You’re right, it’s not an apology. For what it’s worth, my DH is generally lovely but also didn’t understand how the ‘but’ negated the apology until I absolutely laid it out to him, then pulled him up on it whenever he tried it. I didn’t do it aggressively, just asked if he was genuinely sorry he had upset me, and if he said yes, told him that was all he needed to say and that it didn’t need him to qualify it. If he really wanted to expand on it, he could specify why he was apologising in a “I’m sorry I hurt you when I said x”. Or he could say, “I’m sorry. I’m so stressed at the moment but I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” Both of which are more acceptable to me than the “I’m sorry but…”
I have seen my PILs argue over the course of our relationship and it is very apparent that he did not have good role models in this area - they have many good qualities but this is not one of them. They argued so much when DH and his siblings were kids that they were desperate for them to divorce. So he never had anyone who took accountability and gave an unconditional apology. I’ve worked very hard to both teach him how to do better and to model the behaviour so our son sees it and knows that it’s a strength, not a weakness.
If he is genuinely down, point him at something like Andy’s Man Club or your local Men’s Shed, assuming he doesn’t want to go to a doctor.
I’ve been through the wringer with DH somewhat this last couple of years. There has been stuff that has happened in his family that has been very painful and he has been depressed and has not handled it well. He has been horrible to live with. As was our son, for the same reasons. And of course I was grieving too because I had known the people we lost for half my life, and it came on top of some significant issues in my family. But I kept trying to keep things together and give them both grace and understanding while they grieved.
I got the balance right with our son but less so with DH. We eventually had a quite heated conversation a few months back after he had been pretty obnoxious about something. I laid things out in fairly stark terms of what I had been shouldering during this period and how unfair it was for him to take things out on me, and that was a genuine wake-up call. He apologised and has stopped being the house thundercloud. He says I should have spoken up sooner: I don’t think he would have listened any earlier.
DH now acknowledges that the only one who can do something about his mental health is him. I can support him as best I can, ensure he feels loved, and listen to him, but he has to take responsibility for getting well, whether that’s finding a creative outlet, seeing the GP, or joining a support group. And he knows that responsibility extends to how he treats those around him. He’s now getting on better with our son and is also just much nicer to know now he’s more conscious of how far things had gone.
So I hear you. And I guess I’m saying that it can get better, and there can be good reasons why someone doesn’t have the emotional skills to disagree kindly and make amends. And that it doesn’t have to be a LTB matter if they are willing to acknowledge what they’re doing and work on it and show genuine progress. So it’s up to your DH, in many ways, and whether there are any mitigating circumstances like there were for mine that mean you’re prepared to extend him more patience.
Sorry. I’ve waffled on a bit, but I hope this helps in some way 💐