Dating question

[BillyNoMatess]

I’d like to start dating again but a big thing putting me off is I have no friends. I’m worried this will put people off or they will find it weird, like it’s embarrassing how do you even say that to someone? My ex knew I didn’t have any friends and use to tease me about it. I did ask on another group and people told me it wouldn’t put them off at all but I think they were just being nice as I’ve heard it described as a red flag before. Has anyone been in this situation before and does it put people off?

Some people might think it’s odd to not have any friends, others won’t care.

I think the thing that is important is who you are as a person. You’re single, and living your own life in the way that you want to. That is attractive to a potential partner.

Do you go places on your own? Cinema, holidays etc? Could you do something on your own when the person you were dating was doing things on their own/with their friends?

Why do you need to say that in such explicit terms?

It's not like a bloke is going to ask you on a date 'so, how many friends do you have?' and if he did he'd be a weirdo.

Your date should be interested in you, not how popular you are. And millions of people have thousands of online 'friends' but in reality they never see or talk to them.

Well I guess they would find out eventually. It’s not very easy to hide, I didn’t tell my ex but he figured it out quite quickly.

Hoe Did it come about that you have no friends.

Surely if they only like you because you're very popular and sociable then they're not the right person for you anyway?

I used to always have a few close friends but I allowed my first H to isolate me from them. And since then my lifestyle and personality has meant I've not made any close or lasting friendships.

I used to feel really ashamed of not having friends but now I'm older I've embraced the fact I'm a loner.

But OP it really annoys me how people do have a tendency to look at those of us without friendship groups as strange. There's nothing wrong with not having friends, apart from if you are lonely of course.

The way to go OP is if anyone does comment on your lack of friends then don't let them shame you. Present it as a positive choice - that you are confident and self sufficient in your own company. If they are put off by your lack of friends then it says more about them than about you imo.

I have not had friends since school days so never really had any

Thank you, this is a really good way to look at it!

If you're happier alone, then embrace your introversion and remember that if someone shames you for it, that reflects badly on them. You're harming nobody. Nothing to be ashamed of. They should be ashamed of being so unpleasant, and you'd probably be better off without them around. A suitable reaction would be annoyance and expecting an apology.

If you would rather have some sort of company, remember that you don't have to have bosom buddies; you can simply have a few acquaintances that you meet once a week/month, e.g. as part of an art group or litter tidying initiative.

Hey you are me - I have been on line dating since the summer and have 0 friends.
I am paranoid that it just sounds weird! Sorry no practical advice but you’re not alone!

Yeah people definitely find it weird ime. I guess it is unusual so understandable, but glad it’s not just me!

I also have very few friends and have very recently started seeing someone from OLD. I’ve found myself lying to lots of “what did you get up to at the weekend” questions. Saying I met up with friends when I reality I was by myself at home all weekend. Like you, I feel embarrassed about it. I will tell him though when we’ve got to know each other better and he’s started to like me for who I am. I think he won’t care as much then. At the beginning though, relationships are SO fragile and people are put off by much smaller things (like not having friends) so my advice would be to grit your teeth and lie if you have to, until you’re at a stage where you think they wouldn’t care. It’s different for me though, I had lots of friends then I became very mentally unwell and they all eventually got sick of it and ditched me (so probably more of a giant red flag than not having friends since school 🤣) I’m better now but having to start my life over again and I don’t feel able to let my old friends back into my life. It’s too painful and i actually find I’m happier alone and hanging out with my kids.

Yeah that’s what I did with my ex I made out I had friends when I didn’t but when he found out it was quite awkward so I want to be more upfront this time but it is a hard thing to admit

Do you have “Acquaintances” that you would be happy to move into a friendship space

No I don’t a few people I know of who I say hello to but no potential friends

Op do you mind if I Ask - are you autistic? As - I say this with absolutely no judgement but it is unusual to have no friends .

Not having friends - I believe - does NOT say anything negative about you at all - it just means you don't need and seek out friends in the same way many people do. I'm a very sociable person and just chat to everyone, invite them places etc, I bet that you just don't have that need or interest.

I would be a little concerned that you are going into looking for a relationship without understanding yourself really fully

It's really important for you to own and accept who you are - have you ever had counselling? It might be that you can see - oh , great I don't want friends - that's my own decision

my brother is autistic and - he has no close friends - just people he knows, it's something about him he isn't keen on that closeness.

We are all individuals and hve diffedrent interests

I think it's really important you are happy with who you are before you get close emotionally to another person

No I am not autistic.

Why autism??

In all honesty it would make me cautious if someone didn't have any friends. I’d be wondering why.

And we’re all different aren’t we? I know lots of men who have very few friends if any as they get older and it certainly wouldn’t put me off.

Thanks all I am glad to hear it wouldn’t put everyone off, I have spoken to a few people who said it’s more common than people think but I don’t know anyone irl in the same situation hopefully I meet a man that is.