Hate being home alone

[ChihuahuaKeeper]

I'm just the other side of 50s, with one adult child at home. My partner of 6 years has kids of 18 and 21, who live with their mother. Partner divorced her 17 and bit years ago. He works away Monday to Friday. I'm having problems dealing with the short amount of time we have together. Every other Friday, he drives a long way, straight to his kid's house, returning here around 6 Sunday evening. The alternate weekends are driving straight here Friday, leaving very early Monday. He has been thinking about weekends, and said that I cause him stress when I call to ask when coming here, I am lonely. He added that he doesn't want the pressure of me wanting him here every Friday as he wants to see his kids as much as he can, before they move on in their lives. I'm currently not working, which doesn't help my emotions. I'm trying hard to get a job, and I'm financially independent. My car needs work, so I'm really stuck at home. I KNOW that I have to have my own life, which will happen with job and car. I just don't know what to do about seeing each other so little. I'm very sad but not sorry for myself.

Thanks for your advice.
I don't want him to not see his kids; i want him to come here on Fridays. He's not going to change his mind. He thinks when my 21 year old leaves home, then it'll be OUR home and his kids can come here. I don't want to pressure my son to go. As other posts on here say, it's tough for young people.
My car is 200, VW diesel, leather, convertible, less than 90k mileage, and it'll cost £220 just for a diagnosis. I've arranged to have a quick chat with the vehicle technician in the morning, so I'll have a better idea of the likelihood of it being extortionate. I love my car, so I'll probably get the (extortionate 😉 ) work done. I have two interviews coming up soon, so I will have a chance to live a little.

From your updates it seems like you need company and you want a DP who will be present with you. He doesn't seem like he will be that person. Even if he comes on a Friday or whatnot, his job takes him away.
Are you better off focusing on finding someone who is more compatible?

But how, when I truly love him?
We're hoping that in the future, he'll get a job closer to home. Everything is based on a different job for him, a job for me, my 21 leaving home one day, my car on the road. I'm almost 63. I have combined ADHD with acute symptoms, advanced osteoarthritis. . I want to focus on now, and finding someone else would take years, without changing the now. It'd be a financial miracle that would give us choices, which we don't have. 😉😊

Well either way you're focusing on the future, not now, because your hopes for the future are all you've got in terms of this changing and you have no power over that or financial miracles. If you truly love him then that will have to keep you company if he won't change his ways and you have no agency in the situation. I don't think you've said why you can't sometimes go and stay where he is during the week, as you're not working.

I used to go to Cornwall, or Norfolk, when there was a lovely big shared house. Atm, he's working in a market town, staying in a cheap hotel, so nothing to do, nowhere to go. I need a part-time job, car on the road. Then I'll have company, purpose, and a bit of money.

Okay great. So it's not that he doesn't want to spend the extra time with you, it's just current logistics which are as much about your own circumstances as his. Good luck with the job and car and feeling less lonely in the months to come.

He sounds like a great dad, his relationship and time with his kids is & should be most important so you’re unreasonable to expect him to give up his Friday night with them.

You need to decide if you’re happy with the way things are, or not. If not, this relationship is not for you and it’s time to move on.

He sees them straight from work Friday and doesn't come home until Sunday evening. (Every other week) I believe that a partner comes first when kids are adults. My ideal would be from Saturday morning to Sunday evening with his kids, as he's away Monday to Friday.

A partner of 6 years would absolutely never come before my kids, ever.

You need to find a job and hobbies so you aren't sitting around waiting for this man to fulfil you.

Honestly, he isn't going to change. Take control yourself.

Take charge op.
Make life. Volunteerlocally.get a job in a community cafe or the local shop. Join a book group or community choir. An art class. Go to library look at the notice board.
He cannot be responsible for your every need.
You got this. 63 is young!
You could still be here in 20 years. You dont want to spend the next years stuck.
So join u3a or anything. Market town will have plenty on offer

Get your life in place then review if this relationship works for you.

And take the car to the garage tomorrow what are you waiting for?

You think your partner should be putting you before his kids? He sees his kids 2 days a fortnight. Thank God he realises this is ridiculous and is focused on seeing them.
Your posts are all about money.
Sort yourself out and gain some independence, it doesn't sound as if this is the relationship for either of you.

He doesn't share your belief or, he doesn't really consider you a partner. You are low down on his list of priorities. He pays his ex maintenance. Meanwhile, you sit there with a broke ass car.

I'd like my partner to come home from work on Friday, instead of going straight to his kids.

He's not willing to do that.

His kids are his priority, not you. But he's willing for you to put your 21 year old out so then he might come and live with you.

You're coming off extremely needy and this guy is, if anything, avoidant. He's not going to be spending all his free time with you. His priorities are elsewhere and he's basically telling you to not bother him. The bit about he'll move in when your kid moves out, he expects you to put him over your kid but he don't do that for you.

You're looking to fill the loneliness that you feel when you're alone with this guy and he's not going to be that kind of partner for you. You get the crumbs after the meal's done.

My kids will always come before a man, even as adults.

Well, I would say loving him was largely irrelevant if the life you currently have together isn’t working for you to the point where you start internet posts and your loneliness and unhappiness. You either deal with the status quo or you end the relationship and find someone whose life interacts better with yours. Yes, it might take years, but you wouldn’t be sitting hoping things change in your current partner’s life.

I’ve walked away from a person I loved after years because the geography wasn’t working for me.

In your shoes I’d sell the impractical convertible and buy something reliable, and I’d end the relationship. But you do you.

But he doesn’t feel the same way. You can wish all you like for things to be different, but you can’t control how he chooses to spend his time and energy.

As others have said, you can direct your efforts into developing your own life, or you can keep yourself stuck and lonely and resentful ruminating on all the things you wish he’d do differently, and all your unmet needs, and begging him to change his plans.

Where does he stay when he visits them eow?
At 18 and 21 I would expect them to already have their own lives and be independent tbh. I have a 19 year old dd and even when it’s meant to be “my weekend@ she was working then had plans with friends or only saw me for the afternoon. This does sound lonely.

@ChihuahuaKeeper what id also add is it most likely will be difficult to meet someone new given your ADHD, your work situation, your lack of interaction with others, health stuff and age and your relationship requirements. Im not trying to be cruel but it's bloody hard these days to meet anyone decent let alone with all this. Of course some things could change once you are working again but it will still be hard.

Honestly, in your position id stay together but focus on getting myself mentally together and more self sufficient.

My ex wanted more like you do, yet we ended things but I would be surprised if he met anyone better. Its not arrogance, its just i think there should have been some compromise as you cant have everything in life. Now we are both alone and sad. In my situation, hes also got similar health stuff to you, plus is ND and I think people on the spectrum do need a level of consistency, and really struggle without that.

Or your loving partner is spending EOW with his wife and family. Are you sure he isn’t sleeping with her?

This is what I was thinking 🤔

You are not wrong to want more time with your partner but he is also not wrong for maximising his time with his children. You and your partner are in two different phases of life.

Does his family know about you OP, seems like you're his bit on the side to be honest.

It's great to put kids first, but even then, when seperated, they'd know that dad has a seperate life now and he could introduce you to them.

Instead of being understanding and making a plan, he says you stress him out.
You seem to be giving 70% to his 30% if not less.

You've settled for the minimum time you spend together, so he's not going to change.

He should want to spend more time with you and make a plan, instead of it being one sided.

What's going to change in 6 months that couldn't in 6 years?

@ChihuahuaKeeper it sounds like your worlds are polar opposites, his life is very full to the point that he doesn’t have time for a relationship (or at least a relationship that works for you). And your life is very empty, empty nest, small town, no transport, no job, no prospect of meeting someone who can offer you more whilst this man acts as a roadblock to that.