Sorry it’s a long one but in a nutshell, I’m struggling with the imbalance of money in my relationship because my attitude has been conditioned into something quite different to his.
Context - I was with my ex since I was 18 and married for 20yrs. We never really had money worries, were sensible but could splash on nice holidays and home improvements and meals out without issue. But ex was very caught up on value for money. He would sometimes refuse to eat if we were out and he felt a cafe was too expensive, or on an all inclusive wouldn’t leave the hotel because it was all paid for. He didn’t see this often ruined family time and experiences. I became defensive of spending and would hide things sometimes (treating myself to say a £4 block of nice cheese) to avoid the judgement. Throughout our divorce he tried to win me back regularly telling me it was all unnecessary cost, withholding savings then eventually letting me have them, not offering any maintenance for DD then doing his own calculations as the CMS is wrong in the way they do it. We agreed a 60/40 split his way in the settlement because I just wanted rid and knew he would drag it out over this which would cost me any difference in solicitors fees.
I have been with my new partner for 2.5 years. We’d live together if it wasn’t for it not being the right thing to do for our children (mine late teens, his young adult), so that’s probably another 2-3yrs off, but we make decisions about our future together that impact our finances and whilst we still have separate finances, DP is in a much better position to be generous with his money.
I work in further education so the pay is rubbish despite me being highly qualified, plus my separation and divorce cost me around £30k when you take into account renting/legal fees/counselling etc, so my disposable income is negligible.
My DP is a millionaire, and after his divorce so is his ex wife. He’s completely self made and came from very little and has earned every penny of it. His ex wife got a straight 50% plus he pays generous maintenance for his adult children who are both living at home so they are not wanting in any way.
But I really struggle with him spending money on me for things I feel like I should be paying for. My car service, some emergency bills, a course I want to do. His attitude is that if we were living together it would be part of our household expenditure and in my head I’m ok with that because I’d feel like I was contributing to the partnership. But living separately it feels like I haven’t earned the right to it. He is generous but not frivolous with money and realistically what he has paid for doesn’t make a dent in his bank balance. He doesn’t want me stress about money and wants us to enjoy what he has and for it to make our lives better because you never know what’s around the corner.
I understand all of this but I have so much guilt about accepting his help, but feel a hypocrite because I also want it because it does make mine and my children’s lives so much easier. It’s a regular source of tension for me every time he offers to pay for something. He understands my attitudes have been shaped by my previous relationship and is patient but I don’t know how to move past this imbalance, and I’m worried that I’ll still feel it even if we do live together in future.
Any ideas on how I can move past this? It seems like such a ‘first world’ problem to have and is probably coming across as a humble brag. I had a counsellor throughout my divorce and I’m wondering if I should go back to her to discuss it. I have a history of anxiety and self-harm when I feel like I’ve done something wrong or disappointed someone and it stirs up those types of feelings (although I haven’t acted on them, and share this with DP when it happens).