Confusing situation - ex bf

[blendedfamilies101]

My ex boyfriend and I split up a year ago, he wanted a baby and I didn’t. It was a sad breakup as we had been living together for 5 years and he was a great step dad to my daughter, we had a great and happy relationship.

After a few months of grieving the relationship, I started dating a new guy. The new guy lives over an hour away and has work and sport commitments and also has a daughter which he coparents, plus I have my daughter most weeknights, so we tend to only see each other at weekends - we haven’t met each others child yet. Dating him is going well so far, but whether it will progress to a long term relationship I’m not sure, mostly because of the distance.

A few weeks ago my ex boyfriend got in contact to say that he can’t get over me and my daughter, he loves us and has realised that having a baby of his own isn’t important in comparison to being a family with me and daughter (he’s continued to see her since we’ve separated). He wants to get back together.

I feel so torn, on one hand I feel that he made his bed and should lie in it and it’s wrong of him to come back now that I’m happy and have started to move on with my life. On the other hand I feel that if I was to get back together with him it would be best for my daughter as we’d have the contentment and family unit that I’d always wanted for her and us. I’ve got feelings for the new guy and I don’t want to hurt him or even end things with him, but I find myself really confused about what to do for the best.

Not to drip feed - ex boyfriend has dated a bit since we separated, he met a women who wanted the same things that he does, so I don’t think it’s a case of him not being able to meet anyone and using me as a back up option.

Gosh, this is a dilemma - good luck. Does BF2 not want more children?

Gosh, this is a dilemma - good luck. Does BF2 not want more children?

No, he’s had a vasectomy

That is a tricky conundrum. I think you need to sit down with your ex and really get to the bottom of what happened during your time apart that now has him questioning his need to be a biological father. You said he dated and found someone who wanted kids but it didn’t work. Why? Did she break up with him? Did he not feel the spark with her? Etc A year is not long to find someone you are compatible with and wants the same things as you, especially when part of that time would have involved him healing from the end of your relationship.

Does his change of heart come from the fact it wasn’t as easy to find what he wanted as he thought and having you and your daughter was better than nothing or has he genuinely come to the conclusion that he doesn’t need a baby to be happy and your family is all he wants and needs. You don’t want to give the relationship another chance just for resentment to build if he feels he gave up something important to him to be together.

On the other hand it doesn’t sound like your new relationship is likely to become more than it is now with the distance and commitments you both have. Sounds like moving in together and really blending your families is unlikely for a long time. Does this bother you? If not then maybe it’s well suited to your needs. On the other hand if you want more of a commitment then maybe it’s worth seeing if things with your ex can succeed.

There's a very good chance ExBF will still want a child, and you might be in the same situation in a few years. I think give it time. He needs to really be ok with not having his own child with you. I don't think he's using you as a back up option, it sounds like his priorities have changed and he's willing to change his goals to be with you.

If your current relationship doesn't seem to be the type to progress, maybe it is worth giving ExBF a chance. Meet for coffee and talk- be respectful to your current relationship though, especially if you've had a commitment talk.

ExBF has said that he wouldn’t hold any resentment towards me for not having a baby with him, he acknowledges that it would be 100% his decision to turn his back on that.

its such a tricky situation, probably one of the biggest decisions of my life due to the implications on my daughter.

Do I sacrifice my happiness and the excitement that I’m feeling now with the new guy, for future contentment and stability that ExBF is promising.

I’ve been open with new guy about what ex has said.

Surprised you have told the new guy but hey ho it’s done. Maybe new giy’s reaction will decide this now

I told him that ex had been in contact and vaguely what about, I didn’t go into much more detail. He took it well considering

If this man is good for you why would you not give him a child of his own?

Because I’m almost 40, my child is 7, my career is going well, I’m financially secure and quite simply, I don’t want any more children.

A woman doesn’t have to give any man a child.

He kind of is using you as a back up option though, he realised the grass isn’t greener and more convenient to fall back into a ready made relationship than finding someone compatible, he could have decided you were enough before.
However I wouldn’t end with the guy you seeing for him, if it’s going well, just see how things go with him first.

I wouldn’t get back with him. He clearly wants a child, i’d let him go and find someone who wants that too. Maybe the new woman he met wasn’t right but sure he would meet someone else in time.

If you need to ask on the net which guy is best for you, it means neither is.

Your username says it all, doesn't it?

This

This is a tricky one OP. I agree to having a coffee with the ex and hearing him out in person. Then you will be better placed to see if he seems genuine regarding not wanting kids.

All totally pertinent and understandable reasons.
But I think it also means you don't love this man deeply enough because if you would, you would want to give him a child. So I think breaking up was the right and respectful thing do do.
I presume he is not completely over you and is trying to convince himself that he does not want a child. My experience is that this wish is something very strong and even though he might accept not to have a child at first, this will most probably return. Especially since he is a man and consequently has less time constraints. There will always be the risk that he'll meet a younger woman who wants children and offer him the life he dreams about.