Confused, mixed signals!

[Chloe207]

Hello, me and my daughters dad ARE not together, he’s made it clear once before he doesn’t want a relationship with me, but he’s very confusing!! He says he wants to be around us more, he wants to see us more, he will give me a hug and kiss on the cheek when he sees me or when he says bye, he’s been a little absent recently not showing up to see our daughter on days we’ve actually talked about meeting up, “he doesn’t want her on her own at the moment” he does have ADHD and I think certain things trigger him? I don’t know, but he said he’s not confident yet to take her out on his own, I do leave them together at my house or his house so I can pop out to the shops, but as I stated he doesn’t want a relationship, tonight he randomly came round to like with no warning out of the blue, and he was talking about going on holiday twice a year with me and our daughter, and saying this will be worth it one day trust me, I said what will, he said “me not being around as much, but one I will and it will be worth it” I said I’m not putting my life on hold for you to just come and go when you please, I said I want a life, I want a relationship one day with someone that’s going to want me and have a life with me, and he just looked at me, I said you’ve made it clear you don’t want a relationship with me, and he said I don’t but that means you having a boyfriend will stop me having a relationship with our daughter, I was like you what, how? How will it stop you, and he said because your not going to be there , I looked at him and said “you don’t need me there when you’ve got her you do an amazing job with her” and he said yeah that’s it just leave me then, I told him, there is nothing to leave there is no me and you, it was you who said you didn’t want me.

now all of a sudden I’m the bad one?
yet for 6 months it’s always been me making an effort with him to see his daughter, it’s been me planning the days, it’s been me doing everything.

how aM I the bad one?? X

You're not. He's a dick.

But you need to put boundaries in place with him. AND with yourself on the treatment you accept.

Did you know everything about caring for your daughter the second she was born? Of course not. You had to learn and so does he. Don't let him use weaponised incompotance. If he doesn't know how to do something: "I'll show you once so pay attention as I won't always be with you".

Secondly "you show up at the agreed time and place or not at all". If he is half an hour late or doesn't show, you don't answer the door and you don't reschedule.

Thirdly he does not get into your home. Ever. And certainly never uninvited or at times you did not agree upon prior.

Thirdly 'we are 100 percent over John and I will date again in future as I'm sure you will too. All we have to go with eachother is both being good parents to our daughter'.

If he sulks, pouts, shames or tries to make you feel guilty for saying no to him or doing everything his way, leave .

Firm. Boundaries.

He is your ex and kids father. That is all.

Honestly, I’ve told him I will always show him what to do, I’ve shown him how make her bottles, how to change her, all the basic things, I also told him I’m new to all this but it’s all pretty simple, it’s not hard.

And I was upstairs sorting laundry when he popped round before, I was waiting for some parcels so rushed down thinking it was that. If I knew it was him I wouldn’t have answered.

That’s the thing if he doesn’t show up on the days we’ve agreed I won’t hear from him for days…. Then all I get is “I was busy” and tell him, it takes a couple seconds to text me or call me to say you are not going to be showing up!!!

tonight he made me feel awkward, like he doesn’t want me to be going out meeting new people or seeing anyone, I mean I’m not ready for it yet, but one day I will be ready. X

Ps: don't think being nice or compromising with him or making excuses for him will make your life easier. It will not. He will just take the piss more.

Be firm and clear. Dont get stuck repeating yourself either. If he doesn't respect a boundary, you leave or he is told to leave. No negotiation.

'I'd like you to keep your hands to yourself Jim. We are not together' might be necessary.

As for his holiday suggestion, if you are not ok with that, 'im sorry Jim but no thanks, but when she is older you should go with her'.

You are not his free nanny for his own child. Be clear about that. He needs to step up and parent.

He also can't have the milk without buying the cow. Which he thinks he can. He has zero respect for you.

Beware he may suddenly U-turn about the relationship when you put boundaries in place. But do not get back with him. Nothing has changed. He still sees you as a nanny and possibly sex on tap. That's all. Sorry.

He will likely be one difficult. Flakier ect...
But at least you'll respect yourself. And not being being used.

I totally get that.
and I did mention him taking her away when she’s a little more older on his own or with his parents, and he said nahhhh we should go as a family. I said I’m not playing happy families for your sake.

he's just totally baffled me, and I really wanted advice. Because I know if I stop texting him to see our daughter I’d never get a text from him. And there is NO sex going on at all. There hasn’t for many months.

i do need to respect myself more I agree with you. X

Yes, he's pushing boundaries and it's not ok.

Male sure he doesn't have a key to your home and be careful in future before opening the door.

Showing him what to do a few times is fine. But he has the internet I'm sure after that he can figure things out. Don't let him pretend he doesn't know in order to waste your time or bulldoze your boundaries. Just 'I'm busy Jim. I've showed you this already. Use the internet and learn just like I did'.

You have to be really firm. With yourself too. Because it seems he's a piss taker.

Also he's talking as if you are a toy that he put down that is still his. This is worrying. Do not be slow to contact the police if he becomes possessive or aggressive.

I remember your last thread OP, the advice then was to stop texting him yourself and let HIM reach out to you. That advice still stands. He probably will never reach out and then you know exactly where you stand.

If that's the case then, stop texting him. His daughter doesn't need a relationship with someone who is only using her to mess with her mother's head.

She isn't a pawn and you aren't his mummy. He makes the effort to see his child or he doesn't. Up to him.

Hey, I have not currently texted him since that last post to be fair, I have sent him a video of her playing with a book, and that’s literally it. As I said he just turned up today out of the blue, and I was like ohhh ok…. X

You really need to set boundaries OP, decide what yours are & stick to them. If you aren’t happy with him turning up and coming into your home whenever he fancies then communicate that clearly and stick to it, so when he turns up it’s “as discussed, this is my home, if you would like to take your daughter out or see her then you can contact me and we can arrange a time for that no problem, but now is not that time, thanks, bye” & then simply close the door.

He doesn’t have a key lovely.

and exactly, the internet is there to help him out on many things…

he is messing with my head. And I have told him that. He tells me he’s not. But clearly he is.

ahhhh it’s annoying! X

I did tell him to never show up at my house like that again, he said “sorry I just wanted to see you both” I said ok but text me next time. And he said “my phones dead”

when he went today. I did text him, saying don’t turn up again at my house with out telling me, and only text me when you want to see our daughter, but in future we will meet in town or at your parents house. And I had no reply. X

The problem is you need to stand by what you say OP, you did let him in today so although with your words you’re saying “don’t do that”, your actions say “I’ll still let you in so do what you want”.

He’s not going to bother taking notice of your words until your actions match.

I totally get that. I just really was no expecting him to be at the door! I thought it was Royal Mail. Then I felt awkward to say go away or something. I don’t know tonight just had me feeling weird when he turned up like that. X

You need to find your anger & assert your boundaries, for your sake and your daughter’s. Do you think he feels awkward when he doesn’t even bother texting to ask about his child? Or do you think he feels awkward when he refuses to actually take his own child out for the day? No. He wants the easiest life he can have for the least effort, stop accommodating him.

Take back control, and I would bet my mortgage that when you do you will probably never see him again, at least not for a long time because he truly does not care but he likes the control he has currently. Take it back and that leaves him with nothing, he can play games with himself while you and your child move on.

He knows he is. He INTENDS to. It's his GOAL.

You don't waste your time explaining to a lion that it is chewing on your leg so you? What good would it do?

You seem like a normal, kind person. He is not. He is a lion. Don't waste time telling lions not to eat you. Just stay away from them. As much as possible that is.

No, I think about it all the time, he doesn’t care, because if he did he would text, I need to stop being so nice, but that’s just me as a person, would it be bad of me to block his number? He’s never once texted me as I said it’s always been me, maybe I just wanted him to have a good relationship with our daughter, but it’s not turned out that way. He’s told me he wants to be around more, wants to have days with us, wants to do more things with us, go on holidays. Blah blah blah!! I need to keep telling myself if he’s saying all this to fuck with my head!!!! X

I absolutely love how you’ve put that! He is a lion! And I don’t need him! His daughter doesn’t bloody need him either!

I am kind, I am to kind that’s my problem, if I say or do anything bad I’ll have guilt for days… I need to stop though. X

Is it just nice though or is it a touch of codependency. Whether he treats you right or not, is a HIM issue.

You don't need him to like you for you to be valid.
You matter, your feelings matter, your boundaries matter and you deserve to have people who love and care and respect you in your life. And you deserve to love and care for yourself too.

His behaviour is not your failure. Getting him to somehow treat you right is not some mission you need to undertake in order to be...worthwhile. You already are awesome and he, well, he's a loser. If he behaves like a loser that doesn't make you the bad guy or the one who failed.

The only way you fail is by letting shitty people define your worth.

You cannot fix other people. And that's ok. Just focus on protecting yourself. And being kind to yourself. Extend your kindness to yourself. She is the one who deserves it.

Exactly, I don’t need him to like me, that’s a him problem.
I just wanted what’s best for our daughter and that was for him to be there for her. But now talking to you guys have made me realise I’m way better then him, and I’m not going to chase him to make an effort to see her, again that’s a him problem.

I have the most beautiful days with our daughter, she’s the most happiest little girl, and never cries, she’s just constantly happy and I love it.

it’s him missing out not me! X

What use is a flakey father at the end of the day. A father is a little girls first image of what a man should be to others...does she need some fake, using, manipulative flake to be an example basis for her future with men? Nah. She needs a mum who says 'When people show you who they are, believe them and act accordingly'.

If he steps up, great. Chances are he will once she is older and 'easier'. But it's up to him. And she will be fine if he doesn't!

You need very clear and firm boundaries. Don't talk to him or contact him unless it's about your child. Have set contact times none of this willy nilly nonsense. Keep a diary of ever missed contact, every time he doesnt turn up. That way he can say you've denied him access. It seems to me that he wants you there to do the parenting and to play happy families while he lives a single life with no responsibilities.

Yes this!! 👏

my thoughts exactly… when she’s older he will probably be there more!

and nope, she does not need someone like him that does all that. She has me, and that’s all she needs. Like you said if he steps up great. But I think we know he won’t. X

thank you for taking your time to respond to me and letting me talk to you. I really appreciate it. X

I love this idea! That’s a really good idea. Thank you. X