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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So sad I’ve let him go!

50 replies

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 21/09/2025 11:17

Hi all, I’ve got to leave a few things out about this story as it would be easy recognisable to someone who would stumble upon the post. I’ll try to share as much as possible.

I left an abusive relationship a few year ago. Not physically abusive but mentally. This man broke me down. I stayed single for a long time. I was pretty scared to let my guard down plus I had my kids to think about. Their Dad had a new partner within a couple of months of me leaving (somehow I don’t think she was very new) and it screwed the kids up. I didn’t want to cause them anymore upset.

Anyway, let’s rewind about a year ago. I met a guy. Hit it off straight away. We were friends but there was a mutual attraction. I enjoyed his company. We would talk about anything and everything. Spoke every day. After about six months we slept together. We had a great evening, he came over for food, watched a film and then one thing lead to another, it wasn’t planned, it just happened. Fun was had by all. However, that was the last I heard from him. I was gutted. We were so close, such good friends then boom…gone. It took me a while to get over it and I had just started to when he came back with his tail between his legs and gave me a reasonable explanation. He received some awful health news. He seemed sincere, explained the situation fully, acknowledged that he caused me pain and upset and didn’t push for forgiveness as he said he would understand if I told him to piss off. I forgave him but laid some boundaries around honesty etc.

The contact started back up. I was very clear that sex was not on the cards because I was hurt so much the last time. He was fine with this. Again we spoke every day, texted, arranged to meet but it didn’t materialise due to work commitments but we still kept in touch. He would disappear for a week or so but he was going through treatment (a small text wouldn’t have gone amiss but never mind) so I let it go. However, this has become a pattern and I’ve had enough. I do have feelings for this guy, I have tried to stop myself but I can’t help it. I contacted him last Monday and said this is not right, going AWOL, not replying to my texts, shit explanations for the lack of communication. I deserve better.

Please tell me I have done the right thing, I mean I know I have but it hurts to walk away when I have feelings for him.

My ex was vile, I am by no means perfect but I did my best by that man and I think I deserve better. I then choose an emotionally detached, flaky guy who treats me like shit and I just think I deserve more. I should be loved the way I love, cared for the was I care but I feel so sad about saying bye to this guy.

Please be kind, I’ve only ever been with my kids’ Dad so this new world of dating and relationships is crazy!

Enjoy your Sunday all 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 13:54

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/09/2025 13:46

Have you not met up in all this time??

Plans to meet but never materialised due to work commitments or feeling unwell. I wonder why I’ve persevered for so long. Absolute flaky sack of shit.

OP posts:
User37482 · 22/09/2025 13:56

You are probably someone he just sees in a while. I wouldn’t just ignore a friends texts. He’ll drop you when it becomes clear no sex, if he hasn’t already. He’s an arsehole and you are better than this.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/09/2025 14:00

I’m sorry to say, OP, but you’re nothing more than a pen pal to him. Your feelings are one-sided.

You definitely deserve better.

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 14:59

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/09/2025 14:00

I’m sorry to say, OP, but you’re nothing more than a pen pal to him. Your feelings are one-sided.

You definitely deserve better.

I’ve been so stupid. How haven’t I seen this?! I just hope he hasn’t been taking the piss or laughing when I’ve been giving messages of support and care.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 22/09/2025 15:33

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 14:59

I’ve been so stupid. How haven’t I seen this?! I just hope he hasn’t been taking the piss or laughing when I’ve been giving messages of support and care.

Show quote history

No op you haven't, he been very clever,

I watched a documentary last week, special police, so these men went under cover, set up relationships these relationships went on for years one had a child, but they were working for the gov, anyway 5 different women this happened to, they eventually found out about each and came together to find out and prove their stories, 5 women from different parts of the world, honestly was mind blowing, these men were all married with children,

My point is, Your not stupid at all op, and now you know somethings off your on it,

Be kind to yourself op, big hugs

Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 16:43

Has he ever stayed over at your house?

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:05

Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 16:43

Has he ever stayed over at your house?

No, the night we slept together he went home late.

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 17:08

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:05

No, the night we slept together he went home late.

Show quote history

Sounds very much like he is in a relationship.
Did you mainly speak day time and early evening

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:23

Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 17:08

Sounds very much like he is in a relationship.
Did you mainly speak day time and early evening

Show quote history

Now I come to think of it yeah. Well there is my answer, looks like the rat is probably in a relationship.

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 17:34

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:23

Now I come to think of it yeah. Well there is my answer, looks like the rat is probably in a relationship.

Show quote history

How did you meet ,is he from your area

ThreePears · 22/09/2025 17:41

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:23

Now I come to think of it yeah. Well there is my answer, looks like the rat is probably in a relationship.

Show quote history

Is he on social media?

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:51

Merseymum1980 · 22/09/2025 17:34

How did you meet ,is he from your area

Show quote history

He came into my work to do some training. Not attached to my employer but he was delivering an info session over a week period. He’s not from my area.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:53

ThreePears · 22/09/2025 17:41

Is he on social media?

Show quote history

No. I found that a bit odd. I asked why and he said he couldn’t be bothered with it, he said he was too old for it (he was older than me).

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 22/09/2025 20:25

My gut reaction after your first post is he is in a relationship and felt guilty after sleeping with you / got what he wanted which is why he ghosted you. But he likes to keep you on the hook for an ego boost and attention. He leaves it weeks to respond so not to raise suspicions if he was constantly on his phone and to ensure that your relationship doesn’t progress in a way that would have you expecting to become part of his life / asking hard questions. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made up his health condition or exaggerated it to get sympathy and avoid taking responsibility for his poor behaviour and red flags. I bet if you went digging you would find a wife or partner. But ultimately he’s not worth it.

ThreePears · 22/09/2025 20:31

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 17:53

No. I found that a bit odd. I asked why and he said he couldn’t be bothered with it, he said he was too old for it (he was older than me).

Show quote history

Oh well, that's it then. I reckon he is in a relationship. Was he pretty much uncontactable all through the school holidays? That's another dead giveaway.

Age is no barrier to using social media anyway - my late relative was using it well into her 90's, and I belong to a hobby facebook group where the overwhelming majority of members are of senior years.

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 22:04

OchreRaven · 22/09/2025 20:25

My gut reaction after your first post is he is in a relationship and felt guilty after sleeping with you / got what he wanted which is why he ghosted you. But he likes to keep you on the hook for an ego boost and attention. He leaves it weeks to respond so not to raise suspicions if he was constantly on his phone and to ensure that your relationship doesn’t progress in a way that would have you expecting to become part of his life / asking hard questions. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made up his health condition or exaggerated it to get sympathy and avoid taking responsibility for his poor behaviour and red flags. I bet if you went digging you would find a wife or partner. But ultimately he’s not worth it.

Oh god I think you are bang on. I feel sick thinking about being used like that. To think I have been used like that is awful. I am gutted. Thank you for sharing your theory, I think you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 22/09/2025 22:06

ThreePears · 22/09/2025 20:31

Oh well, that's it then. I reckon he is in a relationship. Was he pretty much uncontactable all through the school holidays? That's another dead giveaway.

Age is no barrier to using social media anyway - my late relative was using it well into her 90's, and I belong to a hobby facebook group where the overwhelming majority of members are of senior years.

Show quote history

He has been contactable over the holidays but only through the day and early evening. Ah I’m devastated I have been taken in by him.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 23/09/2025 07:57

Op, stay strong, I think you now know something a miss here,
Has he been in touch this week, will you play this down for now, will you dig around for information??

BitOutOfPractice · 23/09/2025 08:02

Hes either married or in a relationship.

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 23/09/2025 08:55

Omgblueskys · 23/09/2025 07:57

Op, stay strong, I think you now know something a miss here,
Has he been in touch this week, will you play this down for now, will you dig around for information??

He hasn’t been in touch but as I’ve said this is normal behaviour, well normal for him. He disappeared for three or four weeks a few months ago. I sent him a message telling him I was done because of the lack of communication. He came back saying his life was completely upside down and his mental health was suffering. Full of apologies. Stupidly I carried on texting. Oh the desperation!

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to start digging around, it’s got me exhausted.

I am craving affection and attention and I have trusted someone who clearly hasn’t and doesn’t give a shit about me. The aftermath of being in a relationship with a narcissistic, controlling, sociopath who stripped me of my confidence and self worth.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 23/09/2025 14:23

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 23/09/2025 08:55

He hasn’t been in touch but as I’ve said this is normal behaviour, well normal for him. He disappeared for three or four weeks a few months ago. I sent him a message telling him I was done because of the lack of communication. He came back saying his life was completely upside down and his mental health was suffering. Full of apologies. Stupidly I carried on texting. Oh the desperation!

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to start digging around, it’s got me exhausted.

I am craving affection and attention and I have trusted someone who clearly hasn’t and doesn’t give a shit about me. The aftermath of being in a relationship with a narcissistic, controlling, sociopath who stripped me of my confidence and self worth.

Show quote history

Aww op yes of course your feeling this way, he has done a good job on you FOR NOW!!
You will find your anger op sure as day and night and you will, this is down to him, your kind, trusting , reliable, this he used for his own purpose, only he knows for sure, your gut telling you something wrong, that's what you have to go on right now,

So he's away, you don't need to contact him as he won't reply as you know, that's good, gives you some space, and time to think ,

Op you are the good person here, so please don't beat yourself up, 🎉

Mom2K · 23/09/2025 14:39

While the health issue may be genuine...it's unlikely that he found out about it immediately after sleeping with you. He likely knew before hand and has used it as an excuse to justify his crap behaviour (btw - it does not justify it).

In the off chance that he discovered this health issue the next day after sex with you for the first time...a decent person would have explained it to you and let you know they needed some space to deal with it. Not just disappear. At that point he was well enough to have had sex...so he was well enough to talk to you.

I'd bin this guy no matter what. He has shown his cards.

This is not a reflection on you. You are deserving of better treatment, he is just a sef centered person...you are under no obligation to support him. He doesn't seem to want support...just some attention whenever he feels like it.

FirstdatesFred · 23/09/2025 14:43

So flakey.
You've done the right thing.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/09/2025 14:48

I don't know why you are beating yourself up. You've been incredible. Using the information you had at the time you tried to help him - you were there for someone having a bad time. Now he isn't fulfilling what you need from him, so you've given him the heave-ho - that takes strength and inner resilience.

I'd say you are doing just fine.

SUPerSaver721 · 12/04/2026 13:15

He sounds like a fearful avoidant to me. Coming on strong then after intimacy ghosting you. Coming back with an excuse and then not answering texts for 3/4 weeks.

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