Posting anon as I’m quite embarrassed. I have unpacked it IRL to my friends but unsure how biased they are
We have a baby of nearly one and have been married 2 years, together 7.
I have had PPA (and possibly PPD) which got very noticeable around 3 or 4 months postpartum and I’d say peaked around 6/7 months PP. I had a lot of resentment- I begrudged my husband for being able to go to work and keep a bit of himself. He is generally really good practically and will do more than a fair share of housework and has always been that way, yet I would still resent him because it felt like my life had changed more. It also manifested in me not trusting my husband to do things for our daughter, or I’d let him but hover and supervise (you can’t dress her in that sleepsuit which you rested on top of the nappy bin/ you need to wash fruit first before serving) you get the picture. Some normal and common sense but some admittedly a bit OTT. I have worked hard to get over this but I still have my worries, though unrelated to him. I’d say now I am so much better with that and more just give myself a hard time and worry about it I’m doing enough developmentally for my daughter. She crawls everywhere and mouths things so I’ve had to shrug off the cleanliness worries lol
My husband had an emotional affair between 5-7 months postpartum. I found out shortly after he had called it off himself and confessed. We have locations on ordinarily anyway and I saw the exchanges, you can never be 100% but I am 99% sure it hadn’t progressed into anything further. Obviously you can’t be absolutely certain and I know how these things usually go! I didn’t know about it at the time but did feel him emotionally withdraw, and ever since things just have not been the same. For a short time he was fully transparent, did not forgive himself over it and answered all my questions. He then quickly went back to being withdrawn and has since said although he accepts it is entirely his fault and responsibility, it’s a ‘symptom not a cause’ and nobody would do that if they were fully happy.
He says he thinks we’ve changed as people and that my ‘anxiety’ has been an issue for too long, and that I haven’t treated him nicely for a long time. When I found out about the EA we spoke at length about this already and agreed there was work to do on both sides but that most of it would need to come from him initially because of what he did. He keeps going back to saying ‘nothing is changing’ but isn’t changing himself. I’d have expected flowers, a confidence boost, a nice dinner made, or him trying to go above and beyond. None of that. He says his cup is empty and he isn’t motivated to.
Despite having willing grandparents we’ve only left her twice to have any time together since she’s been born. I think this is the root of the issue, maybe, but now I don’t know if we are beyond that
I feel really upset, I’m trying to navigate returning to work, my PPA (still) and this ongoing which has pretty much taken over my first summer with my baby. It feels so heavy to carry round.
I am questioning if I really have been that snappy to live around, I should’ve addressed my anxiety more tbh it has been naturally resolving as baby ages. I do feel guilty if that has impacted him and his experience of becoming a dad. I thought I’d be able to move past the EA if he put lots of effort in but he just hasn’t. We are a bit stuck now!
Is there any way back from this?