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Original poster

Shouting at 3yo

14 replies

SpoodenWoon · 21/09/2025 07:46

Advice please on what you would do?

Last night at bedtime DH was putting DS to bed (he is 3). I was sorting DD (2yo). From the other side of the house I suddenly heard DH screaming at the absolute top of his voice. He was screaming, “What are you doing? What are you doing??” But I mean properly SCREAMing it. I ran into the room in a panic wondering what had happened and asked what’s wrong. DH furious and pointing at DS, still shouting repeated, “He just TWATTED me in the face.” a couple of times he shouted this.

(DS is generally very well behaved, he was exhausted I think. On the rare occasions he gets in a tizz I will restrain him and say hitting is not allowed and never ok- not looking for advice on that part.)

I said I would finish bedtime and said for DH to go downstairs and he became even angrier, shouting “You’re not letting me parent, you’re not letting me be the Dad, you be mum AND dad then.”

I have noticed that DH fuse seems much shorter than mine when it comes to stuff like this and managing sibling dynamics etc.

He went to bed without saying goodnight to me last night and has now taken DCs and gone out for the morning (we were planning to go out as a family.)

Hitting isn’t ok but was screaming at DS like that justified? Was I wrong for stepping in?

OP posts:
Lollytea655 · 21/09/2025 07:50

Honestly maybe others will disagree with me but I don’t agree with shouting and screaming at anyone, nevermind at children.

If someone is shouting at me then I’m immediately not listening, if you can’t communicate without shouting then you need to work on that, so I absolutely would have intervened here & wouldn’t be okay with this.

Nobody learns anything from shouting, if an adult can’t control that then they really can’t expect a toddler to control their big feelings.

Velvian · 21/09/2025 07:54

If he ever behaves like that again, I would call the police. Do you have any close neighbours? With any luck, they would call..

He obviously sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, as he seems to be 'punishing' you.

YesHonestly · 21/09/2025 07:55

Lollytea655 · 21/09/2025 07:50

Honestly maybe others will disagree with me but I don’t agree with shouting and screaming at anyone, nevermind at children.

If someone is shouting at me then I’m immediately not listening, if you can’t communicate without shouting then you need to work on that, so I absolutely would have intervened here & wouldn’t be okay with this.

Nobody learns anything from shouting, if an adult can’t control that then they really can’t expect a toddler to control their big feelings.

Completely agree with this.

SassiestPants · 21/09/2025 08:00

Nope, not OK and you absolutely did the right thing especially telling him to step out.
He sounds stressed but that's no excuse. His behaviour afterwards is also not OK. He is likely avoiding and blaming you because deep down he knows he is wrong and is deflecting by making it your fault, accusing you of stopping him parenting...

I would probably approach it later, with him, from the POV of 'what's going on with you? Are you OK? That was a massive reaction and isn't like you'.. Hopefully he can open up and you bith can agree coping strategies for any future bedtime tantrums.

He needs to recognise his over reaction and inappropriate shouting and hopefully you can both move past it. Good luck OP.

rewardh · 21/09/2025 08:11

Actually, sometimes there is just cause for shouting. I shouted at DS who undid his car seat on the dual carriageway once - he never did it again. I would also probably use that tactic for a child who hit me in the face. It’s the shock of your reaction that prevents them from doing it again. Your restrain and explain hasn’t worked, so as an isolated incident I wouldn’t be too fussed about this. You do say he has a shorter fuse, so if that means he is very shouty then obviously that’s not ok, but as a one off for a real ‘no’ moment, it’s not as bad as all that i don’t think.

Ineedmybru · 21/09/2025 08:11

I shouted at my 3 year old yesterday... Glad my DH didn't call the police. Confused
I was trying to get stuff out of the drawers to wrap a gift and she was opening and slamming the drawers with the wrapping paper etc in them. She caught my fingers and nearly damaged the drawers, I shouted at her. My DH thankfully stepped in and supported me. If he has been critical the whole thing would have escalated.

3 year olds are hard, hard work at times. They are designed to push boundaries. Everything is a game. They don't realise they can hurt other people until they are told. Bedtime can also be a total battle, at the end of a long and tiring day.

Your DH lost his rag with a 3 year old who was messing about and hit him in the face. It happens from time to time.

Iocainepowder · 21/09/2025 08:58

I think it’s good to call each other out and help to calm each other down in these situations.

But also my honest experience is that there isn’t enough advice or support out there for parents on how to deal with kids hitting them, regardless of how small the child is.

If it were an adult hitting us, we should call the police, but if a child hits us, we have to put up with it. I even asked a therapist about this and she didn’t have much to say.

I went through a year of my 3 year old hitting me 50 times a day (mostly in the face) and i can tell you there was a lot of shouting, mostly me begging him to stop. Turned out it was a problem with his hearing.

I also screamed at my 1 year old to get off me recently as she has twice sunk her teeth into my shoulder and drawn blood, and I now flinch when I pick her up as she is still biting a bit.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 21/09/2025 09:45

Lollytea655 · 21/09/2025 07:50

Honestly maybe others will disagree with me but I don’t agree with shouting and screaming at anyone, nevermind at children.

If someone is shouting at me then I’m immediately not listening, if you can’t communicate without shouting then you need to work on that, so I absolutely would have intervened here & wouldn’t be okay with this.

Nobody learns anything from shouting, if an adult can’t control that then they really can’t expect a toddler to control their big feelings.

I agree. Shouting shuts things down. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 21/09/2025 09:47

Velvian · 21/09/2025 07:54

If he ever behaves like that again, I would call the police. Do you have any close neighbours? With any luck, they would call..

He obviously sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, as he seems to be 'punishing' you.

No neighbours that would hear. I don’t think it warrants that though. However I do think it would unnecessarily scary for 3yo. It’s not like he was in danger. I get that being hit is infuriating but we have to be the adult in that scenario and not escalate emotions.

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 21/09/2025 09:47

rewardh · 21/09/2025 08:11

Actually, sometimes there is just cause for shouting. I shouted at DS who undid his car seat on the dual carriageway once - he never did it again. I would also probably use that tactic for a child who hit me in the face. It’s the shock of your reaction that prevents them from doing it again. Your restrain and explain hasn’t worked, so as an isolated incident I wouldn’t be too fussed about this. You do say he has a shorter fuse, so if that means he is very shouty then obviously that’s not ok, but as a one off for a real ‘no’ moment, it’s not as bad as all that i don’t think.

This.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 21/09/2025 09:48

SassiestPants · 21/09/2025 08:00

Nope, not OK and you absolutely did the right thing especially telling him to step out.
He sounds stressed but that's no excuse. His behaviour afterwards is also not OK. He is likely avoiding and blaming you because deep down he knows he is wrong and is deflecting by making it your fault, accusing you of stopping him parenting...

I would probably approach it later, with him, from the POV of 'what's going on with you? Are you OK? That was a massive reaction and isn't like you'.. Hopefully he can open up and you bith can agree coping strategies for any future bedtime tantrums.

He needs to recognise his over reaction and inappropriate shouting and hopefully you can both move past it. Good luck OP.

Thanks Sassiest.

He is super stressed at the mo but that seems to be the norm really. There’s a bit of eggshell walking.

If I bring it up again later he will get angry and say I undermined him.

OP posts:
user043857398 · 21/09/2025 09:48

Lollytea655 · 21/09/2025 07:50

Honestly maybe others will disagree with me but I don’t agree with shouting and screaming at anyone, nevermind at children.

If someone is shouting at me then I’m immediately not listening, if you can’t communicate without shouting then you need to work on that, so I absolutely would have intervened here & wouldn’t be okay with this.

Nobody learns anything from shouting, if an adult can’t control that then they really can’t expect a toddler to control their big feelings.

Agree. Shouting is not parenting. If you find yourself shouting you need to step back and compose yourself.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 21/09/2025 09:50

Ineedmybru · 21/09/2025 08:11

I shouted at my 3 year old yesterday... Glad my DH didn't call the police. Confused
I was trying to get stuff out of the drawers to wrap a gift and she was opening and slamming the drawers with the wrapping paper etc in them. She caught my fingers and nearly damaged the drawers, I shouted at her. My DH thankfully stepped in and supported me. If he has been critical the whole thing would have escalated.

3 year olds are hard, hard work at times. They are designed to push boundaries. Everything is a game. They don't realise they can hurt other people until they are told. Bedtime can also be a total battle, at the end of a long and tiring day.

Your DH lost his rag with a 3 year old who was messing about and hit him in the face. It happens from time to time.

I have definitely shouted before. It was the sheer volume and sustained level of shouting that I didn’t think was good. And also using language like “twatted”.

3 year olds are HARD, no doubt 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 21/09/2025 09:51

Iocainepowder · 21/09/2025 08:58

I think it’s good to call each other out and help to calm each other down in these situations.

But also my honest experience is that there isn’t enough advice or support out there for parents on how to deal with kids hitting them, regardless of how small the child is.

If it were an adult hitting us, we should call the police, but if a child hits us, we have to put up with it. I even asked a therapist about this and she didn’t have much to say.

I went through a year of my 3 year old hitting me 50 times a day (mostly in the face) and i can tell you there was a lot of shouting, mostly me begging him to stop. Turned out it was a problem with his hearing.

I also screamed at my 1 year old to get off me recently as she has twice sunk her teeth into my shoulder and drawn blood, and I now flinch when I pick her up as she is still biting a bit.

That sounds very tough. Hope things are better for you.

OP posts:
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