Any advice please don’t be negative I’m already down 🙁

[arch2024]

Question and advice not judgement.
I have been friends with a man for 20 years and only ever friends. The last couple of years we would have nights out but end up sleeping in the same bed. the end of last year we ended up sleeping together and have on and off since . His wife has been having an affair and he found out in Feb . I love being with him but I know I need to walk away & say to him when it’s all sorted , he is in a better place and the divorce is final corne and find me . If it’s meant to be it won’t pass me by . It’s not healthy for anyone and it’s no basis to start a new relationship. No one is perfect before you judge , it’s a head and heart 🙁

Yes, you need to take your own advice and walk away.

I would worry

a) that his wife hasn't been having an affair, that this is just his excuse to you
or
b) his wife has been having an affair and you are the 'get even' woman, ie, that he's using you.

You’re correct, you need to walk away. He may be telling you the truth re his situation, he may not. That’s not negative it’s just a fact.

If he is, then as you say he needs to get it sorted. You need space away to get your own head clear too.

I’m sorry you feel low - as above, sounds like you know the answer. Can you draw a line and plan some things to look forward to so you don’t just dwell. The time for the relationship might come but you know it’s not right now.

His wife has been having an affair and he found out in Feb

Seriously?

Do you know how many men use the lie 'My wife had an affair' as justification for having one themselves?

I wonder if she has any idea she's supposed to have had one 🙄

So he was sleeping with you even before he found out that his wife was having an affair? And before that he was sharing a bed with you, even while married?

You are weak but he is scum and that is what you need to realise. The last time a married man made a play for me I ripped him a new one. Men like this I think deep down don’t like women they just use them. Have the courage to be what you always could be, better than him and walk away.

Walk away.

So he was having an affair even before he discovered his wife was? Why would you want to be used by someone like this?

So has he said he is leaving his wife because of her affair, and because he loves you and wants to be with you?

It's been six months since he found out, he knows by now what he wants to do. If you don't walk away he will just keep having his cake and eating it, it's the easy option for him

Or his wife found out he's been sleeping with you and kicked him out? Either way, you already know he's a cheater regardless of what his wife has been doing - if you continue to have a relationship with him, more fool you 🙄

Regardless of what his wife is doing - and you only have his word for that unless you know her well and she confides in you (which I doubt if you are secretly sleeping with her husband) - he cheats on his wife. He’s not a prince is he? He’s deceitful, he lies and he is selfish. Do you want that for yourself? Definitely walk away for the moment at least but I wouldn’t even consider him in the future because he thinks nothing of betraying his partner. Whoever they are. Get rid and make space for someone much better. Also have a bit of think about your moral compass because surely this isn’t who you want to be in life?

The last couple of years we would have nights out but end up sleeping in the same bed.
Really OP?!! You thought that was acceptable behaviour? I wonder what his wife felt about that...

Bring back jezza

Messes like this don’t work out.
Walk away and stop being used.

Yep, you need to walk away.
Be aware that if you say the "once youre all sorted, come find me", he may come find you before anything is sorted.
Yes, you shouldn't have done what you've done, but you need to make sure he doesnt just worm his way back in for convenience

Surely he would have used his wife's affair as his excuse to leave? Its clear he doesn't want to.

Not really understanding the timeline but...

Why are you upset, isn't this what you wanted, the truth out in the open and your lover to be by your side.

I honestly don't know what the problem is, from your end anyway.

You'll know in your heart of heart's
You've been played.
Walk away.

Wait so your sleeping with a guy who sleeps with his wife who sleeps with another guy who could be sleeping with anyone.. just sounds like a germ fest!

He’s played you love.

They all say that.

Walk away.

So they haven’t actually separated yet still? then it’s probably not happening.

So you’ve been sleeping with him since the end of last year knowing he was married after crossing serious boundaries with him for a couple of years, he’s now (allegedly) found out that his wife has been cheating but he’s still with her and you’re still hanging on for the crumbs he throws you.

But you claim it’s heart head stuff and no one is perfect.

Sorry but I am judging.

You are having an affair with a married man yet your morals have now kicked in now that she is also having an affair possibly to get back at him for sleeping with you while married. Hilarious. Stay with him. Cheating pair of shites deserve each other.

If you're officially single, there are options open to you that don't include this particular bed-hopping chain. Do you know why this has felt semi-acceptable to you until now? Becoming aware of that might help you find a psychologically and physically healthier situation.