I hate relationships nowadays. I love him a lot.
He says that he does too, but we are not in a relationship. Why? Because we live in different cities(for now, before that we were in the same city for 3 years and he'll come back here in 2) and he doesn't believe in distance relationships. Maybe fair, but he is literally nearly every month comes to my city for a week or more(his family lives here) and i travel to him just as much(simply to see him), so it's not really a distance imo. He says "move to name of the city and we'll start dating", I honestly would, but he didn't make me feel like I could rely on him in case smth goes wrong, because we simply aren't dating(even tho we do everything that partners do, just without naming it). So I don't see an issue in actually dating even with distance. His stance is unfair - he can move back too, I have already done so much, I am exhausted. Am I naive and he doesn't want me? Is it a case of if he wanted to - he would?
I trust him. But not with my feelings.
He thought we were casual and he slept with another girl day before my birthday. Then we talked and I told him how heartbroken i am about it. He apologized, then we made a deal where he still gets to sleep with other people(i really hate it and it hurts me a lot, but that is what he wants, since there's distance) and he will not tell me about it, so i won't be hurting. I still do. I don't know if he still sleeps with others, but I constantly think about it, because of that agreement. This relationship is like a selfharm, but I love him and clearly don't love myself enough to walk away
I feel like all this "move and we'll date" is a good excuse to be able to sleep around since he knows that he tecnically, without relationship, doesn't owe me anything. He never said that, it is just how it feels because I am literally spiralling.
It could work, i think, but only when he matures and makes it clear whether he wants to be with me or not.
I am ready to start building life together, but it seems like he's not
I am so lost and hurting