How impossible is it to find love in your 30s?

[ForeverHopeful3]

I got into a relationship that was NOT good for me at all, and it took my 3 years and turning 33 to finally see how toxic my ex-bf was to me. I left him in early May.

I joined Hinge/Bumble and an Indian dating site, and although I met men on there, none of them were it. Lack of chemistry with one, and another that seemed very promising ended abruptly when he started defending men who cheat. LOL. There a few men in between too but no one I saw myself with romantically.

I deleted all the apps last month out of frustration. I go to the gym, I take dance lessons, I keep myself pretty busy, but its seeming like I am closing into a dead end. I don't want to be single forever. I want to be a wife, a mom, have my own babies... But I do not want to do that with the wrong man. All my friends are married, or engaged, or having kids. And here I am. Almost 34, with not even a glimmer of hope 😭

I was 35 when I met DH. We met at work. We've been together 28 years.

I was 34 when I met DH. Now 39 and been married 3 years with a 3 year old DS. You're fine

At 36 I concluded I would be single forever. I'd left a career and just lost my mother, and had the luxury of a few months working very part time.

I used this time to think what I wanted to do with my life and came up with a plan. I discussed it with the wisest friends I had, honed it, and was about to start the second and - hopefully best- part of my life.

I was excited about it, and finally felt like there was maybe a good reason I hadn't achieved my dream of being a wife and mother.

Then a couple of day after making that final decision, later I met someone. We were engaged within two months and married within six months.

Best laid plans and all that 😉

I was starting to consider whether my dad and I should live together so that I could care for him more. I was 33. Then I decided to accept every invitation that came my way, and to invite people to things myself, and met Dh just before I turned 34.

What I would say though is that love is only part of the story - our marriage was complicated and he died when we’d been together 15 years. No regrets though.

Hang on - you’ve been single for all of 4 months, after a long and toxic relationship? Since when you’ve seen a few people….
So on the positive side, you’ve probably got a better idea by now of what you do and don’t want. Bottom line is that you are still soooo young, and frankly there’s a lot of people who would think that after 4 months they’d only just be ready now to consider something new and serious. But now you’ve deleted the apps - so leave them deleted for a short while. Give yourself time to recharge. Think clearly about what you really want from a man and when you’re ready, rewrite your profile accordingly. At your age you are going to be highly desirable, don’t dig yourself into a hole by comparing yourself unfavourably with others just because they’re married or engaged.

My most serious relationship ended just after I turned 34. I thought it was game over. At 35 I met DP and it’s going really well so far.

Best thing to do is de-centre men and dating and get on with living your life. I met DP when I was at a rave with some friends. Men and my dating life were literally the last thing on my mind that night.

Thank you so much for this!

Getting on those apps so soon after breaking up with my ex was a mistake. I mostly did it because I was in such a low, low place emotionally and it felt "good" for a while. But then I guess I started hating it once I was over the break up, and actually seeing the amount of trash on there! OMG these men need to get their act together. Ugh😑

I definitely know exactly what I want now and what I won't tolerate. And it's giving me hope reading everyone's success stories who are in our age group!

That is so sweet! I work remotely but maybe someone will notice me in a Zoom call😂Praying for another 100 years for you and your hubby :)

Thank you for sharing, and I am sorry for the loss of your mom💙I always hear "you'll find him when you're least expecting it," and I keep pretending that I am not expecting it, but I am not fooling anyone lol

That's interesting because I was thinking about a newish career path too just yesterday... I am a teacher but I want to start my own teaching business 😬Maybe its time to start planning for that :)

I'm sorry to hear about your DH💙Thank you for sharing your story with me hugs

Haha that's awesome and I am glad things are going well! I always hear that you find someone when you are least expecting it, but I am the type of person that loves being in love so the waiting game is torture for me lmao. That's also part of the problem.

I was settling with my ex for that reason, I just loved the idea of a relationship, but he was never going to be able to meet any of my actual long term needs. Now I know that not just any man is going to cut and I really need to be serious about who I let into my life. I just wish the pool of men didn't have so many bad fish in it! Its crazy how many 35 years+ balding men are on these apps "not sure" about what they want. 🙄

Met my DH when we were both 33, married 6 months later. An acquaintance of both of ours introduced us in a coffee bar one lunchtime. I loathe the dating apps. Keep your standards high.

I was 33 when I met my DH having made a positive decision that I was going to embrace my inevitable lifelong single-ness and have a wonderful life of self-indulgent holidays and a groovy city flat that was just the way I wanted it. I now live in a chaotic house in the Home Counties with my DH and our ultra-sassy 8 year old. It's great. But you know what, OP, the other life would have been great too. I was genuinely all in on that one and then I finally met someone who was just too good to pass up!