Emergency Full custody - how to

[irishmanonline]

Hi ladies and gents , How do I go by gaining custody (temporary maybe ?) (Warning : Trauma bond/DV/drug and alcohol misuse )! Long post sorry

Backstory : My ex-DW (share 3 kids 4/6/9) has overcome a drug addiction which had moved to an addiction after moving in a drug dealing new love into her home over a year ago after 1 month of meeting . He came out of prison a few months prior and had been couch surfing up to that point which I believe expedited him moving in (love bombed her etc). After a few months she realised he was just a freeloader so she kicked him out.

I believe she kept seeing him as he offered her drugs for cheap or free at times in return for sex (she discussed this with someone via WhatsApp ).

Anyway a year on, unfortunately, as it usually happens when you put on a united family for the sake of kids ,we naturally found ourselves semi dating again(stupid of me now I see ) , her mental health had declined and I helped her a lot, financial and emotionally to be herself again etc and she was grateful and everyone in her family acknowledged it too.

She has been drug free and unfortunately ,she replaced this habit with alcohol and it became a problem eventually. Out of sympathy and for the sake of kids not losing their mother or he exposed to the same environment a before , to help with her journey to recover and maintain it , she has spent 80% of the last 4-5 month in my house with the kids and it has helped a lot and kids hate it at hers (she is a hoarder ,rotten door in cupboards and fridge every single time I have been there ) .

Downfall:
In these last 4-5 months around me, 80-90% of the times she has got drunk I would find her unblocking the ex and begging him to see her (even at 3am when she has school run early morning ) , he made it clear he doesn't want to he with her as he has a new partner but he would not mind meeting her for ex(embarassing cannot even explain it , she would plead for his attention ).. I don't know if it has happend as she would usually end up passing out drunk each time and wake you swearing she is going to therapy and never drink again blah blah blah( the usual broken record ).SHE CLAIMS it's something called "Trauma BOND" and she Just can't help it.

Final issue: I got home two nights ago to find her already drinking at 5pm, no dinner for kids, she was constantly on her phone and she abruptly got up and said she had to run home to pick some work clothes for next day. Youngest DD was in a state over this ( they do showers ,how work , Bed time routines etc always ) .

Right away, I asked her to never return to my house ,kids have asked me since why is mum like this ,why is mum always drunk etc. I have been in tears over this because for a 4 year old to realise something is wrong with her actions, it's horrible.

I do not feel comfortable nor plan to realise them into her custody as she has demanded all day today(she has been drunk since she left and insisted on video calling them and expose them to her state(I regret picking up each time.

My reasons why they won't be safe and I have proof of all these points (videos /messages/ pictures :

1. Ex sold drugs in her house so there is a chance she can have him around her
2. She has been high and taken drugs with her parents when kids are in her custody
3. She has kept his drugs as recent as 6 months ago, way after breaking up in the same house my kids live in with her in return for payment
4. She has refused to engage with alcohol groups that I signed her up for and hidden the addictions from the school social worker who works with the kids due to behaviour issues (I am very convinced this was caused by her during her addiction, she shouts at them when drunk ) . She has given them sandwiches as dinner etc just because she would be so drunk and a neighbour has had to feed them multiple times when she would be drunk by 5pm on a week day .
5. She has been verbally and physically abused me whilst drunk and I am a man so I never believed it would be taken seriously until I called the police just two months ago and I did not reveal everything but they are aware she was the aggressor in the incident. I did it to protect her for the sake of the kids.

Question : Emergency Custody! what is my next step(who do I contact, I am clueless ) to ensure they do not get released to her with her issues ? What more can I do and look forward to?

NB: For the record ,I am not heartbroken and this is not coming from a jealousy place because of this guy, Kids have always been my priority and we both understood that

You're not unreasonable at all to keep the children in your care - she is unable to care for them safely while she's drinking. Make an appointment with a family law specialist solicitor and find out what you need to do to formalise the custody arrangements.

Can you talk to a Citizen's Advice Bureau about this? Also maybe talk to the school so they know what's happening. Can you contact the school social worker and explain the situation? Your ex really needs help and it sounds like you've been very supportive, but she really needs to want to help herself too.

If it were my kids Id be getting a lawyer with experience in this on the case asap. I very much doubt in the state she in that she will manage to fight it. And that's a good thing as she needs time on her own to figure this out and stop putting her children in harms way.

That's one lesson here , she must help herself and he really wanting to because I have done everything I could and here we are every other week.

Thank you

You don't actually need to do anything legally to secure the care arrangements unless she does something extreme like removing them from school and refusing to send them back. If you don't want to agree to her seeing them at the moment you just don't have to agree. She will need to go to court to apply for contact.
It's always better to negotiate child care arrangements rather than go to court. That's easier said than done with an addict.
You would benefit from a session of legal advice to understand your options.

Assuming you have PR, you have the right to keep them for their safety. However, assuming she also has PR, there is nothing to stop her from picking them up from school. Even if you speak with school to explain the situation, their hands would be tied.

You need legal advice. And honestly, I think social services would be a really good idea too. Your children need support to process this trauma. You also need to understand the role you have played too by facilitating this for so long and muddying the waters in terms of the relationship.

You have a duty to inform Children’s Services who will help you to ensure the children are kept safe - I wouldn’t try to navigate this alone as it is too messy and important to get it right

I’d be ringing citizens advice, social services and a solicitor to get as much advice as possible. Emphasise the safety of the children being the priority.

I’d start by going into school on Monday whilst they’re in lessons and asking to see the safeguarding lead. Be really really honest about what you’ve written here.

They’ll be able to organise support for the kids, and also signpost you to social services, support services etc. From reading your post, and the description of social services already being involved, I suspect that school probably already knows quite a bit of the history here, and will be glad you’ve taken a stance.

Refer yourself to children's social care, call the Police if there is ever an immediate risk, chronologically document everything.

Have you been sleeping with her ?

Erm no he doesn't! All social services would tell him would be to protect the children which he is doing.

Really no need to refer himself to children's social care. He's acting protectively.

Citizens and advice and social services are not necessary here.

Keep the children with you today and tonight. If she turns up demanding them, phone the police. You have evidence that her behaviour, decisions and drinking puts you and the children at risk

When you drop them at school tomorrow, explain the situation and then speak to a solicitor straight away. Again, explain the concerns and risks.

Do not engage with her outside of mediation or solicitors. You have been soft in the past but you are enabling her and, whilst you think its the the right thing for her and the kids, it isnt

I think OP you have tried all the gentle supportive ways you can to help remedy the situation and others here are right - now keep the children with you. I do think you need to involve social services and maybe the police. I suppose the school needs social services / court / police to rule that the kids can only be collected by you. Then investigate legal measures you can take, and evidence everything you've tried already so it's clear what has not worked so far.

Social services and the police wouldn't be involved in this, it's private family law. A court could determine this. Much better to try to set clear boundaries with the mum and agree some kind of supported time she can spend with the children without putting them at risk. Going to court may be necessary but it may not be and if it can be avoided that's better for everyone.

Thank you all for the replies .

I have given her an agreement plan in writing which she agreed to,(this guy not around the kids ,no drugs around kids ,not gettong drunk when In her care etc) she will adhere and if broken I am taking them immediately and doing it legally.

Let's see, I bet she will break this as soon as possible and I will be here to update you.

Kids are all safe 🙏

The mum is physically and verbally abusive to the op...I think its probably past the stage of clear boundaries and support, and for the sake of OP, I think he should go straight to solicitor rather than try and engage with a woman who is abusive to him any further.

I think this too