Marriage on Mumsnet: One sock away from divorce?”

[Reasontoreason]

Does anyone else find it slightly alarming how quickly ‘divorce’ seems to become the default solution on here? A husband sighs about being tired or leaves a sock on the floor, and suddenly its papers signed and lawyers called. Is this just me, or who doesn’t see marriage that fragile?"

I dunno, op, from your post it sounds like your man is confusing your thinking

Time to leave him i think xxx

Perhaps the only options are leave or stay as you are, unhappy, angry and frustrated. If the behaviour that is so upsetting to the OP is caused by, and only fixable, by her partner then suggesting therapy or joint counselling is a non-starter. Normally they will already have had several talks/disagreements prior to her posting so what is left?

I would never recommend staying in an unhappy marriage so the only option available is leave. Being angry, unhappy and frustrated can cause physical and mental health to implode.

Yeah, but statistically, given that women initiate the vast majority of divorces these days, the bias is that women don't want to tolerate the same old shit from men anymore.

So either men change and if they can't or won't, they will eventually end up single.

It's cause and effect. The cause (him leaving his clothes all over the floor, expecting her to be his mummy-maid) has the effect (of her eventually no longer loving him because he treats her like this) of her leaving him.

As someone who has just went through a horrible divorce -instigated by me- no one is divorcing their husband over a sock.

I posted under various names regarding my husband and always caveated my posts with “he’s great but….”

He wasn’t great, he was a liar, cheat, emotional abuser, sexual coercive piece of shit. But the straw that broke the camels back was him ignoring my 40th birthday. I posted and explained that I knew if I challenged him on how upset this made me, he’d twist everything so that he was the victim. From that small snippet of information, I remember a poster telling me to forget my birthday problem as it was obvious to her that there were worse things happening in my relationship and to get out of if I could.

She was absolutely right and I’m forever grateful.

Over the years I've made several posts, about my current SO and previous ones.
I can tell you, I've never posted about the actual structural problems in those relationships. Do you know what I've posted about?
My husband being a bit dismissive when I found lice in my daughters hair.
My husband sometimes waking me up at night when he goes to bed later than I do.
My ex and I disagreeing about when the appropriate time is to pump water out of our basement.

All of those times I've posted, there were massive problems in these relationships. The reason I couldn't work out how to handle these minor issues, was because there was so much else going on already. I knew that things were actually quite bad - my previous relationship was abusive - and yet I felt stuck.
Every one of the posters who told me to leave the relationship was right. That was the best advice.

Interesting you say about the ‘he’s great thing’

I’ve noticed on here posters will say that or similar, but then list off a string of awful h
behaviours. Is it to minimise? I have always found it curious.

(I’m long term single, and no experience of abusive relationships).

I mean, if your concern is that someone could be persuaded to leave a marriage over a sock on the floor by strangers on the Internet, then surely the natural progression of that is 'good for the husband, as they shouldn't be with someone who would leave them over a sock because a stranger on the Internet told them too, they deserve better'
Its not about the sock though, is it.

@Girlmom35
All of those times I've posted, there were massive problems in these relationships. The reason I couldn't work out how to handle these minor issues, was because there was so much else going on already. I knew that things were actually quite bad - my previous relationship was abusive - and yet I felt stuck.
Every one of the posters who told me to leave the relationship was right. That was the best advice.

It is great to ask a poster to reflect on what else they are not saying, and on whether the apparently small issues they are describing could be symptoms of something else. I wish my own mum had had someone inviting her to ask herself these questions.

It is not great to assume that everything someone complains about must always necessarily be a sign of something else, far more insidious and serious.

The difference between asking and assuming is the difference between i) exploring various possibilities logically and with an open mind and ii) mere prejudice.

Having knocked around on here for years, I don’t find the mumsnet vibe to have a “divorce him default”. Each post is fact-specific and there are just as many calls for suggesting counselling for distressed couples to try and salvage matters (where it appears appropriate) as there are for calling time on the relationship. I do agree with other comments though that lots of posters on the relationships board are often at the end of their tether and simply need some moral support for ending things which is why it is seen a lot but in that scenario it is the right advice! The OP’s post (and I am sceptical of it being a journalist) is massively over generalising.

^^This.

If you have been asking someone every day for ten years to pick up their dirty socks (for example), and they still won’t, the problem is one person’s entitlement, lack of respect and inability to ever compromise in relation to their partner’s wishes. It’s not the individual sock.