Will life be better if we separate?

[WH40smama]

I’m so torn about what to do. I have two DD, 7 and 3, work part time but have a good income and am financially secure and independent. I am unhappy in our relationship - I just get no support, affection or appreciation from him. I think he is probably also unhappy but he would never choose to separate as he’d miss me doing literally everything at home and for the children. So much resentment has built up. He runs his own business which he prioritises over everything else, and is always the excuse when I challenge him over anything. His working hours are getting longer and I’m just expected to fit in around this. I browse Rightmove and dream about living in my own home without his mess, and having some time to myself while he has the children. But…. I can’t bring myself to separate them from seeing their dad everyday. He is very patient with them but not so good with the practical stuff like cooking. What would he feed them? Would he let them watch tv all day while he’s on his phone all the time? I always wanted children and so nearly wasn’t a mum, how can I make a decision that means I won’t always live with them? What if they choose to live with him full time in the future? I am constantly changing my mind about what to do. Some days I think that staying is best and I can put up with it, but then I imagine living like this for the next 20 years and my would I put myself through that? Sorry for the ramble, there is so much more I could say. I almost wish he’d have an affair because then I wouldn’t be the one to break up our family.

I left, the relationship wasn’t right. Not bad but not how it should be.
I moved out and now live a 5 minute walk away and we share childcare. I think she’s happy now and I’m happy now. The kids have two lovely houses close together and me and ex, while not friends, get along fine organising and taking care of our children.

He’ll need to step up with the childcare but it can work. The rest of your life is a long time.

Perhaps speak to him and see if he will agree to counselling, such as Relate. If that doesn’t work then leave.

Thank you both. Yes I think an honest conversation between us might help clarify things.

Well, you can sit around being more and more unhappy for years and grow old and have had an unhappy life resenting your shitty spouse every time you look at him.

You split and coparent and at least have a chance at a happy life. If he doesn't feed the kids, you call child services, that's neglect. If he takes ok care of them, you let him. They'll see the difference. If he's a workaholic, he's likely to end up not doing 50/50 and you adjust.

And if you separate, they get a chance at seeing a happy parent, not one who is miserable and resentful. Kids pick up on that and it's miserable for them too.

As I always say on these kinds of threads: think very long and hard before divorcing a good man who works hard. He will be immediately snapped up and you’ll be drudging thought the dregs of men online to find anyone half decent. He’s right to some extent: running your own business does mean long hours but surely you knew that when you got together?

Parenting young children is hard. But you have to think long term:

what can you to realign your relationship so you’re pulling together rather than apart?

can you outsource any of the jobs at home so you’re not feeling as resentful?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Objectively, it's easy to just scream "LTB".

More kindly, I'd suggest start with some solo counselling. It will help you think things through.

Do you think he's happy, or do you think he's hoping you break up the marriage so he doesn't have to be the bad guy?

(PS - the kids will be fine. Consider the impact on them of staying and growing up with an absent dad, and an unloved and resentment-filled mum.)

thank you, definitely food for thought. Part of me does wonder if this is partly the hard work of small children causing me to feel like this and to fantasise about some time to myself, which I so rarely get. But I know I’d miss the children and I’d also miss adult
company. Having said that, I worry that we’re setting a bad example of relationships for our children and I will regret not separating.

She said she gets no support, affection or appreciation from him & that he prioritises his work over everything else - not sure how that makes him a good man and it certainly isn’t how a healthy partnership should feel.

Have you spoken to a counselor at all? I think offloading to them sometimes can really help you see things a bit clearer and know which direction to take. You sound like you are pretty much a single parent anyway - what does he bring to your relationship ? Do you have fun together as a couple ?

OP do you both have the same amount of free time? It sounds from your post like you do everything and he has excuses to protect his free time? Is he selfish? It depends how old you are, how bad it is generally. You could wait a few more years, for the children to get older, to get yourself in a better financial place etc. Also he may not want 50-50 if he’s leaving it all to you at the moment. It’s also less likely the children will leave you to go live with him when you do most of the childcare now anyway. Try not to worry, just plan optimally for the future. Give couples counselling a go too if there’s still a chance.

This really hits the nail on the head! I don’t feel like I get much from the relationship, other than his company and support with parenting when we are both home together or out together. I organise pretty much everything that we do, all the admin for the children, food, cleaning etc. He does the bins! And no we never do things as a couple. He would never suggest a date night or anything like that. It’s worth saying that I’m pretty sure he is on the autism spectrum but no diagnosis. So I do try and take that into account, but it’s still hard. He is not one to talk about his emotions, how he feels etc. he thinks that I nag/have a go at him all the time. I probably do, but I am so fed up of feeling like he makes my life harder not better.

It’s always in the best interests of everyone to keep the family together. If your husband will agree to counselling I would strongly recommend that before making any drastic decisions. Mumsnet is a bit of an echo chamber and the default response on posts like this is always ‘leave and you’ll be happier’ - this is not always the reality.

I should add that I do go out in the evenings occasionally and sometimes at weekends to do things on my own, but the mess that I come home to frustrates me, and the fact that I usually have to sort out dinner etc before I go. He doesn’t have lots of time consuming hobbies (other than work) and doesn’t drink, smoke, play computer games …

What does this look like to your DD? Are they learning how unimportant women are? How the man gets to do what he wants and the womans life revolves around him?

You are unhappy. Your relationship is setting a terrible example for your dd.

Since you don't actually hate him I would suggest telling him you are unhappy with the way your relationship is, ask him if it is how he wants his daughters to see their parents relationship, tell him what you want.

If you split its unlikely he'll want the DC much, so make sure you're considering future as a solo parent with hopefully some financial support.

I agree it's unlikely that he would want the children much if he's not keen already. That might change if you split of course, he could be a better father if you were apart.

If he owns his own business then getting maintenance out of him may be a problem so if you do intend to split then it would be a good idea to get evidence of his income/profits. Don't forget if you divorce that his company is also a martial asset. How much that actually means you get will depend on lots of things. If the company is essentially just him and his skills then he can just drop it and restart the company. If it has assets, premises, staff etc then that's harder for him to drop. Offsetting the value of the company/pensions against eg. Equity in the house might be an easier route that he may want to happen to protect his company.

The question of whether to devorce is harder. Worth visiting a councillor yourself to work through the question of if you think this is a temporary resentment or something you can't get over, whether he can change sufficiently or not.

Imagine if you had the talk, and he overnight transforms into the perfect partner.

Firstly, you know him well, is this even remotely possible? Is he capable of change?

Secondly if it happened, is the past resentment too much to get passed? Has your affection for him been permanently damaged by the situation/his actions. Is it even fixable?

Thirdly. Is it better to split now while the kids are young and flexible or later in the harder teenage years/during exams/hormonal. Can you imagine still being with him in 5 years time?

I should point out that he is my partner not husband so the money /divorce queries are not so much of an issue. I am fairly confident he would happily contribute his fair share towards the children’s expenses and I have a decent income to cover living costs.

I second getting yourself some counselling.
He may step up once he is on his own with the kids.
I left my h in similar circumastances (no support, no help, no joy) and have not regretted it for a second. He is a doting dad to our dd and spends most weekends with her.

If you haven’t brought any of this to his attention yet then this needs to be your first step. You say he is possibly on the spectrum… he is maybe completely oblivious to how you are feeling and maybe thinks you rub along together quite nicely. Holding on to resentment over how little he does will only manifest into something much larger over time.
Get some alone time and really open up to him about how alone / unappreciated/ unsupported you feel. See what he says. Maybe still arrange to see a counselor… I did when I was in a similar position and it helped.

Really think about your marriage and how it makes you feel. Would you still be together if you didn’t have children? Do you make each other laugh? Imagine when the kids have left home and it’s just you two… how does that make you feel?

Like someone else said, keeping the family together is obviously the most ideal scenario but you can’t sacrifice your happiness just to keep the family together. There is nothing worse than being lonely whilst in a relationship.

This 100% I wouldn’t leave until you have exhausted all options .. definitely counselling. If it’s irrevocably broken down then yes do but life with young kids is always difficult. How would you feel if he met someone else , which he will, they always do and if the dating threads are anything to go by it’s grim out there. Not that you should stay for that reason but I wouldn’t leave if it was in the back of your mind there might be someone better .. odds are there isn’t. I’m the other side of child rearing and we are much closer now than we were and I definitely appreciate him so much more but when they were younger I felt exactly how you do now

I stayed because of this for years. It's been 3 years of our court order and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I had all the same fears.

I'm unrecognisable.

100000% leave.

i am so grateful to everyone who has replied - it’s given me a lot to think about and the fact that there is a real split in answers between stay/leave shows how hard this decision is and makes me feel a bit better about the whole situation.
I think it is the lack of acknowledgement of the support that I give that gets to me the most - I have massively supported him in building his dream business by doing everything at home. I wanted to work part time and I have no regrets about doing that and having time with the children, but some acknowledgement of how that has helped him would be nice.
Someone earlier asked if he is selfish - yes definitely. He thinks about himself and his business above everything else and will never ask what help/support I need or think to put me or the children first.
I am taking on board all of the advice and in time will find space talk more to him about it and look into counselling …. Although I can already guess the response that I will be told I am having a go at him and where is he supposed to find time to do more / go for
counselling when he is so busy at work. But I have to give it a chance.

Who owns the house? If you dump him would you be able to buy him out?
Will your kids grow up to think women are for serving men?

You've written that the man doesn't make your life easier, which is the whole point of being in a relationship with one. He's not a partner in any sense of the word, just a boyfriend.

We both own properties and we live in one while the other is rented out, so having somewhere to live is not a problem.