When you partner tells you..

[Tryingtofind03]

You dont do anything for them, what do you do for them?? Just need a rant at my wits end.. is this something couples say to each other?

I think if it gets to the stage when you are record keeping of what one does for the other, who does more/less, there are problems.

Well is it true?

I’ve never said it to my husband, he has never said it to me, but then it’s never been the case in our marriage. If I did feel that way, that he wasn’t pulling his weight etc then yes I would pull him up on it and I’d expect him to pull me on it too.

I think in any marriage, little resentments can build up and result in one or both partner feeling unsupported. If my DH said that to me, I'd be upset but before getting angry and starting to list all the things that you do for him (which I'm sure is plenty!) maybe take a bit of breathing space to reflect on if and why he is feeling this way? Is he feeling the pressure of work, financial worries, family stress? If you can both pull back and have an honest conversation, it could lead to a better understanding of each other.

I honestly don't even know what he means.. I feel
like staying at home and taking care of the baby while and then my older child while he is working takes up a lot of my bandwidth... I feel like I do as much as I can.. it comes up a lot from him - that I don't think about him enough or do enough for him but I don't get clear examples
of what he means.. idk.. I just wondered if others had had their partner repeatedly say this to them...

If he's the only one earning, it's possible that he's feeling a lot of pressure to provide for his family and perhaps feeling unappreciated? I know when our children were very small, my DH found it hard to be working away and not able to spend as much time with the children as he would like - he would call home and feel a bit lonely and left out when I was in the middle of sorting dinner/baths/bedtime and didn't have a lot of patience or time to chat! You're probably both tired and finding it hard to have time together and connect. A small thing like greeting him with a hug and asking how his day's been can make a difference. DH brings me up a cup of tea in the morning, it's not a big thing but it does make me feel loved and appreciated ☺️

Thankyou @Endofyearthat is helpful to read xx

I had something similar with an ex. I had a miscarriage and didn't realise I had anemea for a very long time. I spent a lot of time in bed feeling I had no will or energy to do anything. When we broke up (he was flirting with another woman on social media) he said "I guess I should have spent more time in bed just watching shows and doing nothing". It really hurt because I knew I wasn't right but wasn't sure if it was depression from losing the baby. I realised he didn't actually understand what I had been through because for him it was just done and suddenly I was being boring.

I don't think men realise what our bodies go through and how much mental drain caring for another human all day feels, let alone feeling like you've got no social life and all the daily responsibilities for the housework.

He may be earning but he gets to leave the house, feel useful, talk to friends, have down time and read the news in peace, lunch without rushing etc etc. It's not a competition but it does show he hasn't really thought what your days are actually like, which I would feel uncomfortable with from someone who is supposed to love you.

My 5 year old says this to me when I obviously do everything for him - it’s immature and he has the attitude of a 5 year old. Ask yourself what he does for you and go from there!

Have you posted this before?

What does he do for you?

he pays for everything as I'm with the baby, he is very helpful around the house - he arranges to get things fixed and is excellent with my step son.. when it comes to doing small things for him, massages, buying gifts... - I think I used to do a lot more but don't feel like doing those things as much as I feel his behaviour with me personally has been hard to deal with so I'm more reluctant to do those things.. but maybe I just need to put more of an effort in again ..

'I feel his behaviour with me personally has been hard to deal with'

What do you mean by this?

It's quite hard to explain... a lot of criticism.. for example yesterday : Partner giving me a hard time about going back to work. Been at home with DS for nearly 2 years.

Said I'm being selfish / just thinking about myself
That it won't work me working - It's not cost effective - I'll have to pay for childcare - I can't afford to go back to work . That I'm selfish all I think about it myself

but I don't know - maybe it's just me and I'm over sensitive...I'm not very good with confrontation/ arguments..

This is ridiculous and misogynist - it is certainly not selfish to want to go back to work! You need your independence and to strengthen your career prospects. You don't want to end up in a position where you are financially dependent on him - that just distorts the power balance in any relationship. You only need to read the posts on relationships and divorce/separation to see what a colossal mistake that is for women.

I think there is much more to this situation than record keeping over what one does for a relationship.

You're very vulnerable at the minute, being dependent on the man while unmarried. Can you get back to employment and secure yourself financially?
The boyfriend will have to contribute to childcare costs and perform his share of chores and parenting.

Yes that's the plan.. just need to find a nursery he is happy with and sais he wants DS to go to a private school which means he wouldn't start for another year (next September) when the new school year starts..