Why does DH stop being helpful when I’m poorly?

[Flipitnreverseit]

I’m a little baffled by this one.

DH, usually pretty good at household chores. He does all of the clothes washing pretty much, always has that’s just sort of routine now.
He gets up everyday and he loads/unloads the dishwasher and tidies the kids toys up from the lounge, hoovers before he goes to work. Can’t fault him.

Except for the fact that the second I get poorly, and I mean really poorly not just a cold, but no energy, high pain, sofa slump poorly.. he just stops? The house just gathers mess.. I’ve been really unwell this week and haven’t been able to do anything but cry and sip water. He’s been pretty emotionally supportive.. but he’s just stopped doing the little tidying up bits he usually does let alone anything else?

Ok, maybe I’m expecting too much of him to maybe pick up share of the chores too.. although I was so poorly I was unable to do anything of my normal daily tasks; so as my husband and for the sake of our children I do sort of expect him to pick up some of the slack because why do the kids want to live around mess?

Anyway, he just doesn’t do it.. and I’ve been too out of it to really want to question him. Until now when my medicine started working I feel a bit better, still sore and nauseous but I’m able to get up and do things.. so I’ve come home from my first day back at work since being ill and I’ve got to work cleaning the house. I’ve done pretty much the whole thing by myself in maybe 30 minutes downstairs. I did decide to bring it up because right in the middle of me cleaning DH started trying to cook his dinner in the middle of open packet, spills and food remnants on the counter and stove, plastic bags from the previous two days shop runs he did.. it was absolutely grim. So I said stop, let me clean up first and then cook on a clean surface I don’t want my food being prepared on top of all this mess. Which opened up the conversation of why hasn’t he done it.. he claims he’s still ‘done stuff’ and that he ‘hasn’t had time’ - which is a punch to the gut because this man plays 4 hours of PlayStation every evening once the kids have gone to bed. I don’t want shitty excuses, I just want to know why it stop specifically when I’m ill.. like why do I deserve to have mess left around me when I’m ill 🤣

someone please explain why he does it because he is perfectly capable of tidying up any other time.. and does so without even having to be asked😂

He thinks you won’t notice when you’re ill so he doesn’t have to bother, presumably.

OK j got to the 4 hours of gaming and... need to tell you he is lazy and lacks empathy. Is he not very intelligent? Does he work FT? I couldn't live in a dirty mess.
Set some boundaries and rules... he isswalking all over you...

He does work full time yeah. I get that gaming is his little escape after a full days work.. but 4 hours and claiming you haven’t had time to tidy the living room or kitchen just makes me so mad at him.

he does lack empathy, he even had that conversation a few times now and he does try.. but he’s so incredibly introverted that he is extremely hard to read sometimes.

Yes, DH is the same - sometimes. The last thing you need when you're out of action is for the other person to drop the ball. On several occasions when I've been well enough to come downstairs to get something and I see the utter tip in the house I swear the rage I get sets me back another day in bed. I must say he is able to step up as he has done so from time to time. So he's not incapable. I think it's demonstrating that he can't cope without me so I carry on with stuff when I'm well. Annoying.

Because in his mind you're not doing anything so why should he?

I don’t know but my normally great at doing his share around the house and occasionally even more just stops when I am sick. He claims he is overwhelmed. I don’t ask him to take care of me unless I am truly desperate and even then I try to keep it to the absolute minimum.

He really just needs to prioritize child related tasks while I am incapacitated. I think that is the problem. He can do the dishes. He can sit and pay the bills. He does anything with a simple set of instructions. Helping with homework or doing the less defined tasks he doesn’t handle as well. Something like pack lunches, and hearing I don’t know what to pack, look in the kitchen and figure it out just makes him look like a deer in headlights.

I had an ex like this: everything he did was transactional and weighed up against what I did. If I couldn't do anything, then he had the 'right' not to do anything either. Twat. I also remember my dad getting all huffy if my mum was ill.

This... exactly this! My ExH to an absolute tee! Wanker!

Jesus, I’ve never heard of this personality trait before but obviously it must exist! Can’t say I love it tbh…

The transactional chores sounds eerily close to home actually.. he often hits me with a ‘do you think if I do X you can do Y?’ And funnily enough it’s usually.. when I’ve just sat down 😂

I might not come back to this thread now.. I’m scared I might start picking up more traits I don’t like about him and I’ll start getting put off 😂😂

My ex-partner would have allowed me to become a skeleton in my bed if it was left to him to nourish me when I was poorly. He paid no attention to me at all but carried on with his own agenda. “I did check on you but you were asleep.” Life came to a standstill. Nothing left on the bedside cabinet for when I woke up, no nice cool water or juice to ease my throat.

I remember one evening finally crawling downstairs to the living room begging for something to eat. I was really ill exacerbated by hunger weakness. He was a capable cook but got really angry that he was expected to make a light supper. Egg on toast or similar was all I needed.

I nursed him faithfully through a couple of unconnected surgeries but his empathy and ill health support for me was minimal or absent.

It’s a very odd trait with some men. “Mummy” has taken to her bed do they regress. Unfathomable!

My theory is it's a survival technique. It's like they know if they don't do all the shit that needs doing, you'll be out of bed quicker and back to normal which is crucial to their survival and the survival of any children. It's so so odd and I've heard of it many times.
My own DH becomes weird when I'm ill. He's very caring and keeps on top of stuff (not everything) but there a weird air about it, I can never put my finger on it.

There's so much to unpack here. Where to start?

Yes to the transactional relationship. Your partner for some reason hasn't developed a nurturing side. Care is only given when it's also provided. He's probably learned that he won't get away with doing nothing when you've been running around and working hard. But he will only invest in the relationship what's been put in on the other side.

Also, did you know that statistically men are 6 times more likely to leave their spouse when they become seriously ill than the other way around? Only 3% of women leave, when over 20% of men leave their sick or dying spouse. Of the men who do stay, many don't take up the role as carer. They leave this to the wife's mother, sisters, children or hire professional care.
Which basically just confirms that men are far less nurturing than women are, and are only willing to stick around when they are on the receiving end of the benefits of marriage.

Also, there's a theory called the Drama Triangle. It's a bit too complex to explain here, but it basically states that people can be triggered when they are asked/expected to care for someone who is in a weaker position than themselves. Their reaction can go either towards total over-the-top caring for the other while neglecting their own needs, or towards total rejection of the caring role while focussing only on their own needs.
Whether people are triggered by someone needing care, usually has something to do with childhood patterns. Meaning they haven't learned to maintain a healthy balance between caring for others and caring for themselves, so they end up in extremes.

Its this. A type of competitiveness. Its unpleasant.

He's got the hump because the domestic appliance has malfunctioned.