Possible TW

[DK1969]

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, I have a gay son who is 28, he has been openly gay since he was about 12. I have always accepted him but his dad hasn't and they don't have a relationship because of it.(We divorced years ago)

My son has had many relationships and sexual partners mainly through an app called grinder, he has bipolar but doesn't take his medication properly so whether that has
contributed to hightened sexual behaviours.

He has told me today that he has contracted HIV, and I just feel heartbroken about it and like I have failed him by not discussing safe sex etc. I know HIV isn't the death sentence is once was but it's still not what any parent wants for their children.

There is alot of stigma out there in relation to HIV but we all make bad decisions in life and sadly his has come with lifelong consequences.

This is not your fault. Your son is a 28 year old adult and will have known exactly how to use safe sexual practices. You clearly love him and will do everything you can to support him through this but do not feel guilt.

As above, just want to reassure you that you didn’t fail him. He is an adult, and both he and his partners will have been aware of the risks.

Wishing you both well, sending handhold 💐

Ok breathe. I have several hiv+ friends it really isn't the stigma it used to be my friends take anti virals and it prevents them from suffering from any of the symptoms of hiv and also prevents it being passed to someone else. He was silly not taking PrEp but that's what it is now.

He will be fine and so will you be. My friends open discuss having it so it really isn't the stigma it was back in the day as it's so easily controlled now thankfully

You'd have more to worry about if he told you he had Diabetes.

Did you talk to him about safe sex when he was younger, especially as he's gay and you've know since he was 12.

Yes it's nowhere near the stigma it was. An advert that most of us who grew up in the 80s remember is the foreboding Aids one. Reading about it just now, had no idea that was John Hurt's narration. The HIV/AIDS was basically a death sentence for gay men then and the gov feared it could become an epidemic.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AIDS:_Don%27t_Die_of_Ignorance

Thankfully in most cases he should have the same life expectancy as someone who doesn't have HIV, but he will need to be on top of his anti virals as that's not something he can be lax with. And you didn't fail him OP. Being in the gay community he will have been aware of the risks as it's a widely discussed issue, so he made an informed decision of his own accord. He is just fortunate to be around at a time when it's not a costly one as he can still live a very normal life.

There are some great responses here. Important to note HIV isn't just a gay thing - anyone can get it (older hetero female here who contracted it when dating post divorce) and it sometimes takes just the one time. Although it can be a massive shock - often more so for those of us who remembered the tombstone ads from the 1980s, it's actually quite manageable, we are well taken care of with (usually) check ups twice a year, and it can often make us look at having healthier lifestyle measures. The mental aspect can often be tougher to come to terms with than the physical.

Treatment might be one pill a day (as I take). You mention that your son sometimes doesn't take his bipolar medication properly and he will be supported in this, as well as looking at the most appropriate HIV meds to take. We now have injectables that are administered every 2 months.

There's a great online support forum for people who've been diagnosed with HIV that your son could join if he wishes https://tht.org.uk/get-help/living-well-hiv/my-community-forum

I volunteer in this area. Happy to answer any questions, either here or if you want to message me.

This is NOT on you.
Anyone is vulnerable, even just a one night stand can be unlucky.
Please be kind to yourself.
It certainly isn't what it was, thank goodness.