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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me with my response pleaseeee

7 replies

Richesme · 21/09/2025 10:14

Firstly, I have adhd problems ok I dont remember my points and I can’t articulate my feelings into logical thinking therefore I need support with my responses

He told me to take my time and figure out what’s on my mind, and with the help of you guys from previous posts I told him this;

I’m kinda getting the hint we’re going down. You’re moving goal pots and it’s no longer romantic transition like I said yday, there is a difference in putting our money in one pot and, difference in treating it separately. And I get your point on why you don’t wanna do it shared but this is just a sign that it’s going down, you don’t wanna take that risk. Making a fresh start with a positive mind in a new house is an option or treating like it can go down is an option, they’re all risks. Its all transactional at this point, like we don’t even earn the same amount for you to ask for halves and it defeats the purpose why I wanted to work in the first place, and you seeing it fit to go halves because I asked a hand in the house then gives me the right to ask for halves in what you’re earning if we go with your logic. Like it’s becoming all transactional, just shows me you got one leg out already since you said you have to manage risks and that’s what you’re getting ready for.

It’s up to you at this point, I can’t be romantic with you coz that’s what you want, you wanna act like we’re in a loving marriage but I’m just agreeing with whatever option I have, but all this is making it difficult to keep a romantic relationship even if there isn’t an actual problem between us, it’s foreseeing whats gonna come from your goals that puts me in a withdrawal stage. I don’t know if its making sense.

He said; How can you say since im earning more i should put more. Hows that equal? I used this example so many times everyone’s blessed differently and thats why its a shared 50/50. Everyone does it that way unless agreed before hand
Or someone gets the rent other person gets utilities. But its never you earn more so you pay more. Or the fact you said your doing house work so you get half of my earning again where is the logic lol. You’re not working but doing house work. Think of it as contribution to rent and utilities then not entitlement for wages. See and if you dont feel romantic about us that means you’re gonna withdraw like you did now. Which shows me right to feel risky like a RS wont last when theres no love. And its you right now starting this not me.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 21/09/2025 10:17

Who is ‘he’ ? Partner, husband or boyfriend? How long have you been together and do you share any children. All those things have different answers so it’s important to include those facts

Richesme · 21/09/2025 10:22

Coconutter24 · 21/09/2025 10:17

Who is ‘he’ ? Partner, husband or boyfriend? How long have you been together and do you share any children. All those things have different answers so it’s important to include those facts

Husband, been together 5 years and a toddler

OP posts:
Richesme · 21/09/2025 10:22

Richesme · 21/09/2025 10:14

Firstly, I have adhd problems ok I dont remember my points and I can’t articulate my feelings into logical thinking therefore I need support with my responses

He told me to take my time and figure out what’s on my mind, and with the help of you guys from previous posts I told him this;

I’m kinda getting the hint we’re going down. You’re moving goal pots and it’s no longer romantic transition like I said yday, there is a difference in putting our money in one pot and, difference in treating it separately. And I get your point on why you don’t wanna do it shared but this is just a sign that it’s going down, you don’t wanna take that risk. Making a fresh start with a positive mind in a new house is an option or treating like it can go down is an option, they’re all risks. Its all transactional at this point, like we don’t even earn the same amount for you to ask for halves and it defeats the purpose why I wanted to work in the first place, and you seeing it fit to go halves because I asked a hand in the house then gives me the right to ask for halves in what you’re earning if we go with your logic. Like it’s becoming all transactional, just shows me you got one leg out already since you said you have to manage risks and that’s what you’re getting ready for.

It’s up to you at this point, I can’t be romantic with you coz that’s what you want, you wanna act like we’re in a loving marriage but I’m just agreeing with whatever option I have, but all this is making it difficult to keep a romantic relationship even if there isn’t an actual problem between us, it’s foreseeing whats gonna come from your goals that puts me in a withdrawal stage. I don’t know if its making sense.

He said; How can you say since im earning more i should put more. Hows that equal? I used this example so many times everyone’s blessed differently and thats why its a shared 50/50. Everyone does it that way unless agreed before hand
Or someone gets the rent other person gets utilities. But its never you earn more so you pay more. Or the fact you said your doing house work so you get half of my earning again where is the logic lol. You’re not working but doing house work. Think of it as contribution to rent and utilities then not entitlement for wages. See and if you dont feel romantic about us that means you’re gonna withdraw like you did now. Which shows me right to feel risky like a RS wont last when theres no love. And its you right now starting this not me.

his my husband, married 5 years and we have a toddler too

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 21/09/2025 10:25

Your post is hard to understand - I'm reading that he is paid more than you and you do more (all?) Housework but he wants you to go halves on bills and you don't.

References to this "going down" - are you happy with your relationship aside from the money?

Coconutter24 · 21/09/2025 10:33

He wants you to pay bills you want him to help in the house because you’re back at work, are you part time or full time. The fairest way would be be (if you’re part time) work out a fair percentage based on both your wages so if your a lot less it could be 60/40 70/30 and you both do housework but you do slightly more cos your part time. If full time and earning similar then 50/50 on bills and housework

FourIsNewSix · 21/09/2025 10:42

Is my understanding correct?
You have a toddler together.
You got back to work.
There's some discussion about new house - and he doesn't like your suggestion about it
He doesn't do/doesn't want to do half of the work at home.
The main issue is money - he wants everything paid by half, you want one pot.

Some points to consider
Do you have an option to spend the same hours and with the same flexibility as he can with your work, or is your earning potential reduced by being the default parent (nursery run, appointments)?

I'd say it is rather common in families with small children, that one parents get an opportunity to earn more and the other one works their job around children. If that's your setup, expecting to go halfs on everything doesn't work.

Omgblueskys · 21/09/2025 14:58

Hi (richesme) not sure how many threads you have active here this one to (Husband one leg out the door,) ??
Plus others, try blending them together so we can help, you seen to be asking for different advice topics on each one

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