Dealing with a Narc feel helpless

[Popie123]

Hi

I am 99 percent sure the guy I have been with for the last year is a narc, I know that term is used a lot these days but I am pretty sure that is what he is

I have been in some bad rships in my life (im 33) but I have never experienced emotional abuse on this scale and I know it has only been a year and we have no kids etc but I feel so shit and helpless in this situation and cannot believe I've got myself here

I can't talk to my friends IRL about this as they all hate him which has resulted in me continuing to see him without them knowing

When I spend time with him he is very affectionate , more so than any man I've been with, he helps me with things , he cooks, he's attentive we've been away together and we regularly go on dates, however on the phone he is a different person and if I do not agree with him about the slightest thing even not related to me and him all hell breaks loose and he will verbally abuse me tell me he is done with me forever and never speaking to me again , threaten me and say the most awful things

In the last year he has, called me a slag numerous times, accused me of sleeping with other men, threatened to (but never has) physically harm me ,told me I will be single forever, told me I will always be lonely, claims to know people who have slept with me ( he doesn't ) , said I have no friends ( this is not true ) , called me a bitch , called me dumb , if I do not answer his calls even late at night when I am asleep I am accused the next day of being with a man

he will twist words I have said and make his own version of events up, he has contacted my friend to try and humiliate me , he cannot handle a single bit of criticism even constructive and not to do with the relationship , everything has to be his way even down to him not liking certain products I use such as make up/ hair products and he will get annoyed if I disagree and want to continue using them

He calls me toxic constantly when it is clear as day he is the toxic one

we have had another argument today based on a disagreement about something very minor which has resulted in him telling me he is done with me and that he never wants to talk to me again and verbally abusing me something horrific and also threatening me

After abuse I try to go no contact and he will then message me in 2/3 days along the lines of 'I'm sorry but you made me do it' and that is usually how we get back in touch.. he says he only messages me to say sorry as he's not like that as person and that his messages are never to rekindle things ..he has never said one genuine apology in the whole entire relationship

it should be reason enough to be done with him but I feel stuck in this cycle and I am just wondering if anyone's been through similar and how they got out of it ?

Also to add another thing that makes me feel he is a narc is after the abuse and saying the most horrific things he will post on social media videos or pictures of himself acting like he's in the best of moods or putting up inspirational quotes after having me crying down the phone to him .. I no longer have him on social media and haven't for a long time because of this as it would trigger me

if he’s said today that he’s done - tell him you are too, then block and delete him on all platforms, total no contact. Ever.
Is he a narc? Who cares - he’s a nasty piece of work and he’s seriously bad for you. Get out, stay away, it might well be worth staying with friends for a short while so that not only do you have someone supportive around you, but you don’t have the risk of him coming round. You can only get out of this in one piece by having nothing at all to do with him. Do it now. All of it. In fact maybe go round to a friends and message him from there, then block completely, and have a big drink to celebrate.

You know what to do - you tell him you're done and you block him so he can't contact you. If he comes to your house, you don't answer the door. You know you can do all this yet you choose not to. The only person who can change things is you - you can choose to not put up with his shit any more. Whether he is a narc is neither here not there - it doesn't matter why he behaves the way he does. What matters is that you can choose whether or not to put up with it.

Honestly you need to go cold turkey....

Break your routine - can ypu go to your parents or book a solo holiday for a fortnight? (A Health retreat or fitness camp like no 1 fitness would be ideal)

Tell him you are finished and he is not to contact you. Any contact will be considered harassment and you'll treat it accordingly (ie..report it tp police) then block him on everything and delete all his details.
If he comes to your house do not open the door, dont speak to him through the door unless its to say you'll be phoning the police.

Then try to never see him again. Dont go to the pubs he goes to, dont go to his local supermarket etc etc.

You are 33. I had some seriously shit relationships when younger one woth an especially terrifying guy who was head of showbiz and ent at sun newspaper (this should have neen the tip off he was deranged!!!) I escaped...

I'm now 40 with a nice life/home/ husband and 2 delightful kids.

Dont pour your life down the drain.

He's a piece of shit.

@Bittenonce , @AlorsTimeForWine and @Endofyear have all written good advice here. Get rid of him, and make sure he knows that any more contact from him will be treated as harassment. No wonder your friends can't stand him. Good luck.

Honestly, you should stop wasting energy trying to make sense of what or who he is and why he does these things.
There's plenty of time for that after you've left him and are recovering from what he's been putting you through.

The only place your energy should be invested in, is leaving. That's is. Nothing else.
If leaving feels like a big step, then write down what the first 3 small steps could be towards leaving as the end goal. They could be for example:

• Tell your friends you're still seeing him and as for their support
• Start therapy to help you break this cycle
• Tell your family what he's been doing to you
• Untie yourself from him financially, practically, ... in any way you possibly can
• Make a plan of action. How are you going to break up with him? Do you send him a text, or do it in person? If in person, who needs to be there with you? What will you say? How will you put boundaries in place? Where does this need to happen to be safe? Who will be with you the first few nights afterwards? Where do you need to block him to limit his access to you? ...

Start working through these steps one by one.
Before you know it, you'll be done with him.

And in addition to the great advice you’ve already been given enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. Ideally this should be done in person although it can be done online.

Get therapy for yourself to disentangle the crap you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

And ask yourself why you still chose to see this man given his abuse of you along with the fact that none of your friends can stand him?. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by him. He will destroy you from the inside out if you maintain a relationship of any sort with him.

He actually sounds dangerous. Be careful when you break up with him, as he doesn't sound like he is mentally well.

Thanks for all of your replies

he actually blocked me everywhere shortly after I posted this, I guess it doesn't feel good that it seems he's been the one to walk away from me after all he has done but I should take it as a blessing

i have now blocked him on all platforms and now is where the hard work starts as I admit I am trauma bonded to this man

we don't have any financial ties or any ties at all tbh.. he does however live very close and I mean very and there is a high chance of us bumping in to each other.

my family aren't aware of what's been going on as I live in a different city to them.. they know I have been seeing someone but I am very private with that type of stuff and tbh deep down I knew he was never good enough to introduce to them and I'm glad I didn't .. I could not bring myself to tell my parents how he's treated me as it would break their hearts

I have barely slept in all honesty and the abusive stuff he has said to me has been on repeat in my head all night and morning

I don't think he will turn up here, although would be very easy for him to as so close and I live alone but I think he has to much of an ego for that

in the whole year I've only managed to go 6 days no contact with him breaking it first on day 3 ( pathetic I know) so I am not sure what to expect from him as this goes on longer

Leave him

In addition to all of the above I have recently found out he has ballifs after him for untold amount of unpaid fines

he is totally different from me he smokes so much weed I didn't realise how much at first as he played it down.. I have a professional job , my own place , he still lives at his dads house , he does work but goes as and when he pleases the other week he did not go in for the when week because 'he couldn't be bothered ' I already lowered my standards so much for him as he seemed a nice person so I am kicking myself

@Popie123 unfortunately, you’re right - now is the toughest time, there isn’t a quick fix or easy answer. I found that I needed to keep reminding myself that I’d become dependent on someone who basically wasn’t a good person- trying to reconcile that with how you felt, can be difficult when it can feel like you remember the good bits most easily. It’ll take a while. I also found it hardest when I was alone or not busy - so try to fill your time and be with good people. Can you take time off and get away on a break, visit family? Or even just plan weekends away…. But whatever you do, keep busy, keep people around you.

@Bittenonce I can't take any time off work at the moment unfortunately but I am considering going to stay with my family at the weekend but I just don't want to tell any of them about this situation

i find it hard that just a few days ago he was this 'lovely' person in my house showing me love and affection and in a matter of days he's calling me a slag, he also threatened to spit at me if he sees me all because I had my own opinion on a topic of conversation we were having not even related to our Rship!

He's never blocked me and although it's good he has the trauma bonded side of me is thinking well that's it he is done when I should have been done ages ago!

i am strong in all other aspects of my life I'd never let friends or family treat me like this, I hold down a professional corporate job yet behind close doors this is the person I am dealing with

@Popie123 you don’t need to tell the family - or anyone for that matter. I found it difficult to - too embarrassed sometimes. But they knew I was hurting and they were there, that’s what mattered.

Trust me on this...

Change up your routine...
Go see family at the weekend - you can just say work was rough and you need new scenery.

in the week....
Go to the gym after work and take a long shower. Get home and go straight to sleep.
Meet up with friends mid week.
Get off a tube stop early and walk home.
Go do some late night shopping... whatever it is.
Stay. Busy. Change your routine

Do not drink alcohol for the next month or so it wont help...

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

Separately get some counselling.

These men are lunatics. Put it down to experience dust yourself down and move on and do not engage with him ever again.

Make sure you block him back on absolutely everything. You absolutely have the power here. You deserve so much better than his nonsense and abuse.

thank you for your kind messages

I have realised that every time I go back to this situation the abuse gets worse , the things he says become more disturbing and I feel even worse when no contact starts

I have told him what he is doing is emotional abuse and he said if that's the case then I am even worse and I am an evil bitch and a female narc

I have blocked him back everywhere he has no means to contact me he doesn't know my email address

He drives around for his job so it is very easy for him to be on the phone, he would call me multiple times a day even though he knew I had working meetings etc he did not care, I was scared to not answer his calls as I'd be accused of stuff

it is hard going from all that contact to zero at all

Unfortunately I don't feel I do have the power I feel like I have absolutely none

Firstly I’d say that I completely understand - when you’ve been used to sharing everything and constant contact, it is like a drug you’ve got to withdraw from. So use friends and family as your ‘methodone’ so you can keep up that sharing and contact - safely. Remember you can’t recover from being bitten by a snake by only letting the snake back in occasionally.
Second - you’re actually doing pretty well and have more power than most: You’ve been able to share, you’re highly self-aware in terms of what’s going on on your head, what you need and why. Try to remember that he’ll probably also be going through withdrawal but without your self awareness, control, empathy. He’ll be the erratic junkie who’ll say or do anything for a fix, so he’s dangerous to be around.
Keep reaching out any time you need to, you’re not on your own.

treat him like he is radioactive candy. If you see him turn around and go the other way. If he contacts you: hang up the phone ir delete without reading. Imagine that he can harm you silently and from a distance. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

He's just one man.

A man that isn't even treating you nicely.

You're not tied together, you don't even live together.

You're afraid of being alone and without him but why?

He doesn't actually bring you much to your life but pain and stress. Why do you like someone so much when it is clear he hates women? He seems to actively hate you.

His sorry isn't even real as he blames you for his behaviour.

Get yourself a ring doorbell or a cheaper alternative and never answer the door to him.

Block on everything you can and shut down your social media for a while so he cannot get to you.

Any emails just block and delete.

Don't make any more excuses to yourself as to why you're still in touch with him.

He shouldn't get to be in your life anymore he never earned his place to be there.

I strongly advise that you sign up for the freedom programme. And read why does he do that, search free pdf.

Do you generally find you are a people pleaser? I used to be until I put strong boundaries in. Find out what made you a people pleaser in life and lock down those boundaries.

You can do this there is a strong woman under it all. And without him there, you can finally breathe again.

Remove him and you can finally move forward.

@Bittenonce thanks it just doesn't feel like I am in control, he will push and push untill I explode and then he remains the calm one now he's turned it around like I'm in the wrong for finally lashing out and blocked me like he's the victim - I know this is reactive abuse and I know he is very good at it

i live in a large block with good security measures and my intercom has a camera so a ring door bell isn't really needed he can't actually access my front door I highly doubt he would turn up in all honesty but he does have good reason to be in my area regularly but I can't say as it's outing

@Personperson yes I am a people pleaser in most aspects of my life tbh.. but I can also be assertive and stand my ground but I do have problems with boundaries mainly in intimate relationships

i have opened up to this person about some of the most vulnerable times of my life and he has used every single thing I have told him against me without fail during an argument , he remembers everything even from very early on like he has been storing it to use as ammunition against me

he makes things up that have never happened, he says he's spoken to people about me and that I may aswell admit that I've cheated on him as he already knows ( I've never spoken to a single man let alone touched one since before we was even officially together )

he messaged my cousin ( only person who knows about this) during his last discard of me and told her to make sure she tells me to never contact him again as it's over.. only to contact me himself less than a week later

I tried the freedom programme online before and I couldn't get on with it , I am considering therapy now

Look at doing The Freedom Programme again. There is a lot here about who he is, what he does, how he behaves, and to be honest it's not the point. What is going to get you out if this situation is you, not him. Appreciate that you are not powerless here. You might not be in control of his behaviour, but you are in control of your own.

I try to go no contact and he will then message me in 2/3 days along the lines of 'I'm sorry but you made me do it' and that is usually how we get back in touch.. he says he only messages me to say sorry.

You haven not gone no contact. You have had a "try" to go no contact for two days and then reply to him, and you slide back down the snake because nothing has changed. In order for your situation to change you need to make some changes. Start with actually going no contact. You need to tell him you don't want any further contact from him, and then block him, mean it, and stick to it. You are in control of this. Then, yes, seek some professional help.

he will push and push untill I explode

Remove yourself, he can't push against you if you are not there.

@Popie123
How's it going?

Hang in there!