Ex partner antics

[alexis97]

Hi everyone,

If you’ve followed my story my soon to be ex husband had an affair with a lovely lady from work who knew he was married and had kids, and left me for his affair partner. the relationship crumbled and now she is nowhere to be seen as she smelt the coffee.

Now she is nowhere to be seen and nobody in his job wants him. He’s back sniffing..

He rang begging for me back and I told him to go and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. He “realised what he had and wanted his family”

I work in the nursery that our children attend so he will collect them from nursery. All of my colleagues have noticed during this time he looks through the room window I work in for me on pick up, drop off and will make excuses to bring spare clothes in on odd occasions and do the same again.

Whenever he comes to the nursery I always hide away so he can’t see me, my work are aware of this situation. He was asking my colleagues yesterday if I still worked at the nursery because a “few people told him I’ve left” which isn’t the case. I messaged him on the talking parents app we have asking him why. He said “I know it’s not my business but I was just curious” I messaged him back and said “why are you curious about my life?” I didn’t get a reply but he read it.

I’ve had incidents where he’s been caught looking through my windows on collecting the kids on my ring doorbell camera.

He made me out to be the worst wife in the world and then all of a sudden wanted me back because he realised what he wanted? He dragged my name through he mud. It really really affected me.

All of a sudden he wants to be dad of the year too after leaving me to struggle for years doing everything for both kids, night feeds, buying clothes, all things they needed while he spent all this time at work leaving me to it, making excuses to do overtime. I feel really angry it’s took him till now to do this. I feel like he’s trying to improve his image. It really upsets me.

What is his game? I can’t quite understand why he’s going on like this.

Stay strong and firm.

You know why he's doing this. He's trying to wheedle his way back.

He had every chance to value you and see your worth and he pissed it away- and I'll tell you now he will have zero respect for you if you take him back, you can expect him to resume cheating as soon as he thinks he's got his feet back under your table.

If the OW was still interested in him, you wouldn't see him for dust except to rub in your face how much happier he is with her.

You have a wonderful future ahead of you. Don't let him fuck it up for you.

Whilst I get why natural curiosity is to find out why OP the reality is its not going to give you peace. He's either trying to worm his way back because his number fell through or he's trying to manipulate.

Either way it doesn't matter grey rock communicate about children only and don't rise to it.

It doesn’t matter what his game is. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about him. His behaviour is pathetic. Stay strong.

His mam also before all of this stuck up for his affair, how could I sit round a table with them all for dinner when she knew everything? I’d never trust any of them again.

I set up home 10 weeks ago with absolutely nothing, he was in debt and couldn’t get credit so I had no choice but to leave everything so I knew my children had a safe place to go with their needs met at his home… I had no furniture or nothing I had to build myself up again for me and my babies, I’m back at university doing my post graduate degree in my dream job and my anxiety and mental health have really improved. He controlled my finances, what I did. I had to go back to work when my littlest was 12 weeks old to try dig us out of the debt. All he’s ever done is mess around. I was a fantastic wife to him I’m not just saying that. He had the world at his feet. Wanted for nothing.

He rubbed it in my face when it was happening and when he left, thought it was brilliant and that he was so much better off. He blamed his mental health for what he did - after blaming me for being the reason why he did it in the beginning.

I’ve blocked him on all social media platforms and phone apps. He can only contact me and call me via an app that transfers messages to PDF and transcribes and records calls. I pay £30 a month for this but massively gives piece of mind so that he doesn’t have access on knowing what’s going on in my life and has no choice but to just communicate about the kids.

Well done. He's a pathetic idiot and you are worth 100 of him.

Wow op so brave you just keep going, the divvy thinks he can step back in and take his place, but op your doing better then OK without him,
Be proud op, 👏

Well done for your strength, such a good example for your children and so good for your wellbeing.
I personally think his behaviour is out of order and if it continues, particularly with his history, I think you need to either contact a solicitor to send him a cease and desist type letter or police.
He is harassing you both at work and home which isn't acceptable.

Just ignore it and grey rock him. What he actually wants is someone to provide meals on demand, sex on demand and home comforts on demand while he's looking around for his new bestest, loveliest, most perfect woman to make his life as perfect as it should be. Obviously this is all in his head and actually bears no resemblance to reality - bless him 😂
Well done OP and don't be fooled by his declarations. Be a decent role model for your kids and show them what decency looks like.

He fucked around and got dumped. Now he wants a soft landing spot without doing any work. That would be you and your family and home that wasn't good enough for him before. If you take him back, he'll get comfortable and then cheat again.

He's spying on you and giving stalker vibes. You've been really smart with communicating with him through your parenting app only and blocking him elsewhere. You might have to contact a lawyer to see what can be done about his spying and peeping and showing up at your workplace to try to get contact. Right now, he thinks he can weasel his way back into a comfy setup until he meets another woman. He might turn really, really nasty when he realizes that's not happening.

Well done for everything you've achieved since he left. You have more strength and courage than you ever imagined.

Your kids are blessed to have such a lovely, caring and reliable mum.

Keep showing up for the kids and live your best life without him in it.

Doesn't it make you furious that he really, seriously thinks that he can walk back into your lives, having made yours hell? That you are so desperate for him that you'd let him have an affair and then come back, not because he realised it was a mistake, but because his affair partner wouldn't have him?

Use that anger. Cut him absolutely dead and don't give him the satisfaction of any kind of a response. He only wants to know where you are because he's afraid that you're having a much better time than he is (which, hopefully, you are!)

100% this - don't entertain any questions from him about anything that doesn't directly involve the children. Hold on to your anger or else translate it into laughter - because it is laughable that he thinks he has even a sliver of a hope in hell of getting back together with you. He is deluded and clutching at straws - neither of which are a compliment to you, but instead show him up for how weak he is. Remember how you first felt when he betrayed you and he left? Good, use that emotion to plough on through his latest behaviour and remind yourself how much better off you are without him. You have created space to meet someone, in time, who will not betray you, who will reciprocate your love and care, and who will make you feel like the most amazing woman alive. You are doing fantastically well - keep looking forward and never back. He's your past, he is not your future.

I asked him why he was asking questions about me to coworkers for a paper trail for if this goes to court and the police for stalking. He and his family think they’re invincible. I’ve seen their behaviour when it comes to court cases with children. It was his brother last time. They put the women in their lives to rough hell and cheat then mammy comes to save the day when it all comes crashing down.

With this information I’ve managed to stay 10 steps ahead always. I have no contact with any of them.

I won’t let any of them win or tear me down. It stresses me sometimes. It’s been 6 months now. I really just want to be left alone. He never ever deserved me.

‘I messaged him back and said “why are you curious about my life?” I didn’t get a reply but he read it.’

OP, you’re doing brilliantly. Don’t ask him questions like this. It opens the door to conversations and makes you vulnerable. You don’t care why he’s curious about your life. You are only interested in conversations about the kids.

I did it to get proof of him doing these things as he’s been following me round work and looking through my windows on collection of the kids. If it gets worse I can prove he’s stalking me by asking coworkers questions about me and digging on information on my life. Not that I’m interested about why he’s doing it. Just trying to stay 10 steps ahead :)

Here is the kicker OP, he is sniffing out for you because he is unable to grasp his reality. It has probably hit him that him tarnishing you did very little for him in terms of justifying his affair, you were awful, no sex, controlling, whatever he told people to justify him rolling over OW.
He may well use all the old tactics that use to work before on you, over and over again, until he realises that nothing is working on you, so prepare yourself for the angry ex. Where he will lash out at you, how unreasonable you are for not taking him back, after all he is the father of the year, and he loves you. How could you be so cruel etc.

So, sit aside with your popcorn as this will be a ride and a half.

It has zero to do with love, but all to do with him, what he feels entitled to, and cant get. How dare you make things difficult for him. And no he is not coming back because he loves you, he is coming back due to comforts, and is tired of having to do life solo, as he probably thought the OW was going to be reasonable too, and the fairytale he expected didnt happen, darn it. Now he is having to rebuild and he is bored, not for him, so you are his focus now, as he thinks he knows what to do to win you back.

Police straight away

I'm in the US so it's a bit different here, but him asking your coworkers about your whereabouts and looking through windows and wandering around looking for you would be considered red flags for stalker and possibly dangerous intent even with him being a parent. Daycares have become really stringent about security here. He should be picking up only. Checking up on an ex who is an employee, red flag. Do you have cameras that have caught this at your workplace?

See what your local police say about possible stalking by your ex and what you can legally do besides nothing this with your lawyer. Dot those Is, cross those Ts, and document, document, document. You might have enough for a cease and desist letter. It sends him the message that you're not his cozy landing spot and he needs to stop stalking.

Well done.
He is doing narcacistic hoovering

You're the mother of his children, of course he's curious about what's going on in their lives. Obviously him wanting to get back together jeans he also has.a vested interest. Play him at his own game instead of hiding away. He bothers you while you're working, give him the cold shoulder and tell him you're busy. Or get your supervisors to tell him that. If you catch him looking through your windows invite him in to look around.

I'm not sure it's fair to criticise him for working hard during your marriage. Presumably your household benefitted from the financial rewards of him doing overtime etc? It's not like he was off down the pub every night, or the gym or some other hobby (not that you've mentioned anyway). Clearly the affair was a major fuck up and good reason for separating/divorce. Clearly he can see that now and he knows he was a twat. Stick to your guns and don't give him any more nore chances of you don't want to. But you still need to coparent amicably with him, at least until your kids are all adults (it rarely ends there either). So try not to let him irritate you, don't waste our energy thinking about what his game is, just grey rock and focus on your own life.

The household didn’t see any of the money because he spent it on himself and his car and paying off the debts he got himself in with silly decisions, he’d take overtime to also avoid his home responsibilities and act the jack the lad at work and spend time with his affair partner.

Suzy Lamplugh trust and Paladin can give you advice on the stalking if you need it.

Stay strong girl, you’re free now!! You’ve got this!!