How's this likely to go?

[Wwudits67]

I'm in a new relationship after a few months of dating. It's great. In terms of us we are really good. No issues. We said I love you this week and have agreed we are going to continue as we are happy.

The only thing thats wrong is he's agreed with his ex to play dad to her toddler that was just one when he got with his ex. They lasted just over a year. She ended it, threw him out. They had got engaged etc. The ex has no clue about me and him. Hes terrified as she will apparently turn nasty and he's scared she will remove access to the child.

Hes had her 6 out of 7 weekends. We had something booked in this weekend. The night before she asked if he could have her child so she could go to the pub. Every weekend she's got plans. Hes got the child for the next 3 weekends. Im hoping we can do something on the 4th one!

She's been awful with her demanding. She tried to demand maintenance and he said no. I provide when i have her. She then made him buy all the stuff for his place including clothes, pushchair, toys and nappies. She sends long nasty abusive cruel messages then goess back softer for the weekend.

He says he won't walk and can't walk first but fully expects she will stop the access soon. But I worry for the long term. What's the likely outcome?

He fully expects she will stop access - she should stop access. He has no business acting like he has shared custody of this child. It's not appropriate for her to be spending weekends with some guy that her mother was with for a year.

OP, I think you're being very naive. This is almost certainly his child. I can't imagine any bloke would be so incredibly attached to a child after living with them for only a year. I also can't imagine any men who would throw themselves on the altar of parenthood and such self sacrifice for a non-bio child. Bloody hell, most of them don't behave like that for their own kids! It would also explain the former fiancee's demands and nastiness. I really think he's lying to you. But even if he's telling the gospel truth I advise you to run for the hills.

Be careful.

As another PP has said - together just over a year and the intensity/expectations are immense.

I think once the ex finds out about you, she'll play games as you are a threat to her comfy baby sitting arrangements.

And I think once she meets someone else, your DP will be tossed to one side.

Is he love bombing you ?

Hes not the biological dad is local and was abusive and has no interest. Hes always said he felt sorry for her and he's cared for her and dobd alot for her.
I do think its all very strange but you've got one person desperate to stay connected and the other seeing personal gain.

I don't think the problems with him. Hes normal and we are equal. I think she just added him very fast into their dynamic. She has 2 other older kids too. She then got fed up and they split. I won't debate their relationship dynamics because I wasn't in it to know. But I'm getting no off feelings. Just him struggling to adapt to this child being out his life, they both originally felt it was best for her. Obviously she loves him and thinks he's dad.

You're getting the right advice here. Please do take it, before you get involved any deeper financially or emotionally attached.

If he genuinely wants a future with you, he will sort his head out and take the appropriate steps.
Please also bear in mind how you would feel after looking after this woman's child, loving her, only for the mother to decide to up sticks or say her new boyfriend doesn't like it.

It's tough, especially as you like him, but you are going to have to be the one with the backbone here and end it. Tell him the reasons, and then he can decide what to do.

Good luck.

I'd get out now if I were you! This will not end well 😐

You do realise it’s not OPs BFs biological child? And is he really doing the best for the child? He’s extremely attached but doesn’t want to pay maintenance. The ex seems incredibly manipulative and BF is petrified she could cut off access at any point so isn’t it better to break away now before child gets older and even more attached. It’s v likely her next partner won’t be happy having an ex who’s not even the dad so heavily in the picture. And if he does choose the child who’s not even his over his current supportive DP then more fool him.

No, this isn't healthy and I don't think it's in the child's best interests at all.
The child is very young so likely won't remember him if he stops being involved now.
If he keeps playing along & being used by the ex the child will get older & more attached. The mum will no doubt meet someone else, drop the dad and this poor child will be so confused.

You need to advise him to stop this connection and move on. Tbh, it sounds like it's more about him & his feelings for the child than the child itself anyway.

I would be seriously doubting being involved with this man because this kind of behaviour after only being with his ex for a year is at best I'll judged and at worst just plain odd.

Spineless fool. Shes got him under her thumb. It wont change, he’s setting himself up to be an emotional punchbag. As soon as she gets a new fella, he will be the new daddy. Idk where this will end but id get out if i were you

He seems to lack common sense OP. For him to be that close to the child I am guessing that he moved in with her... very quickly... and her two other children? Red flag. He allowed a child who he has no financial or parental responsibility for to call him 'Daddy'? Red flag. He won't tell his ex about you. Red flag. He's not only letting his ex dictate access (which he isn't entitled to unless he is paying maintenance or has parental responsibility) he's letting her essentially use him as an unpaid babysitter weekend after weekend, to the detriment of plans that you want to make together. Red flag. He won't stand up to her. Red flag. You've got a whole string of bunting there... if you think that this relationship has legs then you need to have a serious conversation with him about where he sees this all going. If he wants to be a father figure then it needs to be on a much more structured basis. The truth is that a clean break would be better, she's two, she won't remember him in the years ahead.

OP, how much do you know for absolute fact, and how much is just what he (and/or his ex) have told you?

Because the whole having a child so attached that she calls him Daddy and he has to take her every single weekend at the detriment to his own life just in case his 'mad ex' stops him seeing her is such a bizarrely convoluted story that it smacks of invention. Add in the 'feckless real father who is conveniently local and therefore known, whilst being abusive and not anywhere in his DDs life' and this all starts to sound as though you are being fed a huge line, although I'll be honest and say that I don't know which one of them is lying.

Or worse.

He should just call her bluff. She sounds far too unhinged to have this much power. She needs him for h ch scare for her prolific nights out. He needs to tell her straight if she wants him to support her in the ways she’s accustomed then she needs to wind her neck in about him having a relationship and stuck to a proper childcare routine.
shes not going to stop his access for long because she’s using him

She might have 'added him very fast to the dynamic' but he had power here. He could have pulled back, taken it slower, not moved in with a woman he didn't know very well who already had three kids. He wasn't a passenger in all this.

Sorry, quoted wrong post and can't change it. Meant to quote OPs post about ex bringing him into her home very quickly. No idea what happened to THAT quote...

Have you discussed how he’ll feel when she meets someone new and decides he is actually ‘daddy’? I agree he lacks very little common sense and needs to think about what is best for the long term.

Sounds like he has form for moving very quickly into things and being quite intense too soon.

To all intents and purposes you are in a relationship with 3 people, one of whom sounds demanding and difficult, and another is a small child. The third is a confused man who is more afraid of upsetting ex than prioritising you. It is almost guaranteed not to go well.

THIS!! ⬆️ With fucking bells on!!

This is never going to end well OP! NEVER!!

Few months of her third birthday.

At what point do they plan on telling the kid he is not dad or are they just hoping she’ll never need any medical donations? They’re setting the poor thing up for a very mixed up life.

This isn’t healthy for the girl or your bf. He has no parental rights so contact could be stopped at any time. He needs to cut contact or look into adoption but I doubt he’ll be able to adopt her. I would break up with him. This is so messy.

This is probably going to go badly.
A family member of mine got reeled into something like this. Bonded with the child, felt sorry for her so he kept going back to the ex so he could stay in touch with the child. He's still there 35 years later cause every time he tried to leave she ended up miraculously pregnant and now they have 2 more children.
He's been absolutely miserable his entire life.

Look, either he realises that as a step-parent you can't get so overly attached to a child and start playing daddy. He learns his lesson, lets this go and moves on with his life. OR, you need to walk away from this situation. He has zero legal claims to her, so h's going to have to jump through hoops for the mum forever. You don't want this.

You do know op , she will meet someone else and he will be dumped, she's not going to want him around and definitely neither will the new boyfriend,

Yes, certain other scenarios did cross my mind I'm afraid.