 10 years and its been a rollercoaster and I think at the start I just turned a blind eye to alot of what people were telling me. Anyway we are now two kids later and im drowning. Hes got issues with anger and alcohol but together they are unbearable. Before kids I felt like we had the same plans and likes in life but since having kids I just dont know if we ever did.

Hes plain horrible to me and can also be not nice to our daughter, he ruins every family time away with drinking too much and its hard.

He holds all the cards and in terms of money I work part time, im not named on the house. I did put myself on the housing register in February and I have 230 points but not even sure what that means. He works away so I get a break but im now losing sleep over him coming back. He will go in a mood if he doesnt get sex and accuse me of cheating. Its honestly horrible and I know if I had a house right now id be gone.

I guess im looking for some words of when it will get better and I know when I leave but I dont need to hear that right now. Is anyone going through something similar? My kids are my world and I always keep them safe but my oldest has definitely witnessed things she shouldn't have and I feel so guilty for that.

I have my mum only and she lives a bit away from us so not really suitable for school etc. Im determined to break free but its not as easy as people think

@KaAiLe go to your local women’s aid and explain the abusive life you and the kids are living in. You already have a decent amount of points . They will help you get re homed sooner .
Id also be calling the housing weekly .
Two people with the same points, the housing will allocate the house to the more vocal one.

Women’s aid and the housing have weekly meetings to see who are in need of their property’s .

Id also be telling him if he forces /coerces you into sex again you will be reporting him.
I’ve read you update and you are living in fear that his shouting and throwing things will turn to physical violence on you again

Op women’s aid is the way forward . Being vocal is the way you will get what you and the kids need. Keeping quiet will leave you in fear for so much longer .

Original poster
KaAiLe · 27/09/2025 10:15

@Imbusytodaysorryi wasnt really sure what my points meant but ive spoken to the same lady in housing and shes been lovely she knows my full situation and knows I need to be out of it. Ive been messaging her quite alot and here I am just knowing he will be home Wednesday is concerning me.

Oh I didnt know that about womens aid, I did contact them before but it was like an online thing. Maybe I can try them again

OP posts:
Newtojak · 27/09/2025 19:34

If he can't or won't admit he has a problem then the harsh truth is that he will not be able to deal with his drinking and you could spend the next 5, 10 or 20 years waiting for him to hit rock bottom and have a crisis that causes him to acknowledge his problem. The trouble is you don't know what that crisis will be (liver cyrosis, killing someone drunk driving, assaulting you or your children?) nor how long to wait. I'd not normally advocate leaving someone in a Mumsnet forum as I don't know your circumstances fully, and I may be slightly triggered by my own experiences as the child of an alcoholic parent but for your own sake and that of your children I would leave . If you are unhappy now imagine another 10 years of this getting worse and the impact this is having on your kids

Newtojak · 27/09/2025 20:02

If he can't or won't admit he has a problem then the harsh truth is that he will not be able to deal with his drinking and you could spend the next 5, 10 or 20 years waiting for him to hit rock bottom and have a crisis that causes him to acknowledge his problem. The trouble is you don't know what that crisis will be (liver cyrosis, killing someone drunk driving, assaulting you or your children?) nor how long to wait. I'd not normally advocate leaving someone in a Mumsnet forum as I don't know your circumstances fully, and I may be slightly triggered by my own experiences as the child of an alcoholic parent but for your own sake and that of your children I would leave . If you are unhappy now imagine another 10 years of this getting worse and the impact this is having on your kids

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