I don’t seem to want to have sex with my DH

[C0NFUSEDIAM]

Been together 25 years. I’m 50, he is 53.
He has always wanted sex to make him feel loved. I am feeling bad because I don’t want to have sex with him.
We have had one hell of a year with a teen who has been very ill in hospital and deaths in the family etc. also DH lost his job.
I really felt like I was very low and struggling with life. I’ve recently started HRT though it hasn’t done anything and issues probably relate to our difficult life rather than hormones.
And so, I still have a sex drive and masturbate regularly but the thought of sex with him is really unappealing.

He has not even tried sex as I’ve been so stressed but the other night he asked if we could and I said I didn’t want to, because I didn’t.

How can I rekindle this? I feel bad because he’s a good man.

Would you consider marriage counselling? Sounds tough for both of you

Maybe you are masturbating too much.
Try a nice night out or away alone together

Do you have the ick because he's not working?

Well all of these responses are correct I think. Yes we should probably go away for a weekend or even just out for dinner.
yes him losing the job did give me the ick a bit.
can you masturbate too much?
we did have counselling before years ago and it helped.

If you were a bloke posting about wanking but not wanting to have sex with your wife, you would be getting absolutely slaughtered.

Poor guy loses his job (after presumably having one all relationship) and it gives you the ick, thats very harsh.

Sounds like both of you have had a shit year. Are you able to muster much empathy for him, considering how it's affecting you, too?
Maybe it would be a good time to sit down and talk about how you are both feeling, and how it's affecting you both?

Most will deny this but it usually is an ick

Imagine a woman loses her job and your husband has an ick.

Life is funny isn't it. Is it forever ? Hope you too make it back on track .

I firmly believe you should never have sex if you don't want to (none of that disgusting "lying back to please your husband") HOWEVER sometimes when I've been busy/overwhelmed and don't feel like it I'm open to trying and most of the time as soon as we start foreplay I get turned on because he is loving and attentive. So because of those experiences I respond to his advances 99% of the time because I know I'll end up enjoying it and feeling closer to him after. The less sex we have the less I want it but, like you, masturbate regularly as I find it a comfort.

I think the nice dinner/date ideas are good but tbh I find that can put pressure on having sex after and I don't relax. I much prefer a nice night in together, reconnecting and relaxing. Or a weekend lie in with coffee in bed. I think you should address some of the stress (can't take stressors away but you can have some me time to reduce the effect they have on you) and let your husband know you're willing to try and have sex. We had a dry spell before and I literally said to him one Saturday morning in bed "we can try to have sex but take it slow" and we ended up having an amazing time. He knew I was apprehensive after the dry spell so if it didn't end up happening for us he understood why. I think if you srill have a sex drive you'll be like me and really enjoy reconnecting that way.

Things can recover after a dry spell, so don't give up.

take time with him away from devices if you can and try to remember the things that made you first fancy him when you got together.

Ok thanks for the advice. Hadn’t really considered that wanking was frowned upon.
I will try and see what happens then, hopefully I will get into it. Just not convinced I will be and end up feeling even more resentful.
Appreciate I may be a bit unkind forgetting he has lost his job and feeling down. I can’t help how it made me feel about him, I realise that’s shallow.

You sound lovely.

I think he would be better off without you TBH.

Show him this thread and let him decide if he still wants to be with you once he knows your true feelings about him. Only then can you see if there's any future.

Otherwise you'll just be in the same situation again when something else happens that "gives you the ick".

the general mumsnet consenus is:

Man wanking = Bad
Woman wanking = Good

You sound pretty despondent OP. Unsurprisingly!
Admitting your feelings is the only way of getting help with them, and of dealing with them yourself. Denying them is just a form of avoidance and will solve no problems. I hope that touch of sarcasm is a sign that you realise that not everyone is going to say something helpful. We can all only speak from our own experience.

"The ick" sounds stupid but it's just another way to say that you're being put off by something. If you're used to your partner appearing capable, charming and smart, and that's what mainly turns you on, then him appearing miserable and less capable is clearly going to put you off to some extent, even if you know in your mind that he's great. Getting the ick, being put off, is a mild form of repulsion or loss of respect, and you might be able to get rid of that feeling if you can reconnect to your empathy for him.

Any time I have gone off sex with someone I have never got that feeling back.

Don't underestimate the effect of low mood (or is it depression?) on your love life, either. Masturbating is not the same, as you are simply making yourself feel briefly good, 100% on your own terms. Sex is more complicated. It could be that a combination of hormonal changes and depression is making you feel the way you do now, and that your husband losing his job would not have been such a big deal if it wasn't for those other factors.

Why do you say that you feel resentful?

Not much communication apparent here. You knocked him back and he is bound to be upset. How about talking through calmly what your feelings with him?

OP - you had a difficult year, and just started HRT.
In addition - you are in a long marriage, and maintaining sexual interest in your partner of so many years is of course, not always easy. Hence - it's much easier to masturbate and get your fix this way.

Have a look at a book called "Mating in Captivity" - maybe it'll give you some ideas on how to try to re-ignite your sex life.

So no - wanking is not something that is frown upon, if it is not interfering with your sex life. In you case - it seems that it does, especially given that the circumstances have also aligned such as to affect it.
It doesn't sound like you are generally unhappy with your H - seems more like life became hard and sex was the casualty.

I'm more inclined to think it's menopause related - my libido was off the scale in my 40's, now completely and sadly disappeared in my 50's, despite hrt. I'm still hoping it will return but it's very hard when the thought of sex (with anyone!) is about as appealing as giving the kitchen floor a good scrub...