How long to get over a break up?

[Carzycat]

35 yr relationship, 30 yr marriage. Ended last June, he moved out January.

His narrative - we grew apart, don’t want the same things anymore.

The truth is that my world imploded 10 yrs ago when he had a breakdown, confessed to multiple historical affairs and, when I found internet evidence of being on gay hook up sites, declared he was confused, then bisexual (but said he hadn’t ever slept with a man and had no desire to - go figure).

I stupidly clung on, we had couples therapy, individual therapy, even renewed our vows on our 25th anniversary, but last year finally realised I was done when he said the only way he could be happy was if I could trust him to do his own thing, go on holiday alone etc. He’s since said he was never meant to be married.

House is in the process of being sold, and by all accounts I should be feeling positive about this exciting new chapter, which part of me is. I absolutely know I’m better off without the person he turned out to be. The other part of me is constantly wondering who he’s with, is he in a new relationship and feeling bitter that I’m going into my late 50s alone.

I know everyone is different but I’m sure I read somewhere x amount of time per year of relationship. From experience, how long does it take?

I don't think 'how long' is really the appropriate focus here. (I'd argue from the 20 year mark when he had the breakdown but that's not really relevant because of the duplicity).

I think you need therapy to unpack all the last 10 years, sort it all out in your head - the whole spaghetti junction - and then you can think about 'how long'.

If he'd simply run off with another woman after say 10 years, I'd think say 2 years to sort the admin stuff, have a break and live alone and get to know yourself again and what you want, and then start dating. But this is not a simple and uncomplicated situation - he's in the closet and he's dragged you in with him. So you are dealing with your issues plus his closeted issues too, only you can't separate them or even identify them. It's sort of Stockholm syndrome in a dark closet.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Carzycat

I agree that this isn’t a regular break-up. You’ve been lied to for a long, long time and could do with a good Therapist to help you unpack what’s gone on.

You will recover though and being in your late fifties and Single sounds much more preferable to being with that liar.

I don't think there's a 'normal' amount of time - it really is different for everyone. You've really been through the mill and been treated so badly, I would say give yourself as much time as you need and allow yourself to feel what you feel. But at the same time, fill your time with new experiences, new hobbies, get out and about and see friends, travel and exercise and do things for yourself. Your life is yours to make it the best you can be. Don't waste your time and energy thinking about him - when your thoughts drift to him, tell yourself NO firmly and find a distraction. You will get through this lovely, take care of yourself 💐

My friend worshipped the ground her husband walked on, and after 38 years he left her and tried to emotionally and financially break her.

She managed to survive, although came very close to not being here.

4 years later he tried to come crawling back, because he realised what he had lost.

She didn’t want to know and is so relieved not to be married to the nasty lazy pig.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I’ve had ALOT of counselling, aswell as EMDR for complex trauma. I am trying to fill my life with new activities, though I work full time and am constantly exhausted.
I just wish I could flick a switch and not care anymore. Maybe getting out of the house will help too (when I move).
it sounds like I just need to be patient and stop feeling so frustrated with myself.

He's treated you awfully x
You'll get there, give yourself time to heal.
All the best OP x

I have 3 friends divorcing all in their fifties. All are a couple of years down the line and doing better though none are officially divorced. I had no idea it could take so long. One is like you and had betrayal, she has suffered the most as was in total shock when it all came out. She is calming now but after initial upset came anger. Divorce is like a sort of bereavement really, takes time. Good luck.

It’s not linear. The grief and anger & all the other emotions will take you down and up, hour by hour day by day.
Some folks make a quick recovery but for others, on the surface they may seem ok but inside they’re broken and putting a brave face on it.

Depending on your personality type, childhood wounds and previous relationship history it might take weeks or months. For others it can take years. Go with the flow. It’s a kind of grief that cant be hastened. Frustration is natural but sadly theres no switch to turn it off. 💐

Definitely don’t feel frustrated with yourself. You’ve been lied to for a long time and that is bound to make you question yourself but you are not the one in wrong here.

Have you filed for Divorce yet? The longer you’re married and he’s getting into debt the worse it’s going to be for you in the long run.

How to Divorce.

Divorce is going through - Nov is when we can do consent order for finances. We’ve agreed 50/50 split on house sale and had a pensions report done and he agreed transfer some to equalise our retirement income. House will be sold before then I think.

Thank you, I feel better for knowing it’s normal.