Is 'settling' always wrong? Long rant but please help!

[littlestmummystop]

Any advice on this would be very much appreciated.
I was as single parent for four years with a ds6. I split with her dad after five years, five years ago now. I was so heartbroken it took me ages to get over and even now I have dreams at night about us getting back together.
After a few rubbish short lived relationships I met someone who I really liked. Well I say really liked, I did for the first few dates but alarm bells started ringing realy early on.
We don't have much in common, and I find his personality quite difficult to deal with. he is very quiet, uncommunicative, has no friends and quite low self esteem.

I did try to end the relationship after a year together but he got so upset and I did miss him I thought I'd try again.

One thing has led to another and he ended up buying a huge place for me and ds to live in.
I thought things would get better once we moved in.

The reason why I am so confused is sometimes we do get on so well. He is a very kind, caring, sensitive person who has taught me so much and is a fantastic role model to my ds.
As a family of three we get along v well, although when I am alone with him I sometimes find myself feeling bored and frustrated.

I just fear I will never meet anyone as lovely as him. I hate myself and feel sorry for him for messing him around.

One day I want to go, another I think I'd be crazy to.

I spent four years dating and know there are very few 'nice' men out there.

I've tried talking to DP but he just always shrugs it off or says I have PMT or whatever. He never wants a serious discussion. Other times he tries harder and, tempoararily, again we are okay.
I do love him, but I feel my ex, child's father, is always in the background of my mind. During my relationship with him we always told each other we loved each other and he was v physical ( although ended up absuive which is one reason why it broke down). My DP barely touches me and finds it hard to be affectionate or tell me he loves me ( he insists he does) although he does show it by being considerate at all time s. I do also find him v attractive.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like a fraud in so many ways, but sometimes in moments of happiness, I can't believe I'd consider ending it. I am with a gorgeous, committed, caring man.
I am in my early 30s and would love more children ( as he would and he would make a wonderful father ). How do you 'know' if someone is right for you?
Thanks for reading.

oh dear- this is so much like the other thread "Would you marry someone if you didn't find them physically attractive."

Can I reiterate what you have said:

You live with a man who had the hots for you- but it wasn't reciprocated
BUT he persisted, bought a big house and now you all live there. Are you living as a couple- do you share a bed and have sex, or is this an arrangement where e has put a roof over your heads?

You describe this as "One thing led to another".

I can't help feel there is a huge gap between you thinking he wasn't your type, to suddenly moving in lock stock and barrel with him!

I don't really know what your issue is- he loves, you love him, you say, you find him attractive as well- but the ghost of your ex is always there- is that it?

What is it that you are looking for that you haven't got now?

Are you trading home comforts for real love?

It sounds as if you haven't come to terms with losing your ex- and that this current man is living in a fantasy world, not willing to discuss what he must know- that your heart is elsewhere.

You sound really confused and i am trying to understand how you got this far with a man who just didn't seem to do it for you at first.

You need to have a really hard look at what he offers, what you want, and if you are really wallowing in the past when you need to live in the present.

I have re-read my post and it seems quite harsh BUT

what I was trying to say is, you need to think hard about why you moved in with him in the first place, given your reservations. Why did you do it?

Do you still find him boring? Not much in common?

Yet you seem to think he has lots of good points too- it's all a bit confusing!

What do you try to talk him about? What does he shrug off? What does he try harder at?

Don't make the mistake of settling because he'd be a good father- he wouldn't be a good father if you were not happy as a couple. Finding a partner is not abut finding a sperm donor who would be a good dad- it's about finding a man who really does it for you.

You seem to be trying to make a decision with your head rather than your heart.

Is it because you are comparing this relationship with the one you had with your ex?
Did you meet your ex when you were alot younger and was the relationship more passionate?

The only advice I would give is to have no regrets... It would be awful to get to your 60's or 70's and wish that you had done things differently.

I don't think 'settling' is always wrong, I do think that 'settling' is always a precarious relationship.

When you are with someone who you absolutely cannot live without despite their faults because you love them so so much, then you don't wonder whether they are the right person, you just know inside that they are.

What I am trying to say is that although a settling relationship often has many positive qualities (with many rational reasons to be in it) you are vulnerable to a life changing person coming along - with all of the heartache and chaos that will come along with that.

So, I guess personally I don't think that settling is a good option - however hard life alone might be. It's not a settled life. (pardon the pun!)It's a life of knowing deep down inside you have settled for someone who isn't the love of your life. It is a life of treading water until someone better comes along.

Your feelings at the moment might pass and you do seem to have loads of unresolved feelings for your ex........or could it be unresolved memories of a more passionate love? If that's the kind of love you want (but not the person in the case of your ex) then I don't think that settling for a different kind of love can ever really make you happy.

Only you can really know the depth of the love you have for your current partner, whether you love and accept him for who he is. How does the thought of not being together with him make you feel?

You are not a fraud, don't worry - thinking deeply about things is a great quality. Not rushing into further committment with your current partner until you've explored all of your feelings also makes complete sense.