Broken hearted by ex-DW - Moving on.

[18kman]

How to move on and heal a broken heart?
Me(40), Ex-DW(35)

I broke up with ex-DW 5 years ago, we share 3 kids (under10)
During this break up, she made very bad decisions whilst I made all the rights ones after a very bad divorce.

Me after divorce: Bought a house in an affluent area, advanced in my career, started a new successful business during COVID and its striving. I am would say, I am confident/middle class life/ work out frequently/ provider/ I def do get a good amount of attention

Her after divorce: Moved in a jobless couch-surfer, low level drug-dealer just 7wks after meeting him , developed a drug habit worth 400/month(almost equal to the CM i gave her) supplied by him and an alcohol habit on top of it all. Supported him as he contributed 0 whilst cheating on her a min of 3 times.

Cut to 6 months ago, I was single now and she finally dumped the guy, she had a mental breakdown after that which i think he contributed to, lost her house/ her job and herself. For the sake of the kids , never having stopped caring about her as a co-parent, I took her in and I have helped her in all ways to get back on her feet(she now works a bit/ looks after herself again etc).
Naturally, during this time being around each other we decided to give us another go(worst mistake of my life).

Alcoholic/Obsession: Drug habit gone, Drink habit increased. Anytime she has been drunk, she has found ways to contact the ex-bf(she has been blocked dozens of times in all ways), He was clear, he does not want to see her again(he has a gf/still homeless so what the obsession is, I do not know). She has harassed this guy many many times by calling/texting/social media msgs to just get his attention when i have been right next to her oblivious most times. Once sober, she would cry for days, apologising, promising to do this and that to fix her drinking issues and even begged me to lock her in the house when she gets drunk(hell no), stupidly I would accept the crocodile tears and a a few weeks , it repeats(I would say atleast 6 times in the last 4 months)
I cook/clean/still pay CM whilst they all live with me 90% of the time/treat her like my wife almost in all ways and what do I get in return? low stelf-asteem, gaslighting , arguments, guilt-tripped into sympathy when I try to move-on without her.

Heartbreak: A few nights ago - I got home, no dinner for the kids, she was busy on her phone than usual and I soon found out as she left her phone unlocked, She had finally convinced the ex-bf to meet her that very night(bed time routine/homework/washing kids did not matter to her clearly). I instantly told her to leave right that second, Kids were present and my youngest is very smart, she made sense of what occurred as she repeated it to me and has cried since about her mother's behaviour including the drinking they have witnessed for a year+.

I have taken custody of my kids, I explained why I will not release them to her in writing(she called kids day after , belligerent, drunk, stumbling her words etc.) , I have all evidence that proves my concerns around her being fit to look after them full time( i won't go into details but herself/ sister/mother/best friend all stopped harassing me to release them to her when I showed them thus I know I have a chance in court here)

I am heartbroken, confident to move on without a care about what happens to her, I did feel rejected over a bum but I do not as I know my value/ I am focused on the kids 100%. I do feel heartbroken because I felt like we were working to get her back to the woman I first fell in love with (stupid, she warned me she will likely never be) .

HELP: HOW CAN I HEAL / The KIDS(trauma)/ GAIN MY STELF ASTEEM AGAIN, FORGET ABOUT HER AND NOT BE TRAPPED AGAIN BY BEING EMPATHETIC. I do have therapy for the last 4 years but I doubt this is enough.

N/B she is in a homeless place now/ apologised for hurting me but no more promises this time as she sees I reached a point of no return. She will see the kids when I am there, away from the house and she agrees with this until we do something formally via a mediator/legally

you may recognise story from my post a while back , changed a few details but I am sure if she sees this, she knows it's about her.

Did AI write this

I hope not. I thought AI was able to write more coherently than this!

Just came back to see if any words to help ,this isn't what I expected as a first response. I trust AI wouldn't write this dribble I wrote on my phone with a mind that's just all over the place..
Anyway ,thanks

it took you long enough to take custody of your kids. I can’t believe you left them with her when she was living with a drug addict and became an addict herself. I don’t think you should be so self congratulatory. Yes you finally stepped up but it took you long enough. Stop wallowing and put all your efforts into providing a stable secure home and upbringing for your children. All this will impact them - they may need counselling/therapy themselves.

I think I remember your previous posts @18kman

I’m sorry that it has come to this. You’ve tried your best but to be blunt, you can’t save her. The only thing you can do now is to concentrate on the children.

I have no advice on what you should do legally but I do suggest that you speak to a family lawyer regarding where the children will be living from now on. I assume that you both have parental responsibility. I would also advise talking to the school as well.

Do you have supportive people in real life you can talk to?

I think there is people in real life I can talk to but I am just too embarrassed that I share kids with someone like her

You said it best "you can’t save her".
My uncle once told me this as a young man and I didn't apply it this time.

She will never take accountability until the day she realise I am not going back on my words to ensure kids are protected

What a load of cobblers.

Ex-wife addicted and neglectful...yet no social services or legal action for years.

Pays child maintenance...despite having majority custody.

Took her back romantically...despite knowing she was unstable and obsessed.

Took custody instantly...but no mention of legal process or safeguarding.

Emotionally devastated...yet claims total confidence and indifference.

Kids traumatised...but no mention of therapy or structured support.

OP, I think you have a saviour complex.
Look into this.
The only logical reason I can think of why you would subject yourself, but most importantly your children, to this situation, is that you crave the validation of being the knight in shining armour who saved the mother of your children from the mess she was in.

You need to understand that whenever you think you're trying to help someone, your motives are warped. You take on impossible tasks because you need the pat on the back and for people to tell you how great you are.
All the therapy in the world isn't going to make you heal if you don't get to the root of the problem, meaning what kind of old childhood pain are you carrying that would make you do such a thing? And to subject your children to it no less.

The hardest thing for someone with a saviour complex to realise is that all of their 'selfless' actions are actually deeply selfish. The goal is to heal an old wound of their own. It hurts to see that for what it is, but it can also help you grow.

What you need to be doing now, is figure out what baggage you're carrying and work through that. And immediately make sure that your children can start therapy, both individually and as a family - you and the children - to process what they've been through.
At no point in this whole process should the goal be 'how can you make sure that everyone understands how hard you've tried to do the right thing and how much you've sacrificed'. It should be about your children, and only about them.

I mentioned this was a follow up post. Not that I should link it but this was more about me moving on, not necessarily about the legal matters

-My first post ,I did mention I have been in therapy for 4 years ,

-The kids already have a social worker at school due to other matters which I now believe she caused.(She managed to hide her addiction as she was always sober when we did child swap)

• Took her back romantically...despite knowing she was unstable and obsessed. - I did say it was stupid of me ,I realised this

- Emotionally devastated...yet claims total confidence and indifference. ? Is this a joke ? I literally said she has caused me to lose all that .

• I do not have them 100% of the time ,this set up has always worked as she would buy them uniforms and clothes from that ,the 100% is only now after this.

Sometimes people read to have a go and not to comprehend . Nevertheless ,thanks for your input

Saviour complex indeed. Spot on there, I see it now .

I was convinced I could do it just for the sake of the kids but someone did mentioned already "you can't save her"

I do not want to use rude words here but there is a terminology for this type of person and a saying that goes with it .
You are also right about what I need to heal from myself (my parents died years back and this was the person who was with me when it happened and I think I looked at her as the only family i could have around me after them that I would value ) .

You Def made me realise a lot ,I absolutely have to focus on myself and kids Only, even if I feel like it's selfish.

Anyway, we live and move on

I wish l was as perfect as you 💕!

You're very self congratulatory and lm not convinced everything you have written is true

a broken man is perfect? I see.

I am not here to convince anyone, I did not waste time typing all this BS just because I want sympathy or to convince anyone. I just wanted suggestions how I can heal and move on

Thanks