Friend doesn't respect boundaries

[Daisymon]

I have a friend who doesn’t respect boundaries. She expects me to drop everything to chat on the phone within the hour. This week she wanted to practice interviews so I said I’m not available.

Then I mentioned last week a receipt app where you can scan receipts and after so many it concerts into a voucher. She messaged today saying she was accepted on the scheme. She asked if we can chat about how to use it. I said I am stuck for time and sent some screenshots. She was patronising and said she needs to talk about it.

I don’t know what the issue is. I sent screenshots when I didn’t have to and told her how to use it. I don’t know why she isn’t asking the company as they have a help desk who would tell her.

No one showed me how to use the app. I just learned myself. She already uses other receipt scanning apps.

She is always falling out with people as she doesn’t respect boundaries. I’m getting fed up of it as I have a manic weekend and week ahead and don’t see why I should give up my time to train her.

Could you just not reply to her for a while, leave her on read? Then she may get used to you not being as available?

Tell her she's too demanding and stop contacting her.

You'll just have to tell her she's too demanding and explain why 🤷‍♂️

Doesn't sound as though she'll work it out if you don't.

Tell her to watch a you tube video about the app.

Mute her.
Leave her on unread.
Stop answering the phone.
Go cold turkey with her.
People like her bring nothing to your life beyond unreasonable demands.
Back away.

It sounds like you think she should be happy with your boundaries and not try to bust them - but that would mean her turning into someone else. You cannot expect to change a person by having boundaries (although you might eventually do so, in certain cases). After all, we don't expect burglars to to be happy we lock our doors or have burglar alarms.

The only person who has to respect your boundaries is you - and you are doing that really well already. But don't take on board her 'follow-up' attempts to make you responsible for solving her difficulties (like with the app). Ignore her attempts to fish you back in: you've told her the score and ignoring her is a loud way to make her hear what you've said.

My partner was like this for a while. He attracted lots of needy people expecting phone calls and solutions to all their problems. In the end he burnt out and leaves them unread for months now. He only responds to close friends and even then he might leave it a day depending on his mood. I need to do what he does.

The only thing that works when enforcing boundaries are consequences.
You say "cant help/seeyou/talk etc" and she just hassles you further.
The consequence is that you do not respond further.
It is a great way to deal with CF's who don't accept "no, that doesn't suit me".
You simply don't respond further to them.
Extremely effective.

“I have a friend”
“don’t see why I should give up my time to train her”

glad you’re not my friend.

Read between the lines OP
she’s lonely.

She needs to make other friends as well then. I am an independent person and don’t pester others. She goes to social groups and has lots of other friends. It’s always me she comes to moan about problems too. I never hear off her when life is good.

I agree, it sounds like she’s lonely. I have a friend very much like this who is always asking for my input and help with things that she could easily Google or work out for herself. I think she sees help and input as a form of caring she’s receiving from me. I suppose this says as much about me as it does about her, but it really winds me up.

I think she just wants my attention but it feels like she is stealing my time and treating me like a big sister or carer. The only way to deal with it is to leave long gaps before you respond so that she stops using you for help. I only answer messages about planning to go out. I hope she’ll start seeing me as someone to socialise with rather than prop her up. I guess loneliness is awful but pissing people off is the worst way to deal with it. It pushes people away rather than brings them closer.

It sounds like you’ve been more than reasonable already. Some people genuinely don’t “hear” boundaries unless they’re stated very plainly. You’ve tried to be kind by sending screenshots, but she’s still pushing for more of your time.
It’s absolutely OK to say, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for calls you’ll need to contact their help desk or work it out yourself.” You don’t owe her free tech support, especially when you’re busy. If she gets huffy, that’s on her, not you.
If this is a pattern and she falls out with others too, it’s not something you can fix. Protect your own time and energy, and be consistent no explanations needed beyond “I’m not available.” People who respect you will adapt.

I quickly responded to a message and she goes can you talk. I’m ignoring it now. No respect at all.

You’re absolutely right to ignore it sometimes the best way to set a boundary is to stop giving instant access. If someone repeatedly ignores your “no” or your limits, it’s a sign of disrespect, not a misunderstanding. Stick to your boundaries; it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. I hope she learn fast and get to keep the boundaries and you too respect her so it doesnt leads to fight

I had a friend like this. She’d been increasingly demanding for a while, but one day she messaged to ask if I was free to talk and I said no, I wasn’t feeling well and I only had two hours to finish some work before collecting my children from school - but I could message if she needed to talk. She begged, promised it wouldn’t take more than five minutes, and said it was really urgent.
It wasn’t urgent, and she kept talking for the whole two hours. Every time I said I needed to go she had “one more thing” - the only way I could have got away faster would have been to hang up when she was mid-sentence. I ended up pissed off, had to work in the evening once the kids were in bed, and decided that our conversations would be over messages from that point on.

I’d suggest saying “not free to talk now, send a message and I’ll reply when I can,” then ignore attempts to call and don’t reply to messages until you’re ready. If she won’t respect boundaries all you can do is enforce a limit on how much of your time is available to her.

That sounds exactly like the point where you realised her “urgency” was really about her needs, not yours. It’s exhausting when someone keeps pushing past your boundaries no matter how politely you say no. I think you handled it really well by moving everything to messages it takes the pressure off you and forces her to respect the time you actually have. Do you find she’s backed off since you did that, or is she still trying to push through your limits?

You claim to be friends, but what do you actually do that qualifies you as a “friend” to this person? Sometimes my friends want to talk, and though I’m not always available, I’m often available! That’s part of a friendship. Your examples sound petty;
you sound like you have no desire to say something simple like, “I can’t talk tonight, but I’m free at such-and-such time later this week. Want to meet up then for a chat?” Ya know, like FRIENDS do.

It sounds like your friend is not a texter, she just wants to talk as this is the way she understands things .

You are only texting as you want to be in charge of how much time you give her.

But enough about your friend, tell us more about the app! Never heard of this!

She’s so infuriating. Only just read her messages from Friday. On Friday she asked how many receipts can you upload each week and I responded a few hours later and said maximum of 22. She replies straight away and said that was not what she asked and can she call. Then a day later she says she Googled it and it says you don’t have to upload receipts each week.

I think it’s a power play she is trying. I gave her some guidance which she threw back in my face then Googled it in the end anyway. She does this where she asks for your opinion then tells you, you are wrong. I don’t see the point responding because she will just use it as an excuse to eat up my time and be disrespectful again.

Oh yes I know this "type".

It's is a power/control thing unfortunately..they get obsessed with using minor things to get attention/embed themselves in other people's lives.

If you are the slightest bit conscientious they will try to guilt trip or manipulate you into being their emotional support animal. She'll end up passing her anxiety on to you.

Just block her or don't reply. Lots of other people will have done the same thing. There's no point being reasonable, she wants you at her beck and call.

You'll probably get a flurry of attention seeking messages saying she's having another meltdown because its....IDK...autumn or something.

And then in two weeks some more cryptic messages about random shit.

Maybe she'll tell joint friends she's worried about YOU and try to get at you that way.

Keep on ignoring. It's the only way.

Some people drastically overestimate their own importance within people's lives. This often happens when they don't have many friends, as they may cling to the ones they have.

I promise you now, if I don't want to talk all the time, text every day, talk on the phone every day - I still class you as a good friend! I just have lots of other things in my life!

Totally agree with this

You don’t, you know. Just say no upfront if it’s not something you have time or inclination for, and recognise that people-pleasing is fundamentally selfish in that it’s a desire to avoid the unpleasant feeling that comes with refusing a request.

Op, I have a friend who always does video calls; why it is beyond me. I thought at first she wasn’t paying attention but now I think it is her preference. Yes, sometimes she needs to see or show me something but it is hardly ever the case. But most times she will put the phone down and all I can see is the ceiling as she is busy doing something else. She 90% of the time puts me on loud speaker when we talk, so I hardly understand anything she says but I stopped pointing it out.

I stopped answering, I just call back later on a normal call. And she is hardly ever available as she is on another call.

Again, when we speak she asks when I am available to meet. But if I am not when she initially had in mind, she will miraculously forget to make contact.

I gave her a couple of f’s a while ago in my head, but decided it wasn’t worth it. I now reply/ answer her calls as I please. She hasn’t changed, but I don’t care either anymore.

If I were you, given how much she gets to you, I’d just say bluntly to your friend you haven’t got the time to deal with her drama.