Trauma Bond : She went back

[kaystrauma]

TRAUMA BOND: I AM CONFUSED
Maybe someone who has gone through it can help me understand what's really going on and how they healed.

I have an ex of 10 years, and we ended up back together after being becoming single.The ex cheated on her multiple times until she reached a breaking point.

What’s been so baffling is her ongoing obsession with him. She gets triggered anytime she sees him on social media or drunk and immediately unblocks him to try and make contact. She and her friends/family knows , agree, this guy took and contributed nothing to her, but she still creates fake social media accounts to try and get him to meet up by guilt-tripping him by reminding him of what he did , "you used me and still cheated on me under my roof"

I've seen it firsthand. a few times once she gets drunk, she's called/texted him and tried to get him to meet her or talk about the whole BS they went through. He has her blocked also, but she finds a ways to make contact via other platforms.

I just don't get what it is about him that makes her keep begging or feeling the need to see him. She has tried to convince me it's a "trauma bond," but I can't wrap my head around it.

For context, this guy:Cheated multiple times/ on the dole and lived under her roof/ all his money went to weed and other drugs which caused him mild ED(sex cant have been beyond mediocre, i overheard her talking to a friend)/ slept all day or gamed whilst she worked/ physically a bit out of shape. I am Absolutely the opposite of this and I think i would describe myself as well to do(own house, car/business owner/don't smoke or do drugs/work out 4 days/wk)

I escaped this cycle/her but I am just trying to learn for myself. She is going to therapy so she says and I do not believe a word that she has finally blocked him for good.

Has anyone else experienced this? what was your experience/How did you finally break free from a trauma bond?

Did you not update a thread about this earlier.

I can't make head not tail of your OP.

Who is the "she"? Your current girlfriend?

now ex.

If she's your ex girlfriend, why do you care what she does?

Sounds like you need to break free from a trauma bond, OP

Well she sounds like someone that can’t be helped and far too dramatic for you to deal with so I’d leave well alone and let her crack on. Trauma bond or not there is a point people need to take responsibility for their own actions and you can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make them drink and all.

If she’s your ex then it’s nothing to with you and if you are still interested enough to post about it then aren’t you doing just what she did in terms of being unusually interested in an ex? Just draw a line and move on.

You're making your own self trauma bonded and connected in a way tho which can't be healthy?

Ex wife,

As said, I am trying to learn about this whole Trauma Bond thing, just from people that have gone through it to make sense of it.

There is intricate details that i left out as I do not want to make a 100k word post i.e we share kids . I have another post not focused on this issue(as someone pointed out)

I hope not, this is all fresh in my head I guess but historically I have been okay and do move on well.

I am just trying to understand this whole trauma bond thing, I never heard of it and I am shocked to see what people go through(with abusers etc)

Stop asking why your ex did x, y, and z and start asking yourself why you invested so much of your time in someone who clearly was obsessed with their ex.

You cannot change (or even necessarily understand) someone else's behaviour, only your own.

I think the whole trauma bond thing is bullshit to be honest. Some people are just gluttons for punishment. It's hard to find sympathy for someone who's been treated like shit and goes back for more. You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves.

Mate she’s your ex. It’s not your problem. Let her do her thing and focus on yourself.

good luck.

100% , def not my problem and glad it didnt take years for me to realise this.

Spot on, I said this over and over and she would wheel me in by sex/emotional BS and tears.

I guess it was me all along that had to do the work for my sake and let he ride out into the sunset

I pray you never get caught up in a trauma bond. They are very real and very damaging. I hope that you get the empathy you give to others should you ever be unlucky enough to become a victim.

Trauma bonds are a result of continuous abuse within a relationship. They are toxic and difficult to leave. The intermittent reinforcement that happens within these relationships creates an addiction cycle which traps the victim by making them dependent on their abuser for emotional regulation. The neural pathways of their brains are basically rewired so that leaving causes unbearable withdrawal and the only way to relieve and regulate their nervous system is to return to their abuser. This is why they go back and why it is so difficult to leave, often professional help is needed to break free. Usually people who end up in trauma bonds have had adverse childhood events and are vulnerable people to begin with. They often know they should leave but are so mentally and physically worn down already that getting the energy and bravery to leave feels impossible. This quite often leads to mental health problems which makes it even more difficult and leads to feelings of hopelessness. They should be treated with understanding and kindness, rather than judged for not being able to leave or going back. Hope this explanation helps.

She needs to make him see her worth. Except he doesn’t and never will.

Her sense of self worth and self esteem is so low and weak that someone else’s view of her will rattle it. It matters more to her what someone else thinks of her than what she thinks of herself. She needs validation from other people.

At the same time, her self worth is not quite low enough for her to accept her ex’s poor view of her so she fights to get this ex to recognise her value. She doesn’t see it was never and never will be about her.