Confused & concerned. Have I been used?

[confusednorth]

Hi. Male in earlv 40s. Would appreciate your honest opinions (and the female viewpoint) It's complicated & odd. I'll try to summarise but happy to expand

Met 'H' (F) on Bumble in April 2021. Chatted for sometime & really hit it off. Met for coffee & food twice (live 1 hr apart). Connection was there in person for us both. Kissed on 2nd meet. Date 3 never happened for various reasons but comms continued. Over the yrs it's slowly dropped but still close, relationship/dating-esk. We both admitted we care about each other & something was there-certainly not just friendship.

In Feb she admits seeing someone for over a year & still is (whilst contact with me like it was). Distanced myself. She'd still message like before & guess i went along with it. I still have the feelings.

April - 'H' msgs saying a F contacted her on IG saying she was BF's ex, warning her about him (EA, debts, drgs). "H' spoke to him about it. Says he reacted badly, to block them, accused her of encouraging them by replying, deactivated his FB.
"H" asked me to help. I contact F on IG, told & sent things which check out (i've done digging too). In mean-time, 'H' is open to me about their relationship, not intimate, wants to be single, hasn't seen him recently. Also she's more bubbly. I told her what i honestly thought. She was really thankful, needed to decide about 'him" if she wants to stay mates.
Few weeks pass over summer (i had a aniversary of DS passing so had some time away). Heard nothing from her. Msgd asking how things were. Get blunt reply days later saying nice to hear from me, if i ever want to chat. I question it as it wasn't like her & that as she avoided it that I took it she'd had a serious mind change over him. More friendly reply received with "no, no mind change really".

I've now found out she was away with him & family in July whilst messaging me & the "want to be single... HIM" comments. And that this week they've gone to D.Republic together.
Clearly I've been lied to when I was trying to help. Could it be true & she's been manipulated back. If any of what she said was true then would you really go away together?
I have serious concerns for her with him, she knows i do. I feel I can't trust her now & our friendship (or whatever it was) is done..& wasn't valued

When you say date 3 never happened do you mean you've only met in person twice? If so, that isn't a relationship or even a friendship. She was/is getting on with her life and you should do the same.

Why are you carrying on this fantasy with someone you met twice and haven’t seen in years?

So you met this woman twice during Covid times, it went nowhere and she’s kept you dangling in a string ever since using you as an unpaid therapist when she’s got hump with her partner

Why are you bothering?

It didn't happen initially as her nan passed away & it hit her hard. It was also latter parts of Covid, "H" worked in healthcare, & doing constant 12hr+ shifts so time for physical dating became non-existent (her words). The contact just continued as was & grew into whatever it did/has whilst getting on with our lives (mine changing significantly). I have dated too.
For clarification - 9/10 it was/is her instigating the contact, the type of, and content of conversations. I was probably the one distancing over time & asking her what exactly "this" is; moreso over the last year.

My confusion and concern isn't that though. It's that she came to me about the IG messages, asked for help, and opened up on her relationship issues in intimate detail and more. Why me? Was just odd. Would you do it?
Then what she said about his reaction to the IG messages, what came from speaking to the F on IG etc. I'm seriously concerned and told "H" as such.
Why approach me & then seemingly lie?
Why be messaging me before 6am about him & situation when it turns out she was away with him?

Because he was still asleep then and she could use her phone without suspicion.

To your question: yes, you were used; with your cooperation. Never get involved in someone’s drama like that, doing your own digging or writing messages. Even if they are a really good friend. Much less someone who is just stringing you along (which she definitely is!). Cut contact 100% and stop being her tool.

The contact is being cut.
I know i don't owe her an explaination as to why but for closure / cathartic vent then'll give one and cut from there.

If she wants a therapist to discuss her life and relationship issues with then I'm sure Google can assist in finding one.

Yes, it does seem you have been used. Are you sure all the details of her life are real? I can't imagine why if you both had feelings for each other and lived an hour apart, neither of you bothered to meet again.

I would forget her and begin to question why I was so invested in someone's relationship with someone else.

I wouldn't say i was invested in her relationship, more the contrary in that I was the one who would distance. She was the one firing 3am messages or reappearing after weeks. I think i know the reason why she may have latched on, continued to, and played on the good nature.
The feelings? I honestly not sure what they were.
The latter involvement was because of what she said (and she was the one who openly approached me and asked for help) about being contacted and warned over him, and following his (alleged) reactions when she confronted him. I was, I guess, trying to help.
Do I believe that all the details she said about her life are/were real? Honestly - No.
Do I believe all is well in paradise with her - No (hence her seeking the solace and the unpaid therapist in me when there's been clear bumps and fall outs, or offloading work trauma).
Do I think that she is in a mismash where she has her true life (however good or bad), but has been using me as an emotional crutch, portraying her life as different to bleed, eek, string into mine, and I dare say does she have some fantasy of a differing life based on her knowing of my circumstances - yes!

Contact has been cut.

Yes I'm afraid I think she has kept you dangling there on messages because she likes the feeling to gives her knowing you like her. And obviously she has found you supportive. Has she been supportive to you also?

I think it's the right thing to cut contact and mentally draw a line under it.

If it was meant to be it would have happened by now.

Supported me? On occasions but generally little more than lip service or passing concern. Ie. I'd get the "you can talk to me"..."i'm here if you ever want to talk too", but on occasions when I have then it has been the above, or the I'd get a response days later.
I've had my fair share of knocks and trauma in life (loss of a child, working in a specialist b.light role for over a decade dealing with the unimaginable worst of the worse everyday), so although I'm human then I'm also quite resilient and high tolerance. I'll also help anyone and can relate to alot of things from life experiences. I'm also very independent so my reliance or need of support from others is miniscule - ironic I know with me being here. I guess i just wanted confirmation of what i already knew.

The majority of support had been from my side. She was (is) from a b.l background so alot of what got dumped my way (prior to the BF saga) was related to her work, pressures, c**p days etc, and even the "how are you" random messages to me after I'd distance would result in the conversation turning back to her then going from there - and worming her way back in i guess for her own motives.

The line; mentally and physically, has definitely been drawn.

You met this person twice? All this emotional involvement on your side is completely mad. You’re asking the wrong question. Not ‘Was I used?’ but ‘Am I crazy for giving this much headspace to someone with whom I’ve spent less time than I have with my dental hygienist over the last several years?’

I sympathise as have had similar actually.
A very intense situationship, mostly online although we did meet a few times.

I cut it off due to the uncertainty and being kept dangling. He was very upset and cut off contact and then few months later just when I've forgotten about him I get a "how are you" message - but actually it's never really to find out how I am.

It's to check I'm still "there" and would respond and is either because he is feeling down or horny 🙄

He has carried on instigating messaging with me even though he's with someone new.
Which has helped me to finally move on and realise he's not someone I would ever want to be with and not someone I could trust.

I’m afraid you’ve been her back up. Someone she knew liked her and kept in the background, feeding just enough attention to to keep the spark alive but never actually feeding the spark or making any effort to meet/have an actual relationship.

You’ve now realised that she never really cared and kept you around just in case she was ever at a loose end and you owe it to yourself and the health of any future relationship you might have to just cut contact now and leave her to her partner.

Whether or not her new partner is suitable is none of your concern anymore, let her make her own mistakes and move on without this anchor round your neck wondering what could have been

Thanks. I have cut the contact. The more i look back the more i see the walking red flags

That is near bang on describing this - barring the horny bit 🤣. More along when she was at a loose end, bored at 3am when she was on nights, or to offload. The "how are you", the same. I'd reply. I may get a reply back that lead to her offloading, or I'd hear nothing for a few weeks before the circle started again. As you say - just a check in to see if we we'd reply & keep the comms channel open. I'd even get a "cute profile pic" message or similar within 30 mins of changing it.

When she told me she'd been seeing someone for over a year (well i asked outright a number of times due to her behaviours.... like the 3am messages, early morning, 11pm) I backed off and as with you, it was her/him instigating contact once again.
The most perplexing thing for me is why she just started offloading about the relationship, or even thought it was appropriate. One of lifes great mysteries.
I dont and wouldn't trust anything that she'd have to say even if contact hadn't been ceased, and like you, that kind of individual and basis wouldn't be one I'd ever want to be with or even have a friendship with.