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Original poster

Would you prep DP?

27 replies

Sogfree · 22/09/2025 07:38

DP said something just before bed Saturday night that upset me. We'd had a few drinks, so it wasn't the time to talk about it. But it bothered me a lot, so my 3am wee wake up left me stewing it over for 90mins instead of going straight back to sleep.

Sunday morning his alarm went off 20 mins before he needed to leave. I was able to squeeze in a 5 min chat, but he didn't grasp the root of why I was upset.

I'm seeing him tonight. I've written my thoughts on notes to help give me clarity. Would you send the notes over before you see him, so he's got a chance to process the conversation we are going to have? It feels like it's fair to give him processing time like I had all of yesterday, as he probably thinks the issue is already dealt with.

Or does it seem too much like a drama queen action to send him them?

OP posts:
Woompund · 22/09/2025 07:39

No, don't send him notes!

Mymanyellow · 22/09/2025 07:39

Just talk to him. Sending notes so he can prep is bizarre. What did he say?

travailtotravel · 22/09/2025 07:40

Depends what he said and why it bothered you. Talk to him..

IWasScaredToBeHeld · 22/09/2025 07:41

Why on earth are you making notes to have a chat with your partner?

What did he say? To be honest given you were both drunk I’d have just left it at “you upset me last night, please think before you speak”.

PashaMinaMio · 22/09/2025 07:42

Dont send notes! It’s not a business meeting.
If you need prompts to remind you of key points during your chat keep them discrete. Key words you can glance at.

Ddakji · 22/09/2025 07:43

I don’t think that’s a good idea. Just have a chat with him.

ComfortFoodCafe · 22/09/2025 07:44

Notes? Its a relationship not a board meeting.

warmapplepies · 22/09/2025 07:51

What? Why on earth would you send him notes?

Owly11 · 22/09/2025 07:55

What did he say?

Original poster
Sogfree · 22/09/2025 07:57

I always make notes before a planned tricky conversation. It helps me clarify my thoughts.

I don't use them during the conversation though.

The last tricky conversation I had, my friend sprung it on me. She'd had a week to think about things. I had to respond in the moment, which I'm not great at. After the conversation, I was frustrated that things got missed that I'd like to have said. Had I known we'd be talking about that issue, I'd have clarified my thoughts.

I wanted to give DP processing time before tonight, unlike my friend gave me. But the consensus is to not send my thoughts. So I won't. Thank you all.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 22/09/2025 07:58

If I needed notes to properly get my thoughts together and was thinking he needed time to process it, then it would have to be about a very very serious and significant issue in our relationship. Something that was potentially going to end our relationship.

warmapplepies · 22/09/2025 08:00

Sogfree · 22/09/2025 07:57

I always make notes before a planned tricky conversation. It helps me clarify my thoughts.

I don't use them during the conversation though.

The last tricky conversation I had, my friend sprung it on me. She'd had a week to think about things. I had to respond in the moment, which I'm not great at. After the conversation, I was frustrated that things got missed that I'd like to have said. Had I known we'd be talking about that issue, I'd have clarified my thoughts.

I wanted to give DP processing time before tonight, unlike my friend gave me. But the consensus is to not send my thoughts. So I won't. Thank you all.

How often are you having planned tricky conversations? It all sounds very strange.

Foundationns · 22/09/2025 08:01

I know what you mean about being taken by surprise. An alternative to sending notes would be to explain the issue slowly and give him time to ask questions.

IWasScaredToBeHeld · 22/09/2025 08:03

Sogfree · 22/09/2025 07:57

I always make notes before a planned tricky conversation. It helps me clarify my thoughts.

I don't use them during the conversation though.

The last tricky conversation I had, my friend sprung it on me. She'd had a week to think about things. I had to respond in the moment, which I'm not great at. After the conversation, I was frustrated that things got missed that I'd like to have said. Had I known we'd be talking about that issue, I'd have clarified my thoughts.

I wanted to give DP processing time before tonight, unlike my friend gave me. But the consensus is to not send my thoughts. So I won't. Thank you all.

What did he say?

Original poster
Sogfree · 22/09/2025 08:06

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/09/2025 07:58

If I needed notes to properly get my thoughts together and was thinking he needed time to process it, then it would have to be about a very very serious and significant issue in our relationship. Something that was potentially going to end our relationship.

And that's why you and I are different.

I clarify my thoughts on notes about all sorts of stuff. It's my best sounding board.

OP posts:
Amsooverthis · 22/09/2025 08:11

I think the fact that you might send them as notes is more the issue. If you just wrote a text of explanation then you are right he gets chance to reflect before you sit down. I get why you might do this.

Marineboy67 · 22/09/2025 08:30

Quite difficult to advise really as the post seems to be more about the use of notes in a confrontational situation than what was actually said. I guess we'll never know!

LisaSimpson77 · 22/09/2025 08:38

I mean a lot of this depends on what he said and your situation doesn’t it?

if you’ve been together for ten years and the thing he said was “I don’t want to marry you because I believe there’s somebody else out there who is better for me” then yes, notes and a serious conversation.
If you’ve been together six months and he said your new jeans made your bum look big then notes and processing time are complete overkill.

I realise you don’t want to repeat exactly what he said but a bit of a better idea of the circumstances might get you better advice?

In general though I think if I had a partner that I couldn’t talk to with sharing notes before hand I would be concerned that communication in the relationship wasn’t working properly.

YellowGuido · 22/09/2025 08:44

I totally get you, OP - I am far, far better at explaining things in writing than I am in speech. If discussing something / answering questions, my brain goes into something of a whirl and I find it very difficult to pick out the important bits of what I need to say to get my point across - which makes my logic go squiffy!
I’d agree with a PP who suggested sending a text setting out why you’re upset and the basics of what you’d like to say - it might help set the problem out for you to both then work through later. Good luck x

warmapplepies · 22/09/2025 08:48

It all sounds incredibly intense - multiple chats on the same subject, being awake at 3am over it, needing to make notes and plan a discussion hours in advance - if that were me I’d be debating whether it was worth all the hassle.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/09/2025 08:49

I would say ‘when we get back please can we talk about (general subject) as I’m still upset but I need to talk through why’

TallulahLikesHoola · 22/09/2025 08:51

warmapplepies · 22/09/2025 08:48

It all sounds incredibly intense - multiple chats on the same subject, being awake at 3am over it, needing to make notes and plan a discussion hours in advance - if that were me I’d be debating whether it was worth all the hassle.

This, and rather controlling? It's not a real conversation if you are planning and navigating the flow of the 'discussion'.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/09/2025 08:53

I think wanting notes before a conversation might be a 'you' thing, OP. I'd appreciate a head's up about the content of the conversation, as in 'I think we need to have a chat about what you said the other night because it upset me and I've been dwelling on it a bit'. Notes come over a bit 'here's something you did that upset me, bullet-pointed, and I want you to address these issues and tell me how you plan to overcome them before we next meet.' A wee bit 'I'm right, you're wrong and you need to pacify me.'

Even if you don't mean it to be like that, it's how I would perceive it if someone did it to me.

maudelovesharold · 22/09/2025 08:56

Off topic, but I can never leave a spontaneous voice message. I usually ring off and prepare a little script, then ring back, otherwise I’d end up rambling, repeating myself and not getting to the point! So I can see the benefit of notes for your own reference. I do this for doctors’ appts. A conversation with my dh, not so much…

Lighteningstrikes · 22/09/2025 09:20

I understand where you’re coming from, but don’t send him notes, it will be misconstrued as you coming across as too official and intense.

When you speak to him, be fair and give him lots of time to process what you’re saying.