Being NC with parents and moving forward

[TaraMySalata]

My DH has been NC with his mum for about five years now. He’s always had a difficult relationship with her and the rest of his very dysfunctional, fractured family. He has maintained an extremely low contact relationship with his Dad (MIL and FIL are divorced).

I know that DH will be devastated when they die which, in the case of FIL, looks to be sooner rather than later. And I understand a lot of that will be tied up in grief at the parents / family he wanted but never got. But a lot will be guilt that he didn’t resolve things because, well, was it really all that bad? (I’m not diminishing his feelings, but I do know that will be something which he will face)

I think he would really benefit from counselling before they pop off. To help him understand why he feels the way he does and to give himself permission to feel his feelings, I guess. And to prepare himself for what I am sure will be a really rough ride. But I just don’t know how to help him. I don’t know what to look for in a therapist and I don’t know how to persuade him to engage with it. We also have two teenage daughters who did have a relationship with their nana before DH went NC and who I think are likely to also carry some anger towards DH for blocking their relationship.

Any advice?

You don’t persuade people into counselling. Has he actually asked for your help or have you just decided he needs it?

It’s not that I have decided he needs it at all. I just know that he will feel awful when the time comes. It wouldn’t occur to him to consider therapy for himself, which is why I would like to suggest it to him, and help him find whatever is the right support.

But maybe he doesn’t need it? How would I know? How would he know? How do people come to the conclusion that therapy would be beneficial?

Have you spoken with him about it? I would have a chat with him and air your worries and give him a chance to think about it - the choice to go to therapy is his ultimately but there's nothing wrong with you having a conversation about it.

This - very good advice. I had an ex with PTSD - severely so from hot conflict in Afghanistan. Every time it flared up I would mention, in a very gentle way (and he wasn't violent or anything, just horrible nightmares and anxiety in enclosed spaces or large crowds) that maybe his quality of life might be better if he thought about speaking to a professional. He then decided to leave the army and again I said: "Well these flare ups are as a result of your work in the army, so before you leave maybe think about what professional help they could provide - if you want it - before you leave, because it will be free and they will work with people who see these issues day in and day out."

He went for it in the end, but it was a process of conversation.

I’m in the same boat as your DH been no contact with my parents for last 18 months. They are 75 and 77. Will be devastated when they die. Not sure what to do tbh