My DF seems to take it in turns with which of us children he favours that day..

[tellingthefool]

Does anyone else have a DF like this? I do feel he suffers with some kind of personality issues, and mental health issues, but whenever we see my dad, with my 2 other siblings, he seems to put his focus on 1 of us only, that day. Showers us with compliments, talks only directly to us and generally shuns the other 2.
Last time I saw him he was all over me, but this time it was my sister and I was ignored. It doesn’t bother me hugely although can leave me feeling a bit confused, but it made me wonder, does anyone else have parents a bit like this?

Anyone?

I definitely didn't experience this, and I don't know anyone who did.

Google toxic parenting snd narcissistic triangulation. You will find this behavior there.

How old are you op?

My mother.

We still have no idea why she did it but we think she had some ideas about sibling rivalry and so intentionally aimed to create it between my brother and me. Or she expected us to be rivals and so parented us as though we were in constant conflict, jealous of each other etc when it wasn't true. We have never been able to decide which it was. Or whether the intention was just to create a narrative where i was/we were both problem children and she was a 'victim' of us. But she would lie to each of us, criticise one whilst bigging the other up, make up things that the other had allegedly said about the other (none of which happened), celebrate the achievements of one whilst sneering at the achievements of the other etc. I always came off worse and was her main focus but she'd say things like my brother was better looking than me (he looked like her and I didn't) etc. She created arguments between us as children/teens out of nowhere and then complain to her friends about how difficult her life was.

Her focus on us became more equal when he reached adulthood and started to assert his independence (eg going to university when she had told him not to).

My mother didn't spend time with my brother and me together in our 20s/30s but we always knew which one of us was in favour or had displeased her in some way because it was the only time she'd invite the other round for dinner.

It was as predictable as receive a phone call from her issuing an invite and get off the phone to call the other saying, "I've been invited round for dinner. What have you done?" Neither of us was ever invited round otherwise.

She used to get her Will rewritten often to reflect which of us was in favour. No idea how often that actually happened but it was something she said a lot.

She then realised (I can't remember how, we're going back 20 years) that all that would happen was that, whichever one of us was in favour at the time of her death and received 100% would split with the other anyway. So she had the Will rewritten to make sure we could only inherit 50% each. That way, to be fair to the other, the one who inherited would have to sacrifice half of their 50% rather than 50% of the whole amount and she didn't think either of us would do that.

Anyway, neither of us has seen or spoken to her in over 13 years and we get on fine. And neither of us is in her Will anymore.

@GreyCarpet thank you for taking the time to let me know your story. All I think when I read that, is what a horrible situation for you as a child, as well as your brother, and also what a total nightmare your mum sounded. Totally struggling with her MH but in a pathetic narcissistic way.

I do believe my DF has patented us in a toxic way. I think his relationship with his own older brother (who he was perceived to be the favourite) has rubbed off on the way he parents us.
I am the middle child as well so I don’t know if that has had an effect.
What is also very frustrating and always bothered me as a child, is my mum is just a yes man, and goes along with whatever mood he’s in, she would never challenge him, even if she thought he was being unfair on us, so he was never held to account, and in a lot of ways she would join in also on the “favourite” child that day.

My dad, I believe, suffers with mental health problems and a mood disorder. He seems to struggle with himself and his intelligence level. As my siblings and I have grown older and more knowledgeable about world affairs, money, politics etc, I have noticed my dad has felt uncomfortable that he can’t inform us what’s what anymore, and he sometimes struggles if we challenge him. He also aeems to sometimes think he’s got dementia.

At other times he’s funny, lovely, kind, sensitive and charming. So I think my whole life I have walked on egg shells round him, hoping to have a good version that day.

Anyway it’s nice to know I’m not alone in experiencing this.

Speak to your siblings. Even if it doesn't change knowing that you all 'see' his behaviour for what it is (an attention seeking power trip) will mean it bothers you much less. That's hard to do when there's a clear 'golden child' who may not see the dynamic, but here since you're all on the receiving end at different times they will likely get it.