DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3. I have two older DC and we have one DC together.
Because I am divorced and had two children, MIL heavily disapproved from the outset and was not subtle with it. DH put me first throughout the first few years and tried to just move forward being honest and firm with MIL. I was actually empathetic towards MIL because she adores her DS, is East Asian where this is culturally not the norm and only wanted the best for him. His dad died when he was 12 and he has one sister. Their style seems to be that MIL, SIL, DH and youngest DD are family. I am his wife and of lower value, two older DC are lowest value. This is was not my DH’s attitude initially and he tried really hard to make things different
Over the last couple of years, MIL has accepted the relationship but continues to be jealous (she seems to want DH to have a more husband than son-like relationship with her) and make up some odd lies about me or spin stories so I am doing very unreasonable things, mainly to SIL. Like that I am pressuring her to move to my city and take care of my child. They have an interesting family dynamic with lots of lies and secrets between the three of them.
Previously, DH wanted to maintain a good relationship with them both but was totally transparent with me about what was going on. He prioritised me but we also made an effort to prioritise his family despite what was going on. An example, I feel so uncomfortable when his mum comes to stay and by 24 hours I’m bouncing off the walls with anxiety and trying to bend over backwards to avoid an argument - so I set a boundary of a one night stay at a time. MIL adores DH and youngest DD and I wouldn’t like to ruin that for them but I’m a person too. At this point I ensure older DC are with their dad during visits so are not impacted.
Recently, I feel like things have shifted. DH has said he feels that maybe he has created some of the problems by being so honest on all fronts and maybe he should have kept more to himself. In terms of MIL visits he most recently was trying to arrange her to come asap and for two nights, I don’t know whether he was getting pressure from her or just feeling some son guilt. He said he feels so guilty that it is a long drive (2 hours) for just one night and seemed to want to arrange her to come asap even though it was a bad time for us. I slept on it and offered two nights but two weeks later when it was a better time. He did not say thank you or acknowledge my boundary being breached. He did after I pointed this out.
Yesterday, he told me he had offered to give his sister money because she has run out and said it was because she was impulsive and had spent all of hers, and that she had given him money in the past. I was quite cross that he had meaningfully offered out large sums old our shared finances without talking to me and said that I’m not sure it’s the sort of reason I agree with. It turns out, the money was for a different reason due to her relationship status but his sister had asked him not to tell anyone.
If I meaningfully offered out family resources, I would tell him. If something was going on between him and my parents, I would prioritise him. If something was going on for my family, I would talk to him about it. I appreciate that every relationship is different and we are all entitled to our privacy but this is the type of relationship we had before. Although, I do respect his sister’s privacy as well so that’s a tricky one.
This seems to be going from a place I didn’t enjoy but felt like we were a team to something entirely different.
Do I have a DH problem, a SIL/MIL problem or am I the problem?