Has anyone come back from the brink of divorce?

[Happycherry39]

I’d really like to hear other people’s experiences.

What’s the worst time you’ve ever been through with your partner – the point where you genuinely thought divorce/separation was the only option? Did you make it through, and if you did, how on earth did you manage it?

I’m not looking for sugar-coating, I’d just love to know how people coped when things felt completely broken, and whether there was a turning point that helped you rebuild

Watching with interest as I could have written your post.

Sorry this is happening OP. I don’t have any advice but didn’t want to read and run.
What’s going on? Are you ok?

Thank you, lovely. 💐
DH and I seem to be coming out the other side of our marriage problems. I hadn’t realised I was actually depressed, but since starting antidepressants and really putting the work in, we’re slowly finding our way back to the old “us.” I’m still working on feeling secure in the marriage again — it’s not easy, but I’m trying.

Could have written this too! We have reached the 20 week period and now have it on hold as getting on better xx it’s so tough

First of all I hope you are getting support with your depression. Well done for recognising something was wrong ❤️ you are so brave.

Hows things been now you are both coming through the other side? Are you communicating well? Do you think you will be ok moving forward together? Xx

I realised I just wasn’t myself, and that I’d probably been self-sabotaging the marriage and pushing DH away without meaning to. Now that I’ve got a clearer head, we’re communicating so much better, and I’ve loved feeling close again.

Some things have changed and may never fully go back to how they were, but I honestly appreciate him so much more now. I think I took him for granted for a long time, and that shift in perspective has made a big difference

Don’t be hard on yourself. You can see now what you were doing and are working to fix it. Maybe it was the realisation you needed to appreciate him more?

Not going back to how it was before could be a good thing. You have had a reset and won’t take him for granted again.

How is he in all this?

We just fell out of love, and neither of us wanted to come back. Honestly, I think if you’re at the stage of thinking divorce, life is short, go and be happy.

He was very set on it being over and even moving out. We have children, so I asked him not to go and to give me a few months. Around that time we’d started marriage therapy, and the therapist suggested I also go on my own.

Since then I’ve learnt so much — I give him far more space than I used to, and I handle difficult conversations much better. He genuinely seems happier, and things between us feel like they’ve mostly returned to how they were.

That said, I do feel guilty for not being the nicest of wives over the past 6–7 months, and there’s still a part of me that’s scared he might decide to leave anyway. But I know I can’t control that. All I can really do is enjoy what we have now and hope for the best

How long have you been married? 6-7 months in a marriage is not long at all! You were mentally unwell, you have gotten help, you have attended counselling. You are doing all the right things to make up for a period you weren’t yourself. You should be proud of yourself.

He is still there. He seems happier. I would try have a chat with him, be open, apologise (again, I’m sure you were before) and tell him how much you appreciate him giving you time and support when things were tough. Tell him you are worried he will leave because of how things were. Ask for reassurance.

❤️

We’ve been together 19 years, married for 10. Last week I had a bit of a wobble and asked him if things would get better once I got better. He gave me a big cuddle and said we’re already so much better, which meant the world to me.

He’s also told me he’s not going anywhere, so I don’t think it’s fair of me to keep asking for reassurance when he’s already given it.

To be honest, I don’t have any real reason to believe he would leave now — things between us have got so much better. But the fear is still there, and that’s something I know I need to work through myself.

Great so you have had that conversation and he’s told you he’s not going anywhere.

now is the time to look after, get back to feeling more like yourself. And please don’t beat yourself up anymore than you already have

Honestly I think you’ve got this wrong. Why live with that fear? If it’s in you then it’s there for a reason.

I really disagree with this.
I see so many problems caused by people believing their emotions. There are lots of times that feelings/emotions are caused by our brains desperately wanting a reason for some physical sensation in the body, or a reason for why we feel the way we do beyond "humans are a very complex biological system", and casting around until they find something "plausible".

The whole (well researched and generally widely accepted) field of CBT and related therapy modalities is based on the fact that human thoughts and emotions are a massively unreliable guide, and can "create" narrative.

For example: if I have a slightly sick, quivery feeling in my stomach, my brain tells me it's anxiety, and then goes looking for a reason that I'm anxious. It could settle on something about me, my partner, my job, money worries, almost anything.
In fact, I had coffee this morning and I'm sensitive to caffeine, so it's purely a physiological response. But brains don't work like that, and they are always on high alert for threats, so often times they make up a plausible story to account for the physical or emotional sensations.

That's not to say emotions are never right, but they're just one piece of the puzzle, and we need to look at all the evidence, not just our feelings, in making decisions.

@Happycherry39 and @Memogoat have the right idea IMHO - look after yourself and don't let the sabotaging thoughts take hold.

@Happycherry39 No advice, but I've read all your posts and I wish you nothing but the best for your future. I really hope it works out for you all, it sounds like it will.x