Cheating partner

[MissieM00]

Where to begin?ive 4 children aged between 1-17 was with now ex partner nearly 20 years. Found out earlier this year he’d been having an affair with work colleague, he said it was over so we’ve carried on as normal but it’s all blown up and in turn found out this whole year it’s been going on. She was fully aware we were together. He’s lied and manipulated me. Start of the week I asked him to leave packed all his stuff and he’s moved straight in with her at her parents home. She’s 13 years younger than him. And the siblings are similar ages to my eldest child. I’m disgusted and disappointed that he’s not only done this to me but to our children. I don’t know what I expect from posting this but at this moment in time I’m not feeling strong at all.

Hope you are doing OK, its a rough rough road. Do you have much support in friends or family?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know it probably doesn't feel like it now but it sounds like you're better off without him, he's a liar and a cheat. His silly young girlfriend will find this out in time.

I hope you've got real life support to lean on, from family and friends. Concentrate on looking after yourself and your children and take it a day at a time. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you will get there 💐

it's often useful in difficult situations to force yourself to look a bit further forward.

try to fix a positive picture in your mind of where you want to be in 2 years time.
logistically, emotionally, and in terms of your (and your childrens') relationship with your STBEx.

this will hopefully help you not get bogged down in this immediate morass of complications and negative feelings.

you can think of every obstacle overcome, every decision made as a step on the road to that picture of the future you!

Who owns the house/are you financially independent?

Focus on how peaceful and happy your life will be, rid of lying ex boyfriend.

Ensure if he won't be parenting his kids at least 50% of the time, that he will be paying maintenance for them, through CMS.

IMO men are honestly pathetic 🙄, they seem to jump from one lily pad to another without a second thought. You have the best hand here as he has gone and you and your kids can start a new chapter. Don't give the OW a second thought, she got your leftovers only because you forced the issue and he had no where to go, how special must she feel (not).
You kids will be upset but they have a strong capable Mum and over time I guarantee they will see what a weak person he is. Don't try to analyse, he did it because he could, don't let him come crawling back , stay strong. 💕

Thanks for the replies. It’s the him having the kids over the weekend that’s bothering me he’s suggesting him either come here and have them here or stay over night. But I don’t want him here but feel I should else my children will suffer. And I certainly don’t want him taking the to his new girlfriends house!

Who owns the property? If he owns it, or co-owns it, he cannot be kicked out.

It’s rented

Let him see the kids outside of the home on the weekend. Let him feel the full consequences of his actions - he is no longer welcome in the family home. The kids will not be suffering because of this, it’s down to his poor and disloyal choices. Let him take them for dinner and occupy them, he needs to wince. The reality of what he’s done will hit soon, not exactly life’s dream to be living with the parents and sibling of his affair partner ? The excitement will wear off. But don’t have him back if he begs or pleads or cries ( they all do the latter). You very kindly gave him his chance and he fucked it up. Sorry this is happening to you, feel very angry for you right now!

He is a dickhead. I wouldn’t let him back to yours for the weekend. My DH and I are currently separated and he comes here to see the kids and it is extremely hard. I am sooo resentful that I have to clean up after he leaves. I walk of eggshells as I feel like he is judging everything I do and the cleanliness of the house etc. We broke up because we grew apart. Your DH has literally lied, betrayed you and dropped a bomb in your life. It isn’t fair for him to expect to want to come home and act like happy families. The point is he actively did stuff to destroy his family so he had time to think about this.

I know that you are worried about him taking them to her house but I would be very shocked if she and her family allowed it. Plus it will be putting her in a place where he is expecting her to take care of his kids. He is playing you so that you will problem solve for him and sacrifice yourself for him (again).

He can either do a day outing or take them to a hotel, his mums whatever. Him to sort out. Plus you aren’t denying him access to the kids. Just setting a boundary that he isn’t going to get the benefits of the hone you maintain.

Check out the chump lady website too. Apparently that helps women who have been through this.

Also remember that the shame is all his. You are not the person who did the wrong thing. You are maintaining a stable home for your children.

@MissieM00 I am so sorry you're going through this, this was me at the end of last year. It's not easy and im still dealing with the consequences of my ex's choices and the impact on my dd but as other posters have said there is no shame on your part.

1. Set boundaries, if he continues to use your home to see the kids, how will you ever move forward, and I am not talking about another partner I just mean creating a new normal without him being there.
2. Remain consistent as I am sure you will, the children will respond to it, even if they dont show it initially sometimes it will be little random comments and it will knock you back as they actually see it.
3. Now is the time to really think what you want on life, how do you see the future for you and your kids, as an example after my abusive ex left I wanted to ensure my dd saw me happy and our home a place of love where we could be ourselves without being judged, where it was positive and ok to say what you felt, this is the home we now have after 10 months, it's blissful.
4. His life choices will make you laugh at points, honestly I swear they get more pathetic as time goes on, I never say anything in front of dd and also my family and friends are the same but I have laughed more at him than I have been angry at him. Hold on to those pathetic times because they are priceless and will help get through the bad times.
5. Sort the tenancy out as soon as you can, I am local authority so still working on mine but my housing officer knows the situation and is fully behind me should anything happen and he appears...he won't but it's nice to know.

Work out your support system plenty will come out of the cracks during the hard times at the start for the gossip, but those you hold dear will be there for you and make the most of the support you have. Also plan things for when the children are with your ex, I hated staying in the house on my own, sometimes I would just have a Costa and walk around the range to be out, it's also nice going for food on your own, a bit strange at first but when you realise a meal out costs penny's in comparison to the kids too it's a nice little treat 😂dont worry I do still take dd i just feel less guilty at spending when it's just me.

Take your time to heal yourself first, always here if you want to private message or on the thread.

Thank you I really appreciate it 😊

thank you all for your support. Part of me wants to just call and ask him to come back but I know deep down I need to move on from him. He’s not the person I fell in love with, it’s as if he’s a totally different man.

The last few weeks he’s treated me appallingly. I’m angry with my self for allowing it all. He was saying things like she’s waiting for me, and how much in love she was with him. And then continued to tell me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. Or that he was only around for the children. Things I know he’s said about me to other people and how he’s painted me out to be are untrue and unforgivable.

I do have some support around, everyone’s in disbelief with him as it’s so out of character. But I feel unless you’ve been through it you can’t really understand it.

He has done the dirty on you, let him sort where he sees the children, not your concern. As long as the children are happy to see him let them have a fab time - just not under your roof. He should have thought of these sort of situations before playing away. I have been where you are, it does get easier with time