To refuse affection?

[lessonsingeography]

Reposting here for traffic.

Married 10+ years. 2 years ago found DH had a profile on a dating site which massively breached trust for me. 1 year ago discovered 25k worth of debt. All this chaos coincided with when DH parent died and he puts alot of it down to grief. For the last 2 years he has been reactive and has been having angry verbal outbursts mostly aimed at me. Our summer holiday (2 school age DC) was ruined because of his behaviour. I was ready to leave on return from holiday but he promised he would seek help, which he has and I know he is working on it. He is still having the angry outbursts but they are less explosive and shorter in duration. He keeps attempting to be affectionate, stroking my face and hugging but I'm rejecting him as I feel uncomfortable, we haven't really been affectionate for 2 years, no intimacy since I found the dating profile. I've told him to stop forcing things and that I will tell him when I'm ready for things like hugs but he just keeps trying. He isn't a safe space for me and has been emotionally unreliable so I think I have detached from him as a way of preserving myself. This weekend he has called me a liar and shouted at me that he doesn't trust me, told me to fk off and has done the gesture in my face. He apologised later but I don't understand how someone can swear at you and belittle you then expect you to be cuddly and happy the next morning? He does apologise and tries to make amends but it is like we are stuck in a cycle of him apologising and expectation on me that I will forgive and move on, even though he has said and done some really hurtful things to me. He says I am withholding affection and being cold and that is damaging things so, am I part of the problem? Am I being unreasonable to not want to reciprocate? Or am I being manipulated? I just feel stuck on this carousel and like I can't think straight. Everytime I have started to warm up he goes and does something to make me regret it. I would welcome some advice if anyone has been through this and how it played out, I can't speak to anyone IRL.

I think trying to justify a dating site profile with grief is a bit of a stretch to be honest. Are you sure you want to keep working on this? You can’t fake affection that you don’t feel and it sounds like you’re a long way from feeling safe with him again. It’s okay to say enough is enough, if that’s what you really feel.

The answer is to simply get off the carousel OP, this isn’t a healthy relationship.

Grief does make people do funny things, realising we’re mortal, life is short, trying to feel something other than sadness.
Pushing him away more will lead to more of him seeking elsewhere, it’s been 2 years.
Not saying you shouldn’t feel as you do, I would too. But I’d get out of it. You won’t change how you feel

The trust isn’t there. Instead of trying to rebuild it he’s giving you more and more reasons why it won’t ever improve.

I’d be gone at the dating profile never mind the debt, but after all of that to continue to behave like this. Why on earth are you still there?

Your DC’s will be able to see/hear this, however much you think you’re protecting them. There’s no coming back from this so the question is how long will you put up with being treated like this?

This marriage is making you both miserable. End it for both your sakes and for your children's.

Op quite a few things here to unpack but what stands out to me is that you feel he is not a safe person.

What also sticks out to me is that you are rejecting him, and everyone can argue on the reasons, and justify them, and understand why, and for any man such rejection is huge.
Men are wired differently and he may therefor be giving himself a platform of reasons to stray, take his moods out on you etc. All seeing he KNOWs you will put up with it. I mean after all you have given him ultimatum so many times he is use to it, he knows he can push things with you. He knows he can do whatever now. You will bicker about things, tick along for a while, and he may even think that well, you may want him soon. So in essence you are both punishing each other for reasons you both justify are valid due to xyz behaviors and broken trusts.

So, why? What makes you stay?

I don’t know if this is one of those things where you can’t see it because you’re in it. But he’s cheated on you, ran up loads of debt behind your back and is now verbally abusing you and you think you might be the problem? Get out before you waste any more of your life on this sinking ship.

You can't show him affection because he's no longer trustworthy. He's verbally and financially abusive. Of course he's not safe.

Your marriage is dead.

You can limp along and be miserable but it's done. Staying does nothing positive.

You could waste another 10 or 20 years waiting for him to change. He won't change. You know that. Get out now for your own sake and for the sake of your kids.

You should make a decision.
Leave eachother and move on with your lives, find affection from new partners if the trust and connection is gone.
Or stay together but really work on it as a couple and if one or both need affection then you both need to work on that and rebuild that side of things.

Sounds from your OP that separating is what you both actually want. You’re prolonging the inevitable.

You already know what to do. End the relationship.

I'm terrified of the unknown and of regretting leaving and most of all breaking up my family. I know regret sounds ridiculous given the situation I've described. I just feel very confused with it all, as though I'm in some sort of fog.

Getting opinions from others is helping me gain perspective, so thank you to all who have responded.

What’s worse, breaking up your family, or exposing your children to this dreadful, cold and dysfunctional relationship for another decade or so?

Bless you op, once I know for sure someone’s lied to me it is game over. I mean this romantically and sexually but also in all areas of my life, even family. If it’s significant and especially if over a period of time, I can’t deal with it at all.
i know couples do get over things, or many say they do and maybe with therapy you could , you could try but this sounds like tip of the iceberg stuff and more stuff is coming out?
in which case I’d be done. This has happened to me, I’ve given chances and almost ended up ruining myself.
you owe it to yourself and
if there’s kids involved you owe it to them to try and get yourself out of the fog