I feel like I've gone mad

[RosiePeach33]

My partner and I work together (46) I'm 36. Four weeks ago he told me he playfully flirts with this girl we work with because she reacts back (she acts interested in him) that it just passes the day. It's only ever joking about work. But he's said and done things he thought after I think she took that more. And he's going to more careful in future not to give wrong signals etc. He was sorry for hurting me.

I then text and said I don't want to argue etc but just a quick Q, if only ever been innocent about work - how could you have thought after I shouldnt have said that. He completely turned. Said I'm not a lawyer, he's not under investigation. I just want to be right. I'm crazy, lost the plot. I said but you're just deflecting. He told me I've gone too far? P*s off and annoy someone else. No one should have to go through this over something so stupid. It wasn't a serious issue. F*k off and he was ending it and blocked me.

The next day he took it back and did a 360 that's he's never done anything wrong, he's never flirted. I just latch onto words. He strongly opposes any wrong doing and he will draw a line under if I will. And all he can think he's said is she's got a body most would die for and some other comments....but there was context.

At the same time my 6 year old was under investigation that week with the hospital and they ended up admitting him a few days later to do a MRI, to rule out a tumour on his spine/lukemia. It was the worst week. He was going to stay with his parents an hour away which he does often. He didn't even offer to meet us and we are supposed to be a family. I said that to him and he said 'sorry, he's not incapacitated - so I do choose seeing my dog and friends instead."

I said you are so heartless, that is my child. You need to see a counsellor re some unhealthy behaviour you have before you come back into our lives, I don't understand any of this. Since then, he has ignored me. I tried for a few days saying the kids are asking where you are, are you seriously just going to ghost me. Then I refused anymore.

We worked together for the first day yesterday and other than work stuff, he didn't talk to me. But he told a work colleague we had split up. So I found out through her. Just like I'm nothing. I refused to give the satisfaction of asking anything. Don't worry, I know I can't let him back near my children or our lives. But I can't get my head around how my warm partner can suddenly treat us like nothing? Just gone. Like a stranger. And he seemed fine. No guilt.

I feel like I'm nothing and the kids meant nothing. Can't explain. Were all the times fake?

Wow he's an awful, selfish person op. You're better off without him.

Because he's a massive abusive twat and always was it's just that hes finally shown you exactly who he is. Definitely keep him away from yourself and your kids.

Sorry but my guess would be that there is more to this flirting thing. Something has happened there that he is trying to mask but means enough to him to end this relationship. Either way, you are better off without this man. And I think you know this after the way he is being now when you need him most! Sorry about your son. Hope he is ok.

Sounds like he was using you until something better comes along.

Bingo!

From experience, I would bet my life savings on this being the case. He has found someone else and has checked out and wants to focus his energy there.

When someone knows they’re doing something they shouldn’t (flirting, cheating etc), they try to find excuses for their shitty behaviour. Usually it’s in the form of dehumanising the person they’re with before eventually leaving them with a bag full of “reasons!”

This man doesn’t respect you at all and doesn’t deserve a second longer of your time. The more you try to reach him, the more you’ll add to his irrational reasons for leaving you. Ignore him and do your best to move on.

There’s a label for everything these days and in my experience men are perfectly capable of doing what this man has done to you.
It’s called the “discard.”

You’ve been discarded like there was never anything between you. Hes managing to tell others that you’ve split up but not you. It’s awful unkind selfish behaviour and very hurtful. When a partner behaves like this without any discussion it tells you all you need to know about them.

Be glad you’re shot of him.

He made a few comments about her figure too and she is like a 6. Completely different shape to me. I'm a 10-12. He never says that stuff to me. It's already knocked my confidence so much 😩 I've never seemed to be enough for any guy really. Like they've cheated, etc.

What an evil heartless git he is. Time to find another job and put this wanker fully behind you permanently.

I am sorry this man has made you feel shit about yourself. I promise that there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s him! He has wasted your time and that’s unforgivable. Take back your power, tell him to fuck off and remember that there’s someone out there that will love you for exactly who you are and without needing validation from other women because you are his world! They’re out there, I promise.

That’s bad luck and says more about the men you have been with than you. Really, truly good men don’t treat people like that.

He’s either cheated or said something inappropriate and it’s about to come out.

Regardless you are well rid.

look for a new role and don’t look back at this awful, very obviously LYING man

He’s punishing you for being, rightly, concerned about your ill child and not focusing 100% on him.

As they say, the trash took itself out.

Ask him to check if the business & public liability insurance covers legal fees in case she takes a sexual harassment claim against him. Point out that she could because he led her on, dropped her like a hot potato & now she could claim sexual harassment.

Let him ponder this & say you're only concerned about the reputation of the business. If you're joint business owners, I'd seriously think about taking your share out while you still can.

Scare him by sending him this.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

Is he the father of your child?

Put your energy into your DC, and your efforts to find a new job.

This bloke is a waste of space.

It does make you doubt yourself, like I have I somehow missed messages etc. But the fact he just ignored me at work, apart from literal work stuff kinda cemented it all to me.

It's the cruelness of it all. Does he not care about the kids at all. (They aren't his but he's been part of their lives for four years etc) Does it not warrant any conversation. My little boy loves him. I just can't get over any of it.

He’s biding his time and waiting for you to beg him to come back.
He’s flipped the situation so it looks like you’re the one being unreasonable.
He’d let you apologise even though you’ve done nothing wrong.
This would set the tone for your future relationship - him acting badly, you wondering why and then doubting yourself.
Let him walk away, you and your children will be far better off.
I bet if you look back he’s displayed this behaviour before.

He is being cheating or had the intention of it. With your reaction he twisted The plot to have fuel to make the split your fault. None of it is the reality but in his abusive stupid mind he thinks he is an angel and you have done this to him.
I have no advice other that take him out your mind as soon as you can and be strong. All the best, he doesn't deserve a minute of your time or a drop of your love.

Another one with the opinion that he's already cheated. He's laid the groundwork with the 'we just flirt' so if anyone came to you with any stories, you'd put it down to the 'oh, they just flirt' that he told you. But he can't keep it up and he wants to get with her now, so let him. He's an utter dick and you're well rid. Your children will get over it.

A couple of years ago my dad ended up in resus after being hit by a car. I was on the phone trying to arrange someone have my children so I could drive to the hospital - I could hear him getting annoyed saying to his dog come on, let's get out of this f**king place. I went out and said have I done something wrong and he said it's just you haven't got enough milk for my porridge and you only have a plastic bowl. And said I have to go, I'll be late. He text me when I was at the hospital and said sorry I was in a huff. I said sometimes it really seems like you have no empathy for me. You could have offered to get me some milk in this situation, or help me in some way.

So he finished with me then, while I was in resus. Saying WE bring out the worst in each other. I said I have no idea what I've done though. I feel ridiculous now writing this. But he genuinely made me think I had contributed to that.

Blows my mind people can really be that awful. I suppose people live double lives for years and can look people right in the face and have no guilt. Shouldnt shock me and yet humans do sometimes.