Long distant relationship and sex

[Ksby777]

I have been with DP for 5 years. We don't live together. I've recently moved so we see each other less regularly- once every 2-4 weeks. Everytime he visits we seem to spend the entire time having sex. It isn't forced and he makes a point to ensure I enjoy it too, but I've realised that the main reason I comply is because I crave to be close to him. Some of his visits are really short, so we rarely get a chance to go for a meal or just go shopping or even for a walk. It's starting to make me feel cheap and dirty and when I've tried to speak to him about him he's sort of dismissed it as me being unreasonable and not recognising how lovely our time is together.

I saw someone like this. Eventually realised he wasn’t interested in me as a person. It all fizzled out during Covid, however he’s in touch at the moment ( comes and goes) and asked the other day if he could come round . Knocked it on its head.

Don’t waste your time !

Were you with him for long? We were a little better when we lived closer and saw each other more regularly. But the focus of our relationship now seems to be sex.

Does he give you his time / support virtually when you are apart? What else does he bring to the relationship (apart from a erection and a few orgasms once a month)?

I was in a fairly distance relationship where we only saw each other every weekend or EOW depending on other factors.
Yes there was a lot of sex when we were together but we also went out for dinner, drinks, music events etc so it was more than just shag and go.

Yes he does. I don't know if there's something wrong with me. But even when he's being supportive in between visits it just feels like a build up to him visiting and "receiving" lots of sex. The last visit he was here for about 24 hours and all we did was have sex. I kept suggesting going out for a coffee or lunch and even cooking for us but didn't happen.

So he’s basically using you as free sex and doesn’t even have to pay for a coffee to get it? Make sure next time you tell him that you are going out for lunch/dinner and he is treating you!! If all he wants to do is have sex well you know why he’s visiting you and what he actually thinks of you. He most likely has a proper girlfriend where he lives

Yes, long enough to realise I’d been taken for a fool. Handy for a shag and that’s it . Never again , you live and learn !

The fact you used the word 'comply' in your first post is very telling! Listen carefully to what your body is telling you and don't have sex that you don't want to have, it'll leave you feeling like shit.

It sounds like it's becoming a bit transactional, he's giving you time/ support/ girlfriend status.... in exchange for sex and now you've noticed that, you want him to show you that you matter as a person, not just a bed partner.

One way to find out, next time he's due to come over tell him you have a heavy period / just had a smear / coil/ uti so you don't fancy sex but would still love to see him.

So be proactive and make plans together for what you want to do when he's visiting (out for a meal, cinema, gig, museum, gallery, anything). Do it in advance. If he doesn't want to do anything like that together then you know where you stand. There'll probably still be time to fit in sex around going out somewhere together, just not endless marathons of it.

If you're in a long-term relationship why did you move away?

I was in a LDR and the first couple of days were sex several times a day.. and sometimes night. But then it settled down.

Are you both quite young? Might explain his sex drive. Mind you I'm no spring chicken and have a very high sex drive, I was recently in a sexless relationship due to him having a porn addiction, so I have to say I do slightly envy you. Sorry if that doesn't help!!

Good advice