I(19f) left my gf (19f) who is suicidal

[rubily089]

I(19f) left my gf (19f) who is suicidal

today, i left the house that I live in with my gf. its been 1.5 years since ive known her and I love her to death. im not sure if I'll go back. my mind went into flight mode and I couldn't stop myself anymore. I just left. she has bad bpd, depression, ptsd etc and has recently been highly suicidal, violent and self/other people harming. I legit don't know how to explain my situation rn. I just hope someone will get it. I hope I'm not an awful person.

I myself have trauma that I have not yet healed from as it's very fresh, I come from a household with DV and I ran away from home when I was 17. I have developed a lot of boundaries and aversion with violence, yelling, manipulative behavior and anything that reminds me of the life I lived for 17 years. my gf has broken every single boundary, not on purpose, but because of her mental illness. and the past week she has been extremely violent, she punches the wall, throws shit (I got accidentally hit yesterday and she profusely apologised.), tells people she wants to slit their throat, hits everything, kicks stuff, etc. she does this to relieve her anger and sometimes to hurt herself. she has been cutting herself while I am sleeping next to her. I have lived in a state of being deathly worried for her, scared to shits of her, and anxious to try and fix her problems so she doesn't have to do all of this. I dont really know exactly what is the issue, and I'm not sure if it makes me a bad person to give up, but I feel like I have betrayed myself so many times in the past few months that I don't feel like I am even living. everyday I feel like I ignore my needs about a 100 times and I have been completely okay with it, but I think it has caught up on me.

I really don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what to do. she is the only one I have, I have committed to her, I don't want to leave her, I want to marry her, I don't wanna marry anyone else, I wish we could just be happy, I wish she could make me happy, I wish she took care of me, I wish she made me feel loved, I wish she didn't make me feel scared of her, I wish she didn't remind me of bad things. I just wanna be with her. I really wanna be with her. I am not able to anymore. I just miss her so badly. I just can't do it anymore. I wish she was here. I wish she would take care of me.

she does everything because of her illness, when she is okay, she doesn't hurt me. she's not a bad person. she apologises everyday for hurting me, and tells me that she will try and get better. why do I feel like giving up on her when this is the case? please. is there any hope to this? I don't wanna leave her forever but I am just not safe with her right now, I know that. but I miss her so much. I love taking care of her, I just can't handle her when she is angry and wants to hurt. help me.

Sending love to you. This is too much for you to handle.
You've done the right thing leaving

You are not a therapy pet. It doesn’t matter why she behaves the way she does. It’s abusive and you owe it to yourself to not be in an abusive relationship. Frankly, it sounds like she’s too ill to be in a relationship right now anyway. You are not responsible for her mental wellbeing, nor her actions.

you’ve done the right thing, stay away.

You have left an abusive relationship.
It is the right thing to do.
You cannot fix her or change this. She has to want to and clearly needs a lot of help and time to do so.
Focus on yourself and healing you and finding a future.

You've done the right thing. It sounds like she either has an untreatable personality dosprder or she uses her mental illness and personality disorders as a way to exploit and abuse others. She should be in some sort of supervised care.

You want to marry someone who threatens to slit people’s throats.

Darling girl, until you understand how truly and completely dysfunctional this is, you need to swerve all intimate relationships, including and especially this one.

Your ‘normal’ is so far from healthy, and so trauma-impacted, that there is no chance at all of a healthy partnership. Get lots and lots of therapy, make friends who are healthy, find your own space and interests, work at whatever it is that heals you (education, paid employment, art, volunteering, dancing, whatever) and make a new normal.

All the very best.

You have listened to your inner voice and done the right thing for you. That's a huge thing. It's not easy and you will feel sad and angry and all the emotions flaring up from your earlier life as well. But stay strong, be kind to yourself....you are going in the right direction. 💐

This. It's not your job to fix her, she needs professional help.

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and you have wisely removed yourself from it. You're probably feeling guilt about not being there to support her anymore but you shouldn't. It sounds like she needs professional help and it's impossible for you to support her on your own, as it would be impossible for anyone. I think you need to contact someone and tell them about your concerns about her self harm and threatening suicide and that you are scared of her.
There are many crisis lines that you can contact to point you in the right direction or text SHOUT to 85258 and they can advise you. Or message her family or someone you know and hand over the responsibility of doing this to them.
I know you love her but when a relationship does not make you happy you need to walk away, sometimes love is not enough.
You deserve to be loved and cherished too. This relationship is very one sided and abusive and maybe because you have a warped idea of what a relationship should look like because of your past you have accepted it.
For now I hope you are in a safe place, try to look after yourself now and take some time to heal from this experience which sounds traumatic.

You’ve moved from one abusive relationship to another abusive relationship. Please spend some time living independently to work through your own trauma. You must not allow someone to mistreat you. Do not stay.

thank you. it is very painful. I really wanted her to be the one. but i understand. this is really helpful.

thank you so much. I dont know how I will do it. Its so painful and I really imagined my life with her and she was my safe space at some point. thank u for replying.

it is so painful to accept that you are completely correct. thank you.

Please please please get a long course of therapy for yourself. You need to help yourself first and foremost, or you will continue to move from one abuser to another, throughout your life. What happened to you with this person, and your upbringing is not your fault. However it is your responsibility to seek help and learn to understand your behaviours and where they come from so that you can have a positive life and relationships in the future. (This is especially essential if you ever choose to have children as they will be directly impacted and their lives shaped by your psychological awareness, or lack thereof).

If you can’t get a referral from your GP, and if you can’t afford private therapy then Google low-cost therapy in your area, and you’ll find some.

good luck x

You've done absolutely the right thing. It will never get better, and she is not your responsibility, you are. Please get therapy for yourself - your family issues make you vulnerable to getting into similar situations and being in abusive relationships. You will need to work consciously to avoid falling into this trap again.

This is so hard on you.

I agree with others, you have done the hardest thing by leaving and the best thing for you. She needs professional support, you are not an emotional punching bag. Ignoring your own needs over a sustained period will cause you to have a downward spiral and that is not ok. A healthy relationship relies on respectful communication. I really do feel for her with her mental health conditions, however, it is not an excuse to knowingly behave in this way.

You cannot fix her. She has to want to heal herself. You are not a bad person, it is advocating for yourself and giving you space to heal. You are not giving up, please know we cannot fix anyone else no matter how much we want to, that has to come from within ourselves. Please look after yourself and practice self-care.

You love the relationship you wish you had, not the one you've got.

I don't think it sounds like either of you are in a place for a relationship right now.

It sounds like she needs to be involved with a crisis team.

And it sounds like you need time, space and therapy to recover from your own trauma, without taking on someone else's.

She will drag you both down. Take it from someone who knows. Time to save yourself x

Oh my goodness, you have had a really difficult journey yourself and your gf is really unwell and you can’t be the one to try and fix her - she’s too unwell, the cost to you is too great, and you can’t fix her because only she can address her difficulties with the right mental health support, which will be a long and tricky journey -

you have absolutely done the right thing
painful as it, please don’t doubt yourself
work on looking after you after everything you have been through

she has BPD so she will find relationships really difficult and she is likely to not respond well to you leaving - but that does not mean that you should not leave -

you have left, you have now taken that difficult first step - it’s gonna be tough. But things will get better for you x

OP it really doesn't matter why she does what she does. It still hurts, it still damages you're mental health and puts you in danger.

You sound like very empathetic person but remember that you need to look after yourself first. What would you say to your best friend if he was in that situation? Would you want to see him suffer?
You're doing a right thing by leaving, as hard as it is it will be best for both of you in a long run.
Your girlfriend needs professional help and she shouldn't be in a relationship right now either.

You were attracted to this person precisely because of your traumatic past. She will have been attracted to you for similar reasons of her own.

You need some time alone to examine why you picked such a person to be with, given your history, and how to avoid it in the future.

Best of luck to both of you, you're both young with plenty of time to sort yourselves out. You'll be grand.

So many wise voices on this thread my dear, I hope you can see that they come from experience and knowledge of where you’re coming from and what you’ve been through.

you’ve absolutely done the right thing by getting out. This isn’t the one for you, this is the relationship that would END you.

we all know what it’s like to want to be loved, to be in a relationship, but this isn’t it for you. You need better and deserve better.

absolutely get therapy, it will really help you in the long run, whatever you do, don’t go back. Please.

sending you all the love in the world, all the best of luck and remember we’re always here to keep you on the straight and narrow 😊