My husband works away a lot and. Has done for many many years.
We - my husband, I, our daughters were doing fine and coping fine, although my husband had always displayed an aversion to much communication through the day with me or unless on his own terms. Never did I ever feel included in his “other world” and he never wanted to talk about it. I always wanted to talk about my work life with him, he was not interested in engaging. But I was mostly ok and I will be honest and say I absolutely thought he was happy, I was supporting his work, our family life etc
i won’t go into all the facets as to why life has changed but it has…
I lost my connection with my husband in 2018.
He shut the door on our conversation of anything that mattered to me before that, but let me know by his actions that I was not and would never be good enough for him to share my problems with from then by starting to communicate with others in a way I believe he never had and has chose to never do with me.
My husband who never talked to me, started talking, not to me, to his sister who was going through a separation and then divorce. And has continued on with her and family when times are hard. I’m not included obviously.
I come from a family where support would be for the couple so don’t know what to do with that. I know what I do with that, I think - he doesn’t want to be with me, she doesn’t want him to be with me, - why else would they be so decisive?
Obviously I am supportive of my husband reaching out to his sister at this time (I say this as if everyone knows us, but mean it wholeheartedly) but do find it all strange where we have to ended up….
What I am not supportive of is a man who claims he loves me to be communicating and checking in with others ahead of me and my children. And also then lying about it.. I have evidence of this by the way to those who think I must talking out my sad… first days at school.. checking in with his sister and her kids… no contact with us and our kids
there was a large period of time in our marriage before this when he spent a lot of time berating people who constantly checked in with their spouses etc I feel stupid not noticing
i have tried to do the checking in.. it is quite clear I am not that person that he wants, and definitely not the person he needs. I really do wish in that period he had spent a bit more time thinking about what I and the children might need instead of listening to people who were not even talking to me then. I find it very difficult to think how disconnected he was. I have to say honestly I was not in a good place but I am owning that - other things at play that I am not bringing up here. However not so much so that he was at home !
It would be nice to feel you are worth being checked in on.
I know I am not wrong about this. Clearly I am not the person my husband should be with. He has never shared this side of himself with me. He does not want to have a conversation with me.
I try to have one and he butts in. Or he backs off. And he lies. He gets offended about this, but he is lying?!
How do I let him know how difficult this is? I do not know how many times we have talked about this. His lies get in the way, he will never acknowledge them.
And there is no part of me saying I am innocent or easy. I just want my husband. He isn’t there but pretends to be there. Like he has done, sometimes better than others; since 2018.
When you are really struggling and your man asks you about it - and you decide ok, I will start to tell you about work… and then he starts smirking and laughing at you.
When you are running out the door late, and it’s one of those days he is still in the house and he asks about something at work and you start talking about it although you do not have the time but why did you? He asks a question that’s irrelevant and cuts across your words anyway, because that’s what you are an irrelevance unless you are able to give him what he wants (his sister).
i love this man - let me be clear, he is a fantastic man and father but he is someone who cannot be straight talking. Family trait I fear. I do fear he is being talked into the ‘ he is better than me ‘ scenario by people who don’t understand our commitment. I don’t think he believes this, I don’t believe this, but there is division that he doesn’t see or chooses not to acknowledge and it’s frightening, and for a family to make division between a man and wife who have been together for so long just blows my mind.
What will be will be, I think I have mostly given up, if he wants to not talk to me, if he wants to lie, I don’t want to be with him
You will come back and say ask him, confront him.
I imagine you will also say , if that’s all it is why all this fuss?
He just lies says it’s not true. I know it is true, I’m not making this up. So many times with the lies! And still perpetuates it.
As for the fuss? This is us. If it’s not right, it’s not right. If he’s looking elsewhere, it’s his sister now and I don’t give him what he needs.
I’ve been saying for years things aren’t right. I want them to be right. I have no way to make them right when I’m being lied to.i see myself being this little small mousy woman with no face who has endured a life of unimportance - who gives a damn about her really. No one who knows her really does.
where do I go? I love him. This is torture.